• It's funny, perhaps ironic, how growing up adults always tell you to think before you speak
    think before you act
    wait ten seconds before you say something that just might be offensive
    to someone else

    don't get me wrong
    thinking is very helpful
    but when you develop certain illnesses growing up
    it goes from an enabler to well
    a disabler

    and it's not loud or anything, just a frantic calm.
    the voices in your head just think, think, thinking away.
    the thoughts end up consuming you
    and you end up not focusing on anything else.

    for example this happened the other day, not really because i don't make plans anymore. to much thought involved. a friend and i went out to eat at our local burger place.
    mcdonalds, because well. we're balling on a budget.

    we ordered and he asked if we should get fries for the table.

    i love fries and would definitely eat them
    i love fries but what if i eat them all
    would he get mad?
    would he care? he's my best friend..
    but i love fries.
    fries.
    definitely should get fries
    maybe two orders so i won't eat em all
    alright
    fries
    we should get fries
    totally should get fries.

    my mouth opens in an attempt to translate that mess
    and nothing
    i forget the whole mental conversation
    at that moment
    every word, every syllable
    every single time i thought the word fries
    eight times in total

    i don't even know my own name at this point
    i say no
    because i feel like i made it awkward

    awkward!
    you made it sooooo awkward
    good job dude, real awkward

    and i only feel like it was awkward because i know that i took longer
    than the ten seconds it took me to write that
    and for you to read that
    to actually respond

    it's not always as trivial as ordering fries or not
    sometimes it's when i want to ask a girl out
    and if i do
    i think and think and think and rethink
    and thinkthinkthinkthink and overthink
    and my anxiety acts up and i think
    about all the bad things that might happen
    so i avoid it
    i don't answer texts
    or calls
    i wont talk to her at all
    and eventually

    i'll drop a "hey" her way
    or just constant texts
    thinking she'll forget about me if i don't
    i'll message her to the point of no return
    and she'll be gone
    i'll think that this is what i should do
    because who needs or wants the needy little
    p***k

    but
    it's not

    i'll keep think, think, thinking though
    because despite all the bad that comes from it
    hopefully one day
    i'll think of something that'll make it better

    i think