[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bucky blinked at the question presented to him, shaking his head slightly, the motion almost too small to see. He honestly had no idea who or what he was, probably wouldn’t for a very long time. He was surprised when he saw Loki continuing to be alright with him, despite the fact that he was struggling at the moment. Hearing the list of time Loki had been tortured, he frowned darkly. He hated Hydra enough for what they’d done to him, and for all they knew he was utterly alone in the world. These people had tortured Loki while he had family and children. Sighing to himself, he put the chess piece aside before he broke it. “And Tony knows about all of this? He’s helping you?”
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

"you have to figure out who you are, but it doesn't mean you can't have help. Sometimes you even need the help. Need the reassurance of others that even if your not who you thought you were that they are still there for you." Loki continued. It was something else that he had the experience in. Finding out he was a Jotun and dealing with that fact and then knowing that his family still loved him despite it. Or when he had found out his ability to have children, both had been terrifying for him but it had been his family's love and support that helped him realize himself. And tony whose love was helping him come to terms with not hiding the jotun form away or dealing with the tortured that had been done to him. "Most of it, some of it I wasn't ready to talk about before I left. Some I still don't know if I can. But he helps when he can, thanks in my mind is harder to help with but he wants to." Loki replied.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

There was a guarded look that passed across Bucky's face at the notion of relying on Steve in figuring things out. He knew he needed to on some levels, but Steve had this idea of who he was, some idealized memory of a man Bucky was pretty sure was dead if he ever existed at all. Steve didn't deserve to have that memory ruined when he realized that man didn't exist now. Making another, seemingly careless move on the board, Bucky leaned his head against the couch cushion. When Loki said Tony was helping him with some of it, he gave a small grunt of acknowledgement, eyes sliding closed. "Yet you still fear he resents you? Doesn't sound like there is even the smallest hint of that....and you don't see how he looks at you and at Fenrir."
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

"I get that you don't want to upset Steve by being a different person than what he remembers. I would say talk to someone else but I think Steve is the only one left from your time. You could try talking to someone else that doesn't know the past you. I am sure almost anyone here would be happy to give you whatever support you needed, myself included." Loki offered. He understood the need for someone to talk to but not disappointing the ones that thought the best of them. Raising an eyebrow at the move Bucky made Loki mad a counter move. When Bucky questioned his fear after having eplained that Tony did indeed try to help him Loki smiled a bit embarrassed. "My mind isn't stable at the moment, and my experiences tend to make me dount alot. What do you mean how Tony looks at Fenrir and I?" Loki questioned  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bucky gave a small nod. Steve was the only person left from his time, or at least the only person he could actually talk to. Everyone else thought he was dead and were too old to risk the shock of finding out he was alive and in the state he was in. The notion that Loki was offering to help Bucky though, made him smile slightly. If nothing else, Loki understood a little of what had happened to him. “Thank you.” Watching Loki’s move, he gave a hum and made another quick move of his own. “Tony looks at the two of you differently, like you two are the only things in the universe, the answer to everything.” He explained slowly. “He’s always moving, never focusing, just like Howard. But he goes still around you and Fenrir. The only way to make him focus when I first came around was to put Fenrir in his lap, otherwise he was in his own world.” Giving a shrug, he rubbed at the spot where his metal arm connected to his shoulder, absently massaging it.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

"You are welcome." Loki replied returning the smile. His offer was genuine, he did truly want to help Bucky if he could. If for nothing else than he understood what the man was going through but the more they talked the more Loki wondered if they could be friends. He thought he would like that but he wouldnt push the man to form a friendship when he had other things to figure out. Loki would be just as content with the occasional game of chess or mere conversation. Taking one of Bucky's pawns at the man's quick move he listened to the solider talk about how different tony became around Fenrir and himself. Loki had seen but and pieces of what the man was talking about but never to the extent that Bucky seemed to have witnessed. "I...thank you for telling me that." Loki said softly smiling gently at the knowledge he had gained. "Does it hurt?" Loki asked when he saw Barnes rubbing at his shoulder.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bucky smirked as Loki took his pawn, taking a rook in response. He didn’t seem to be the most skilled at this game, but he was far from bad. As his hand drifted back to his shoulder, he blinked at Loki. “I….I don’t really know.” He frowned, looking at his shoulder. “If it does, it’s hurt so long I’ve forgotten about it.” He shrugged. His shoulder was always uncomfortable, but he was used to it, he just massaged his shoulder out of habit more than anything at this point. “I know sometimes I feel pain in my arm…or where my arm should be. But it’s nothing, not really.”
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki smiled as Bucky took his room after he had taken the man's pawn shifting a bishop to pin a pawn close the the man's king. Looking to Bucky again as the man proclaimed that he didn't know if his shoulder hurt he nodded. "If it does it's just become a part of you that you barely notice except when it really hurts. It's like how I deal with the babies putting extra weight and therefore stress on muscles that don't normally do such work. I mean your is certainly more intense but I understand the feeling." Loki stated then tried to make sure Bucky knew he wasn't belittling his pain by trying to compare it to his own temporary discomfort.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bucky gave a small shrug at Loki’s explanation. “Maybe it is.” He said simply. He had no real idea how Loki felt to guess if there was any similarity. And his experience of pain seemed so twisted now, only the strongest of pain really getting his attention anymore. Rolling his shoulders, he smirked, moving his king into a more protected position. “So it’s natural for you? Getting pregnant? It’s not some spell or ritual?” he asked. As he spoke though, he suddenly sat straight, looking towards the hallway with a small frown. A moment later footsteps were easily heard, followed by Sam rounding the corner, a water bottle in hand having just come from the gym. The man arched a brow at the pair, looking them over as Bucky relaxed in his position again. “Chess? This early in the morning?” He asked dryly, shaking his head as he moved by, heading towards the kitchen. “Not our fault that you’re incapable of useful thought.” Bucky shot back, Sam just clicking his tongue at the taunt. “That’s the best you’ve got?”
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki shifted another piece when Bucky moved his king to another spot more protected. "It's natural, freaked me out the first time. I didn't know I could because Asgardian males don't get pregnant. I suppose that should have been my first clue I wasn't one but I convinced myself it was my magic. It wasn't till I realized where I really came from that it clicked that it was normal." Loki explained smiling a bit to himself. Everything had been scary the first time when he didn't understand but jow it was almost nice. When Bucky suddenly straightened and looked to the hallway Loki too looked that way until he saw Sam appear. "It is good to exercise your mind, as much as you exercise your body." Loki countered when Sam complained about them playing chess so early. Hearing Bucky's shot at the man had the god smiling.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Sam rolled his eyes at Loki. "You only say that because you're a bit too round to exercise at the moment." He said lightly, disappearing though the door towards the kitchen. Bucky let out a little huff, shaking his head as Sam left. The combative nature between the two was known well enough, one of the few things that regularly dragged Bucky out of his memories. Taking his turn, Bucky slowly settled again. "You almost sound like you enjoy being pregnant, or being able to be pregnant at least." he mumbled, turning a curious eye on Loki.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

The god flushed in embarrassment and a bit of shame when Sam said that he was too round to exercise. He knew the man wasn't trying to be mean but it was one of those insults that Asgard had laid at him. Pressing a hand to his belly he was given a kick which called him some and he smiled down at the babies he knew were there. "I like knowing that I am responsible for such a life. There are certain aspects of being pregnant I enjoy like the kicking right now. Being pregnant her on Midgard has been generally more a happy experience but it is watching the children grow that I think is the best part. Seeing what they become, the choices they make and knowing how happy they are to see you." Loki said softly as he moved another piece.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bucky saw the flash of embarrassment, but didn't comment on it, not wanting to make it worse in some way. As the god explained his view on matter, Bucky let out a little hum of acknowledgement. "I guess that would make it worth it, if you look at it that way." he said quietly, moving a knight dangerously close to a check on Loki's king. "And you've personally carried all your kids? You haven't had a partner that gave birth to any of them? I mean that's a lot of kids."
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki smiled when Bucky said that it made sense when looked at things through Loki's eyes. Seeing the knight get dangerous close to his king he shook his head and shifted a piece to get closer to Bucky's king and queen trapping them between the bishop of before and the new piece. The queen might escape the trap but Loki had pieces positioned to take her if she escaped. He was more trapping the king than the queen taking the risk that he could be checked to set up his own checkmate."Yes I carried all of them, and I didn't really know the first two fathers. The first time was a complete accident, a happy one but an accident. The second well... Perhaps that's a story for later. Only the triplets were minorly planned. But when these two are born it will make eight children I have born in four pregnancies which apparently is alot for any rwlam I have seen." Loki chuckled at that.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bucky smiled slightly. “That is a lot, both in pregnancies and in children, at least now.” He said softly. “Back when I was born it was more common to have a lot of children…if the mother could handle having that many. Being an only child, or one of only 2 or 3 children was rare.” He explained. Frowning at the board for a moment, he thought for a second before moving his queen to capture one of Loki’s pieces. “I’m surprised that it’s rare to have a lot of children on your world though.” He sighed. “With your people living so long, I would think that it would be easy to have large families.”