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  • Artist Info: My Testimony<br />
    B.C.<br />
    <br />
    I was born in 1992. My mom and dad divorced when i was an baby. I've never met him or seen him as far as i know and it doesn't bother me much. My mom was schizophrenic due to undisclosable circumstances. It didn't bother me as a kid and over-all she tried her hardest to take care of me though i didn't realize it at that point in my life. The only thing i wish she'd have done is discipline me more. I got away with everything and pretty much did what i wanted. We moved about every year or two totaling into 11 moves.<br />
    In 8th grade, I came to two conclusions: God didn't exist and i was bisexual, but the order i decided that was i can't remember. I never told my mom this but we were also becoming estranged from each other. And i decided to shut her her out of my life. Here, I thought it was none of her business but a year later i would just resent her. <br />
    My whole life I had drawn but in 7th grade I began to draw anime. By 10th grade I was really good at it. I used it for evil though. Most of what i drew was disgusting, lewd, violent and outright blasphemous. I'd taken my talent and used it to spite God. I contradicted myself in that while i didn't believe He existed, i did everything i was willing to do to make him angry for giving me the shaft and being so cruel and neglectful to mankind. I thought Christianity was a hypocritical man-made religion and Christians were either stupid and ignorant or liars.<br />
    At 14 I started high school. I made friends with more people, had typical high school fun, ect. During this time i smoked cigarettes too, but as weird as it sounds i quit with no effort of will power and because i was bored with it and didn't want to start chain smoking.I also had my first and only girlfriend but nothing more than holding hands came out of it. i got into cutting as well. At first i was just trying it, but the more i did it the further it nudged me into a bipolar depression and the more depressed i was the more frequently i'd cut myself to feel better and feed my addiction. I never thought I would want to kill myself when i started yet in the end i got rid of my razors because i did and it became too much of a hazard. that one was more difficult to quit though. <br />
    <br />
    In the spring of 2009 I was walking to my house on a day like all the days i'd every walked home. I'd gotten to the apartment. that day my mom was in an episode but when i stepped inside everything was quiet. So i thought she was asleep and checked her room to she if she was there, but it was vacant. I was going into the kitchen and i saw her on the floor. From then it was totally unreal as it happened. I called 911. They asked me to take her pulse. Her skin was unnaturally cold. I waited. And the paramedics came. What i thought the moment i fist saw her there, the medic confirmed as he broke the news to me. The police and social services took me soon after.<br />
    I'd thought about death frequently before, creating gruesome depictions of it, but after that, death flooded from my imagination and into my reality.<br />
    I had called some of my friends it would that I would stay with that friend for a few days until they could place me in a temporary foster home, but that intention grew into a six week stay.<br />
    After being driven to my friend’s house, the next few days were awful. Greif submerged my heart into a pool of acid that constantly ate at it. Every time I felt partially better, foreboding sadness would consume me, making simple tasks like eating or conversation impossible to bear. For over a week I was worried over my two cats who were taken into a kennel. The first week back in school was difficult. my pets were returned to me but they were sick from being in the kennel. I managed to persevere throughout the rest of the semester and a couple weeks of summer on emotional autopilot. At some point I was able to laugh, and be a little happy. But the only reason i wanted to live was because i didn't want to die.<br />
    The hour finally approached of whether I would live with a different friend or foster family semi-permanently (until I turned eighteen). The hope I’d gathered was blown apart as my caseworker decided I would live with the foster family she took me to visit.<br />
    The first week I was upset while I adjusted to living with my new foster family. How dare the county take that choice away from me, after imprinting the misconception that I held a say in everything? I eventually adjusted to the changes. I was aggravated from living with more people than i was used too. I went to their church once (while i still didn't believe) but i didn't participate and left my heart closed when i was there and closed when i left. I had sunday and wednesday partially to myself, and spited God in their absence. ____a subtle change had formed a defect in my personality. I was riddled with thoughts of death and constant onslaughts of worry and doubt. It didn't take more than thirty minutes to be concerned about death inevitably getting closer. as an atheist, there was no possible comfort for this. Apparently as my paranoia spread, I accomplished subtly hyperventilating (or over-breathing) without noticing – when a person hyperventilates, the air can clot extremely small capillaries and also cause chest pains because the lungs expand further that the chest is meant to – which is similar to a heart attack. so I became terrified when these symptoms affected me. As my fear increased my foster-mom scheduled an appointment at the regular doctor's; but i ended up going to urgent care before then because i was so scared. <br />
    I had blood work done, an x-ray, and an EKG. Everything ran smoothly, except the anxiety which accompanied me everywhere I went. From this visit the medical staff suggested I had an anxiety disorder. At the second appointment planned earlier, the topic wasn’t my cardiovascular, but my emotions. She interviewed and examined my emotions confirming what the first set of doctors thought. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). <br />
    We left home at night. Only for an hour or so, could I close my eyes away from it on the 15 hour journey to San Antonio, Texas. Until I became irritable from the lack of sleep and hot weather, I didn’t mind being in a car with six people, but when it was morning, it really just sucked to still be in that car. Finally, we reached the lake house and slept.<br />
    As our visit to my foster dad's aunt, uncle, mother and step-father progressed, the tide of my anguish rose to greet me again while I pondered the after-life. What if God exists? What if there is a hell? Will God judge me? Where will i go? I kept trying to focus on one day at a time without success.<br />
    During one of our swims, everyone else got bored and left, but my foster mom and I decided to stay in the lake water so we could take a less steep back up rocky, half-evapotarated lake. Both of us lazed in the pool as o a conversation over belief began. I confessed that I was still plagued with dread concerning my future.<br />
    After considering it, I decided to start exploring religion liked i'd planned and put off earlier. since the bible was the only text i had access to i began there. I had decided to give all my considerations a chance but as i read each chapter in genesis i realized more and more and more that God wasn't who i made made Him out to be. He isn't negligent or cruel at all. He is loving and caring, and has had a sovreign hand that is prominent in history and everyone's lives.<br />
    I came to the revelation that God Had allowed my mom's death to happen so that i would be placed into this family and a place of brokenness where i would be willing to give the Lord a real chance for Him to tell me how much He loves me personally and intimately and His warning about where my actions will lead me. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.<br />
    God created us to have a relationship with Him. He could have made some robotic artificial beings but He created you and gave you free will to love Him genuinely. And since we have free will we have the option to chose to know Him and to choose to rebel and sin. Sin is an archery term that means 'to miss the mark', or to fall short. And everyone has. "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," (Romans 3:23). Our sin separates us from God. when the world was created Adam and Eve were in a perfect relationship with God. Yet, because they chose to sin they had separated themselves from Him. God is Holy and cannot tolerate sin. Holy means separate; perfect:; uncreated. God hates sin because it separates us from him. Death is the consiqunece of sin and was never meant to be. And, these sins cannot be removed by good deeds. The bible says our righteousnesses are like filthy, putrid rags. "But we are all like an unclean thing, And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; We all fade as a leaf, And our iniquities,like the wind, Have taken us away." (Isaiah 64:6)<br />
    But, Jesus came to earth, becoming fully man and fully God without comprimising either nature and lived the perfect life for us, in our place. He died in agony on the cross, paying the ultimate price for us. And Jesus rose from the grave and conquered death, proving that He is God. Everyone who trusts in Jesus Christ alone for their salvation will have eternal life. All of the sin we've commited, and will commit has been forgiven. Christ's righteousness is now imparted to those who have faith in Him. "Part of the reality of eternal life is that it doesn't start after you die but as soon as you believe (John 10:10). This life is the joy of a real, exciting relationship with Jesus every single day through prayer, worship and living in the strength that God provides through his Holy Spirit (Ephesians 5:1 cool .The other part of the reality of eternal life is that all who have it will be with Jesus forever and ever in heaven someday. Once we receive it is ours forever and we are his forever!"<br />
    <br />
    After we returned i was eager to learn more about God and Jesus. In the youth group i'd been told that being a Christian is the hardest thing you can ever do, but i'm glad i was told the truth. so many people come into the faith expecting it to make life easy and happy and fall away from it because it failed to meet those expectations. <br />
    One day an assistant pastor did an alter call that i saw on the TV in the cafe during the 1st service. I was nervous but i went up in the 2nd service to proclaim my faith publicly. Since then I'd been baptized.<br />
    I also gave up my struggle with sexuality to God. I still thought it was right at the time despite what the bible says about it. I still thought i was right but i decided to trust God and give it up because He said so.As I trusted Him I began to see how it is sin. You can pretend that I'm repressing who i am or that i was never bi in the 1st place, but the truth is, Christ has the power to change anyone if you'll allow Him to. I was really bi, and now I'm totally straight.<br />
    <br />
    Today, I'm still not perfect. And I struggle with temptation and giving in like any other Christian, yet I can honestly say that I am deicated to following Christ and pursuing my relationship with Him. (John 14:6) " Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.'"<br />
    <br />
    I've shared this with you so that you might seek Him.<br />
    <br />
    "When I die whatever you might say, don't say I'm gone/ 'gone' is not the word for someone who finally found his way back home." <br />
    - showbread<br />
    <br />
    A.D.<br />
    <br />
    "Dear Father, I know that I'm a sinner. I realize that my good deeds will never get me into heaven. Right now I believe that Jesus died in my place for my sins. I trust in Him alone to forgive me for all of my sins. Thank you for your free gift of eternal life."<br />
    <br />
    http://www.dare2share.org/gospeljourney/<br />
    <br />
    don't have a bible? Here's on online for free! no gimics! =)<br />
    http://www.blueletterbible.org/index.cfm<br />
    <br />
    <br />
    1 John 5:11-12 And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.<br />
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