[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki didn't like seeing the expression he had brought to his lovers face and in turn Loki felt like he had been slapped when the man told him he was misinformed. Loki wanted to argue more that the man had loomed quite fearful when the mention of Loki being able to have children had come up. Loki had resigned himself then to not having anymore. The god however had to take pause when Tony stated that he didn't want children because he didn't think he would be a good father. "Why would you think that? You would be a great father." Loki argued.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony didn’t look at his lover, shaking his head. “No I wouldn’t.” he said simply. “I’m barely able to keep myself alive and healthy, I’m forgetful, I’m pretty much an alcoholic, and I have absolutely no idea how to be a father or even be a part of a family.” He added. “I’d just end up raising a kid that hates me like I hated my parents. But……you deserve a family, you deserve to be a parent, I know it’s what you are meant to do, that it’s when you’re at your best.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki's face fell when Tony contradicted him. "When you have a child everything you do changes. Your whole life revolves around them, anything hazardous you had been doing before gets pushed away. I think you would be wonderful at it. When I had Sleepnir I had no idea how to be a parent. I hadn't meant to have him, hadn't meant to get pregnant. I had help and if I had a child with you then I would help you. However Tony I am only my best at raising them when I have someone by my side." Loki stated touching a hand to Tony's. "I do not want one of my children to be fatherless again. It is why I can not consider besides the other risks that may come from having them." Loki stated. There was silence for a long moment. "I am sorry for doubting your motives." he apologized finally.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony slowly turned his hand to take Loki’s when he touched him. He understood what he was saying, knew it was probably true, in most cases at least, but what if that didn’t happen with him? He really didn’t want to end up with a child that despise him. No kid deserved that. But Loki’s next words seemed to be Loki’s way of saying that he wouldn’t have a kid with him all the same…..and that hurt. It hurt way more than he ever thought it would, but he didn’t voice it. He’d accepted the fact that he’d never have a family when he was still a kid, he shouldn’t have let himself think that there would be a chance of that. Nodding at the apology, he kissed Loki’s hand. “Don’t worry about it…..you weren’t the only one.” He replied lightly. He was used to people assuming things about him. “But that wasn’t what I had planned about talking about this evening.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki felt a bit of relief when Tony's hand turned to take hold of his. He could feel the hurt radiate off of Tony when he finished speaking but he knew not how he had caused the pain. He let it slide setting himself to have a bigger discussion on it later. "What else did you wish to speak of?" Loki asked softly. He wondered how much else there was to speak about with the hope of Tony remaining with him forever. He wondered if he could use that as leverage to convince Tony to let him remove the shards so that he might have longer with the man.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

“Like I was trying to say earlier….there are a few things we have to talk about in regards to these apples…..’ he said softly. “If I were to eat one of these apples, what would happen to me exactly? Is there something beyond simply living forever?” Tony questioned, fidgeting with Loki’s hand as he thought about it.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

When Tony began to speak of the apples again Loki opened his mouth to protest that Tony no longer needed to speak on it. He was surprised to hear the man ask what would happen if he ate one. "You would be rejuvenated to your prime of life, probably gain some strength and durability." Loki answered still confused.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony ran his hand over his chin as he thought about that. “That would add to the problem…..” he mumbled. “Loki, if I decide to eat one of these apples, we would not be able to stay on Earth forever….at least not like this. When people realize I’m not aging, they’ll ask questions and then become pushy ….and if I suddenly look 20 years younger, it’ll happen that much sooner. I’d have to hide away, fake a death, and never show myself in public again. And then if you disguised me or something, they’d become critical of you for being with someone else after having spent so much time with me.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki nodded when the man said that it would add to the problem. He didn't try to argue with the man's reasoning knowing he had lost already. He didn't know where they would go if they left Midgard because Tony needed to disappear. "I understand Tony, I will not speak of the apples again." Loki replied solemnly. "I think I will take a rest now unless there is more you need to speak with me on." Loki stated pulling away and standing. He didn't want to face the fact that his time with Tony would now be limited, he wanted to believe it was a dream.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony was shocked by Loki's words. That was not what he'd been wanting to get at. He was just so used to having a plan for everything. He didn't walk outside without plans for at least ten different situations. He wanted to know they could pull this off before he did it. He didn't snap out of it until Loki had already stood and was talking about going to lay down. Reaching out quickly, he grabbed Loki's wrist. "Loki wait!" He said quickly. "I didn't, I wasn't...." he said stumbling over how he could make this better. Slowly moving his hands to Loki's hips, he pulled him closer. "Please stay Lo....for a few more minutes.....just let me talk.....please?" He asked softly.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki was surprised when Tony grabbed his wrist preventing him from getting further. The god was almost to the point of pulling from the genius' grasp almost desperate to get away when Tony started to speak again. Hands moved to his hips and Tony pulled him closer Loki unresisting. The plea to let the man finish had the god nodding and sinking back to the couch. He felt exhausted now but he would hear Tony out even if it meant all his hopes were dashed. He smiled bitterly to himself as he looked at his own lap, never a perfect ending.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Sighing in relief when Loki slowly sat again, Tony turned toward him fully. “Lo…..babe…..I am not refusing the apples. I am not trying to leave you alone…..I need you to understand that……I’m just adding a few conditions and I want you to understand why, alright?” he asked softly, rubbing his shoulders as he held Loki’s hand again. “I was talking about the aging thing because it’s something we both have to consider and know that it will be a problem eventually.” He said. “I’m adding two conditions to this, beyond me knowing and being able to refuse the price.” Pausing as he figured out how he wanted to approach this, he gave Loki’s hand a squeeze. “You know how upset you feel at the thought of having to be without me? That is exactly how I feel. I do not want to have to be without you…..and I certainly don’t want to face eternity without you….so I want us to find something to kill Thanos first. We don’t have to actually do it, but find something that will do the job when the time comes. He is the only thing that makes me scared for your survival. Give this a few years.....if we haven't found an answer, I'll eat an apple to stay with you, but for right now, I want to search for a way to kill him first.” He said slowly. “And then my other condition is a promise that I have to get from you. If I eat an apple, eventually you will be the only person I have left. I mean Bruce and Steve will be around a lot longer than most humans, but eventually they will be gone too and then I will have no one else, you will have family though, Frigga, and Thor, and your children, they’ll always be there for you. So if I’ve reached that point and something happens to the two of us that we no longer want to be together, we no longer want to be in each other’s lives……you have to promise me that you will kill me when I come to you, that you won’t force me to continue living alone in a time and place I don’t belong to.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki didn't look up from his lap when Tony began to speak again. He didn't allow himself to hope when the man told him he wasn't refusing to eat the apples he just wanted to add more conditions. More conditions meant less and less of a chance of Tony remaining with him forever. Already Tony had to know the price for the apple before they received it and had the right to veto it even if Loki agreed to pay the price. Glancing up when Tony paused and gave his hand a squeeze. He was surprised to hear one of the conditions being that they had to find some way to kill Thanos first. He wondered if he should tell Tony about the pain, the torture that had been promised to him should he fail the mission he had been controlled for. He nodded agreeing to find some way to kill Thanos, it had already been apart of his plans. Looking at Tony completely when the man said the second condition was a promise that he had to get from him. At the second condition Loki felt as though he had been kicked hard, like he couldn't breath. "No, Tony please..." Loki begged when the man asked for him to kill him if they ever separated and Tony was then like him. "You could make friends, find someone new if that happens but please do not make me promise to end you." Loki pleaded shaking his head. He could never see himself coming to dislike Tony so much that he would want him dead.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony knew Loki would agree with his first condition, it wasn’t very hard and something that Loki wanted just as much as him. Loki’s reaction to his second request made Tony hurt a little, but he didn’t back down. “If I do make friends or find someone else, then I won’t ask, not for a while at least, and I imagine there will be things left that I want to do and see……and perhaps if we have time apart, then we will decide to keep each other in our lives, and then I won’t ask….but if I find nothing, if I have nothing, I won’t be able to survive Loki. Having someone to care about and who cares about me is the only reason I’m still alive right now, the only reason why I’ve ended up relatively good. If I was alone, I’d spiral back into places that I don’t ever want to return to. And with that much time under my belt, I have no doubt that I would have the ability to be a very dangerous individual…..either you help me and keep me from that, or I’ll end up being the prime target for every good guy out there, including Thor.” He said slowly. “You wouldn’t have to kill me yourself, just provide me with a way to do it at the least.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki could have cried then but he forced it back. Loki could not believe what was being asked of him. "I will never not want you in my life Tony." Loki stayed his eyes begging the other to not even consider what he was asking. He understood Tony's concerns and for a moment seriously considered having a child with the man just so if something happened between them that Tony would still have something. "You are asking me to kill you either way." Loki argued irritation and a bit of anger took over. He couldn't kill the man but if he promised it he might have to end up doing it and if he didn't then Tony would refuse the apple and die anyway. Loki felt hopeless and desperate.