[LOG] Bonds

[Kaya Wolf Moon]

Ryu sighs, "I don't know if it's bad, but I feel like the truth matters. Knowing who I am is part of what keeps me looking for my sister. It helps me remember what it is to be accepted for who I am and to accept her for who she is.

"I mean, that's really what love is, isn't it? If I lose sight of truth and let the dream version pass off as the real one, is it really her I'm looking for anymore? And if I find her but forgot about her annoying habits, will I be able to be happy with the reality of who she is?"

He shakes his head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to go off some deep philosophical cliff. But my sister isn't a saint. Not that I have any room to judge. If I let myself forget about the times she plucked my feathers or pretended she didn't forget to bring me the berries like she promised, yeah, it doesn't really hurt right now, but it wouldn't really be her I'm looking for anymore. Sure she got us caught out in the rain a few times or I ended up sticky from the honey she drizzled on my face as a prank while I slept. But she also always knew what to say when I didn't feel like I would ever be enough or just stayed with me when I couldn't stand to be alone.

"We're all complex and confusing beings trying to find our place in the world. But I think we never really can until we love and are loved. And loving means seeing who the other person really is and accepting them for who they are. Not inspite of their flaws, but as the whole. Flaws, perfections, and all the messy bits in between." He mostly just stared out at the rain as he spoke. More affirming to himself than really trying to convince Zilla.

WC: 325  

[Kaya Wolf Moon]

He lay in silence. The sounds of the storm were the only noises filtering through the cave for a time. When he spoke at last, his voice was quiet and thoughtful. “It seems to me that you remember her just fine.” He had been surprised at the small details Ryu gave of his daily life with his sister. Little instances, little stories that might appear innocuous but that held a deeper sentiment at their heart. If the other stallion could remember those moments so vividly then Godzilla believed he had nothing to fear. “But even so, it is not a sin to let your dreams and memories mix. The truth is the truth, after all. It cannot be forgotten so easily. Besides, you must remember that she has had time apart from you as well. She is likely having the same dilemma.” He wondered if he should voice his other thoughts. The passage of time might have naturally wrought changes within both siblings. It stood to reason that, due to their circumstances, his sister may very well have changed from the mare he knew. As it would stand that he may not be the same either. Instead of saying it in those terms, the larger stallion simply asked, “Do you think she would recognize you?” It would be up to Ryu to determine if he felt he had changed since their separation.

While he awaited an answer, Zilla let his eyes slide shut. He searched for the power of the storm, sensing it right outside of the cave. He focused on it as he mulled over the rest of what Ryu had said. To love and be loved. That was something he had never known; at least, not outside of Gojira’s friendship. There had never been a deep connection like that. Most were afraid of his size while others were afraid of his abilities. Yes, he had been able to make acquaintances here and there yet, for the most part, it had been only himself and his bonded. A duo who traveled constantly to keep from bringing harm or discord. Godzilla told himself it was better that way. He could keep the other Kaiju in check more easily. At first, it was perfectly fine, but now… Now he wondered if he could ever settle. Could he have a place to call home that was not transient? Would he ever feel what Ryu spoke so highly of? Did he even want that? Zilla could feel his heart beating faster from his musings. He could also sense something else different. His scales. His scales were glowing again, as they always did when his emotions were stirred. Drawing in a deep breath, he forced himself to calm down. The vibrant color dimmed until it was gone. The cave returned to its natural state. “I am sorry,” he cast a pensive glance at the other stallion, hoping he had not frightened him. “I did not mean for that to happen. My scales do that at times. Forgive me if they worried you.” Zilla did not know why he was so worried about Ryu’s reaction. The other times when this had occurred, he had cared less what the other thought or felt about it. This…this was different for some reason.

Zilla did not wish to let the silence linger. Grasping for a discussion topic, he latched onto the one thing that would come to mind. “What is it like to have a sibling? To love and be loved?” He wanted to kick himself for the stupid questions. They made him seem soft. Yet he found he truly wished to know the answer for once.

WC: 609  

[Kaya Wolf Moon]

Ryu was considering Zilla's first question when a glow distracted him. Looking around he saw the other stallion's scales illuminating the cave. It was beautiful.

After a time the glow faded and an apology was offered. Ryu shook his head, wondering why Zilla felt the need to say he was sorry. But there were more questions before he could speak to the matter, as if the larger male wanted to change the subject and scrambled for any change of topic.

"I . . . don't really know how to answer that. It's like asking what it's like to have feathers. It just is.

"I mean, I can tell you what it's like to be separated. Like this endless hollow space where she belongs. It echoes with what's missing. It hurts sometimes when I let myself really feel it." He takes a deep breath.

"I don't think it's supposed to be like that. Not quite that deep. I think the space is supposed to be filled with a lot of different loves with different measures and connections.

"And over time we should fill that space with new love and more bonds. That's what seems to happen in most families. There are parents and siblings and friends and eventually mates or just special friends and then children and an ever growing tree of love that sustains through life.
.
"But for me and my sister . . . We just had each other. I mean, the herd was there and we kind of had that. But we weren't part of the families and they were all contained and we were outside that. So we filled that place where all those connections go with each other.

"And I don't know how to get to that feeling of being connected and loved without her." His eyes close as his head droops, voice soft. "I don't know if she'll recognize me. Or how she will have changed. Maybe she found someone else who fills the place where love goes. Maybe she has a family of her own now and I won't fit in her life anymore.

"I'm terrified of that. Because I don't . . . I don't know how to belong with anyone else. And that's . . . I guess that's how I define love. Belonging. When you love and are loved you have a home no matter where you are because there's space for you in their heart. And you know that no matter how much you mess up they will always accept you just for you."

Blowing out his breath, "Your scales are magnificent, by the way. You don't have to hide them. I know I'm a stranger and I've met enough others since I've been looking for my sister to know that a lot of them don't react well to someone who is different. But I'm not going to be like that. I refuse to fear what I don't recognize or understand and I won't treat a stranger as an enemy just because they are different. I'm alone enough. I'd much rather have a friend, even if it's just for the duration of a storm."

Ryu couldn't help but wonder how badly Zilla must have been treated. Between the apology and the questions it sounded like he didn't have much interaction with others. Though maybe Ryu had misunderstood. Maybe it was just a sibling Zilla didn't know what it was like to have. Regardless, Ryu wasn't sure he'd given an answer that was even understandable, let alone helpful.

WC: 575  

[Kaya Wolf Moon]

The large stallion watched the other intently, waiting for his response with baited breath. Zilla was not sure what had come over him. His questions about love and family were very unlike him. His contentment with being a solitary stallion with only Gojira for company had never faltered as it was now. There was simply something about the way Ryuunosuke spoke of it that left him…curious. “I see,” he said after the other had quieted. His tone was thoughtful, wistful. A place to belong…is that what love is? It seemed a proper enough explanation. A solid detail. Godzilla had never belonged anywhere before. He had never known what that was like. At least, not as Ryu described it. Gojira belonged with him. That was true. Yet he had nowhere or no one else to return to aside from her. Could she have filled part of the void the other stallion spoke of? Frowning, he tried to sift through those memories and feelings of years past. He tried to recall any difference between his feelings now versus then. It was difficult, but perhaps there had been a small change. A small part of his own void having been filled. Yet… He sighed. There was still quite a large hole there. The lack of love and other friendships suddenly crashed down on him. Godzilla felt himself begin to spiral again. No, no. I do not want to activate my scales again. I have to keep myself under control. Squeezing his eyes tight, he willed himself to settle, using Ryu’s voice as an anchor and his words as a focal point. Ryuunosuke’s fear of being forgotten and replaced stung him in a way he had not expected.

Zilla waited for a few seconds. He did not trust himself to say anything immediately but knew he needed to speak. “I think she will have room for you. If she is anything as you are, then I do not think that void cannot be completely filled without you present.” He offered a wane smile, struggling to hide his emotions. To appear weak would not do. While he did not expect an attack from Ryuunosuke, he did not want to show the sadness he held. A sadness he pushed into the darkest recesses every day. To show it would be tantamount to declaring himself unfit for the title of King of the Kaiju. He had to remain invulnerable so that he could keep his kin in check. Except, this was becoming increasingly hard to do around the feathered stallion. His words kept penetrating deep into Zilla’s heart and mind, making him contemplate things and see them in a different light. Just as they were now in regards to his scales. Godzilla blinked. His dark eyes staring uncomprehendingly at first then widening in surprise. Only three others had ever said that of his scales. Gojira being one of them and the other two being a set of misfit twins. “They–they do not bother you then?” He faltered. He was uncertain how to handle the complement he so sparingly heard. “You are certain you are not afraid of them…of me?” There was a hint of hopefulness in his words which he failed to cover. A note of the longing for acceptance he buried deep within himself.

WC: 548  

[Kaya Wolf Moon]

Ryu looks over, almost laughing at the question but holding it back when he sees Godzilla's expression. "Oh . . . You're really worried about that. I . . . Sorry, no. No they don't bother me.

"I told you my people have elemental affinities. And those with strong affinities sometimes have visible effects from their element. I once looked longingly on a mare whose tail was spiked with ice. And one of the elders had a mane of fire.

"That your electric connection results in glowing scales doesn't bother me at all. Sure it's different and new but it doesn't change anything about who you are.

"If you were to attack me for no reason I'd probably have a little fear. At least as long as the storm keeps me grounded. Because, let's face it, you're a mass of muscle and bigger than I am. And that doesn't happen often. But I don't think about fearing others. Maybe because I usually am larger and stronger and I can generally fly away from danger."

He blows out a sigh, "sorry. I ramble sometimes. I guess I just say things as I think them most of the time lately. My sister used to bump me to keep me from talking endlessly to others who really weren't interested.

"You've been a very patient listener and I appreciate it. I know most people who live alone like their silence and I'm keeping you from your rest and imposing on your hospitality.

"But . . . I don't know. I honestly can say that for the first time in a long time I don't feel fear. I feel . . . I guess I feel safe. Like I can relax and it's okay not to have to be strong and have all the answers.

"So no, you nor your scales bother me, Godzilla."

WC: 297