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  • Artist Info: (not alot about me so far lol)<br />
    p.s. most are about pets <br />
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    bit from a Dog's Diary........ <br />
    <br />
    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! <br />
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! <br />
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! <br />
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! <br />
    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! <br />
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! <br />
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! <br />
    5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing! <br />
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! <br />
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! <br />
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! <br />
    <br />
    bit from a Cat's Diary... <br />
    <br />
    Day 983 of my captivity.... <br />
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. <br />
    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. <br />
    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. <br />
    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards. <br />
    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. <br />
    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. <br />
    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. <br />
    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now. <br />
    <br />
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    <br />
    *Northampton Church Ladies Bulletin Board*<br />
    <br />
    Love those Church Ladies.. <br />
    <br />
    They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters... These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: (I think)<br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. <br />
    - ------------------------- <br />
    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. <br />
    -------------------------- <br />
    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.<br />
    <br />
    *ABOUT A CLEVER BLONDE (this is the name of the tile)* <br />
    <br />
    A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St<br />
    Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven<br />
    is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put<br />
    up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly<br />
    Arrivals.'<br />
    'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' <br />
    'Just three questions' said St Peter.<br />
    'Which are?' asked the blonde.<br />
    'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the<br />
    letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The<br />
    third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'<br />
    'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I<br />
    call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'<br />
    So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable<br />
    thought (I expect you to do the same).<br />
    The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she<br />
    had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'<br />
    'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the<br />
    letter T?'<br />
    The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'<br />
    St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the<br />
    answer can be applied to the question.<br />
    'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three<br />
    questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'<br />
    The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'<br />
    'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'<br />
    'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of<br />
    February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve<br />
    seconds.'<br />
    St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your<br />
    answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his<br />
    head.<br />
    A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the<br />
    answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely<br />
    correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the<br />
    name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'<br />
    The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to<br />
    answer.'<br />
    'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'<br />
    'It's Andy.'<br />
    'Andy??'<br />
    'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.<br />
    This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,<br />
    deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any<br />
    longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive<br />
    at THAT answer?'<br />
    'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy<br />
    boiled.'<br />
    And the blonde entered Heaven.... <br />
    <br />
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    * * * What's worse I bet you are now singing it to yourself<br />
    <br />
    <br />
    *Thought of the Day* <br />
    <br />
    Handle every stressful situation like a dog. <br />
    If you can't eat it or play with it, <br />
    Just pee on it and walk away.
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