[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony waited for Loki to figure out his response, watching him closely. Figuring out his point, Tony shrugged. "Is something wrong right now? If there isn't anything wrong right now, then don't worry, just keep fixing things." Tony responded, picking up some shard of a memory and examining it. "Eventually you'll figure out what needs to be fixed or you'll fix it accidentally." Tony added. " Until then I can help try and communicate with the bond I suppose. Most people couldn't understand your Asgardian anyway.'
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki frowned when Tony asked him if something was wrong at the moment and he shook his head. Then the man was telling him not to worry about it. That caused Loki's frown to darken, Tony didn't know how it worked with a pregnancy too many things could go wrong. He hated not being able to communicate for that reason. What if something happened and no one was near and JARVIS was the only thing about. How would he tell anyone? It scared him. At the mention of communicating with the bond Loki nodded meekly. He didn't know how to convey that it was fading away. So instead he moved back to the wall he had been working on only eyeing the memories once before setting himself to working on it once more.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony saw Loki's disapproval at his words, but didn't take them back. Stressing and being angry at the moment would help no one. Watching Loki, he sighed heavily, the god was sulking. Glancing at Frigga, he slowly moved to lean against the wall near Loki, looking at him. "I know your frustrated Loki. But be patient...you have some time, and your health and the twins can't handle much more stress." He murmured, trying to catch Loki's eyes. "Stop for a bit Loki...your mother brought some food if my nose was right....eat...get some strength back."
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki knew his mother and Tony were watching him as he worked on the wall. Hearing tony sigh he focused more on his work not knowing what to make of the sigh. From the corner of his eye he saw Tony move and focused more on his work not wanting to cause anything and perhaps fix the problem he was having. When Tony spoke he continued to work nodding when Tony said that he and the twins could not take much more stress. He could feel the tension of the stress through his body and no doubt that it affected his children. He looked up when Tony told his to stop for a bit. The prospect of food was a good one but there was still the problem, well many problems. After a few moments he nodded setting things aside and standing fully. He looked to his mother though with a questioning look. *Letter?* Loki questioned.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony gave a small smile when Loki seemed to decide to stop. Straightening, he looked between Loki and Frigga curiously when he realized that no one was moving. When Loki spoke Frigga blinked and tilted her head. "Do you want me to read it to him now?" She asked slowly.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki shrugged at his mother when she asked if she wanted the letter to be read to the man now. *Sooner...later...than...rather.* Loki stated knowing that might be decipherable. He knew the information in his letter was important and he didn't wish to keep any secrets any longer. *Secrets...more...no.* Loki continued. He hated not being able to speal as he wish but there would be a fix eventually. Perhaps once he had magic again he might be able to find the problem.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Frigga nodded slowly. "Then I'll go retrieve the letter while you eat." She said carefully. She supposed that was the best option at the moment, though she wasn't sure about the timing. With that, Frigga faded from Loki's mind to prepare their food and go retrieve the letter. Tony looked to Loki then, a tiny smile on his lips. "Weird having her in here with us..." He muttered. The door to his mind appeared nearby, opening wide. Making a face as he turned toward his own mind Tony took a moment to essentially wedge it open before leaving Loki's mind,eyes flickering open where he was still leaned against the god.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki nodded when his mother promised to retrieve the letter whilst they ate. He watched her leave anxiety fluttering through him knowing that the contents of the letter could both hurt and help things. He turned to Tony when the man looked to him after his mother had left. He nodded at the comment of it being weird that his mother was in his mind with them. Blinking when Tony wedged the door to his mind open he frowned after a moment. That would have to be corrected if he was to protect what he had given Tony to protect himself and the children. A moment after Tony had opened his eyes Loki opened his and was surprised to feel Tony leaning against him. He sat there unsure what to do while at the same time every fiber of him wanted to curl close to tony. So close that there was no way to tell them apart. His side of the bond mussed, wanted to contact desperately but he knew Tony had to still be upset with him at the very least. He couldn't imagine that Tony would appreciate such things if he was upset with him. So Loki stayed still.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony blinked a few times before slowly sitting up. Rubbing his eyes, he was only mildly surprised when a tray of food was set in his lap, another being placed in Loki's. Frigga made sure they both had what they needed before she nodded. "I'll go retrieve that letter. I shall return shortly." She promised. Tony watched her leave before looking to Loki. "You feel okay overall?" He asked slowly.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki blinked in surprise as food was suddenly set in his lap as soon as Tony sat up. He almost glared at his mother but when she said that she would go fetch the letter he nodded and looked down at the food. He was hungry but still he felt anxious. He nodded when tony asked if he was feeling alright.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony began picking at his food as Loki nodded. “I’ll help you figure out how to rebuild and fix your language….I know it’ll be hard for you until then.” He said slowly before making a face. “Or at least I’ll try to help as much as I can.” He really wasn’t skilled at rebuilding. About all he could do was try to organize by separating, but it might help and Loki would kick him out if something went wrong. “Eat.” He urged softly. He knew Loki was distracted, but he needed to eat. He needed to get some strength back.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki looked to Tony a grateful look on his face when the man said that he would help him rebuild and fix his language. He was glad the man was willing to do that for him right now. He wondered after the latter and finding out about their bond if he would still. Or would Tony take the easy way out and be rid of him. He could take the children too and loki would not fight him. He would be the only one he wouldn't fight. The prompting to eat had Loki nodding and the slowly picking at his food. He still felt too anxious to stomach much but he knew not eating would only cause more havoc.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony gave a tiny smile at the look on Loki’s face, but didn’t speak any more about the matter. They both needed to eat and there wasn’t much Loki could say to him in response. A few moments later Frigga returned, letter in hand. Slowly pulling a chair to the side of the bed, she made sure that both men had eaten a little before looking between them. “Tony…this letter was written by Loki to be read to you. It explains some very personal things in an effort to explain things to you a little more.” She explained, Tony stilling a little as she spoke, looking at her, then at the letter, then to Loki, not sure what to do or say in the situation.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki continued to pick at his food pushing more of it around his plate than actually eating it. He looked up when his mother returned recognizing the letter in her hand and his stomach tightened in apprehension. Still she seemed as determined to see him eat something and he forced down a few bites. He listened to her when she explained the letters purpose to tony. Watching his mother look to him and Tony he frowned. *Read.* he tried to assure her.

He didn't touch his food at that point only staring at his lap as his mother read his letter. His hands clasped together to hide their shaking as it was read.

Tony,

There is so much that I wish to tell you, and yet I am not sure how. I do not feel this letter is the best thing but I can not explain it to you with my own words now. I must rely on whomever is reading this to translate what I am saying to you. I do not even know if I will be aware of things when this is read to you and I fear that greatly. The things I wish to tell you now are important and I hope that you know that I understand that this letter will not excuse my actions in anyway. I merely hope that it will bring you some understanding for why I have done what I did. I also hope that this will allow you some help in the future.

The first thing I wish to tell you, I do not wish my children around for. So please if Fenrir is there send him away until this part of the letter has past. I fear it will hurt him and the others greatly to know. If he is gone now, the reason why is because I do not wish to taint the image of his father in his mind. No one has ever wanted me when I have come to bear children, not even Angroboda. As soon as I found out and had told him, he demanded I rid myself of them. That is something I could never do and he left me. He left me the whole time I was carrying his children and it was only after I had brought them into the world that he had returned. I was dying when he did, bleeding and exhausted with no magic remaining. I used it all to bring my children into the world. He prevented my death and stayed. I knew however it was not because he loved me or the children. He stayed because of obligation, because the children were his and that was what he was supposed to do. The children grew on him of course, and even though I still loved him. Things were not the same, I knew then that he had not loved me, I was convenient. It is because no one has ever wanted me and the children that I ran Tony. I ran not because I was scared that you would not want them, but because I was scared that you did not want me. After our fight all I could see was my whole past playing out in the same way, that you would only stick with me because of obligation. I know now that I was wrong, so wrong. I am more sorry for it than I have ever been in my life. I have ruined so much because of my actions.

The second thing I need to tell you is that Thanos is intent on killing my mind, myself. If he does that I will be no more than a puppet to him. There are many ways he can do this I fear. If he destroys any of the bonds I share, I fear that will cause it. Especially if it is the bond to you or our children. The second is to tear apart my mind and destroy what could be called my core memories. The memories that are my happiest and make who I am. I have tried to prevent this by giving them to you. I did that long before I left, when Thanos first started attacking my mind again. I stored them in your arc reactor Tony, so please if thanos is attacking my mind do not enter it. If he can get to you he can get to them and destroy myself. The third way, is by forcing me to attack one of you. I know this is the easiest way he can destroy me. Do you remember Tony when I was trying to teach Fenrir to change shape from his wolf form to a human form. It would have been much easier to do that had I taken a wolf form, I can. The problem is that that form is cursed. I took it when Vali and Narfi were killed to try and converse with Vali. The magic that he was consumed by took that form from me. If I take a wolf form, it will be violent and I will not remember myself. It was only my magic that allowed me to come back and I have none now. If I am forced into that form you must cage me or kill me.

The last thing I need to tell you is the one that hurts me the most because even though I have returned to you. I am losing you still, our bond is breaking or fading I am not sure which. It has been happening since I left and I know that it is my fault for keeping the lock on our bond. I thought when I returned it would stop but it only seems to have accelerated. I do not know how to fix it and I have no wish to force you back into something if you do not wish it. Or I do not wish to press you into fixing things faster if that is what you wish. I only felt that you had the right to know, I am tired of keeping secrets Tony and even though there is much more that I would tell you I believe that this is enough for now. The last thing I wish you to know is that I do still love you and I wish that I had not done what I had.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony remained perfectly still and silent as Frigga read. He did his best not to react to strongly, listening and not jumping to conclusions. However he did instinctively reach for his reactor and tense when it was mentioned. It wasn’t so much about Loki using it, but he was extremely protective of the device. It was remarkably fragile after all, and even he admitted that it was a miracle that it worked as well as it did. He still remained silent though. Slouching back against the headboard when Frigga finished the letter, he bit his lip. There was so much revealed. He knew there was more. There always was, but he could barely handle this small portion. He could understand why Loki left, or at least he could understand it a little better. His own doubts and worries made it hard to fully believe. The hiding memories bit, he understood in theory, but he’d have to get Loki speaking English to explain exactly what he’d done with his reactor. He felt a little guilty at the knowledge that Loki couldn’t turn into a wolf, considering how he’d annoyed him about it for a time. But the idea of their bond fading bothered him. They were having problems, sure, but he didn’t want to lose Loki, not completely. After a moment, he let out a slow breath. “That’s a lot.” He said slowly. “I need to piece through that.” He added. But after he said that and glanced to Loki and slowly offered his hand to hold, showing that he wasn’t angry. It was the first truly willing touch he’d offered just for contact since Loki came back.