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  • Artist Info: Abandonded<br />
    Isn't as cruel a word as abused<br />
    But it's enough, I think.<br />
    I know you wanted a boy, father;<br />
    You wanted to name me Junior<br />
    You really wanted Little League<br />
    Roughhousing and car mechanics<br />
    And that father-son talk at thirteen.<br />
    Instead you got a scardey-cat girl<br />
    Who you had to toss in the pool,<br />
    Who hid in her room, in trees,<br />
    In books,<br />
    Who cringed at the idea of violence,<br />
    Who had a hard time standing up for herself.<br />
    I don't think that's why you left<br />
    And why you stayed gone for eleven years;<br />
    I know you called sometimes,<br />
    But when mom would ask if I wanted to talk to you<br />
    It was me that said no.<br />
    I don't really believe you were ashamed of me,<br />
    But I did then,<br />
    Especially since I was angry and wanted very much<br />
    To be ashamed of you.<br />
    I was bitter about the "college fund," father;<br />
    About the endless lack of money,<br />
    About having to sneak around the house in the daytime,<br />
    About only seeing you when you decided to make an appearance,<br />
    About the pot in the hall closet<br />
    (I learned to fear police raids when I was in first grade),<br />
    About the broken promises.<br />
    You were so gone for such a long time<br />
    That when you finally left for real<br />
    It was almost a relief,<br />
    And I spent years trying to unremember<br />
    Anything good about you<br />
    So I wouldn't miss<br />
    What I couldn't have.<br />
    And one day, out of the blue,<br />
    You're coming to town, and it's convenient to visit.<br />
    Never mind that it's been half my life since the last time I saw you;<br />
    Never mind that I'm now an adult living on my own,<br />
    Now you want to play Daddy,<br />
    And I'm your little girl.<br />
    You don't get that, father.<br />
    Not after the bitterness,<br />
    Not after figuring out that the reason I had so many fucked-up relationships<br />
    Was that I kept picking guys that ended up leaving me,<br />
    Not after spending years getting a spine<br />
    And a sense of my own worth<br />
    And learning how not to be a shy little girl.<br />
    You certainly don't get to see my awkward teenage years;<br />
    You'll never know what it was like when I graduated from high<br />
    school,<br />
    When I started dating,<br />
    When I learned to drive,<br />
    When I left home to make my own way.<br />
    Too late, father.<br />
    You take me as I am<br />
    Or not at all.<br />
    And since you never bothered to find out who I am,<br />
    And you still don't show much interest,<br />
    I'll just assume that you don't want me after all.<br />
    And you know what?<br />
    I'm doing just fine without you.<br />
    I finally found a man who wouldn't leave;<br />
    I finally discovered what I'm good at;<br />
    I finally identified and am working to kill<br />
    That lingering fear of other people's fathers,<br />
    And the fear of not having a child by myself.<br />
    It would be so much easier and more understandable<br />
    To make up a story of abuse and neglect--<br />
    Though the neglect isn't that far off.<br />
    There's a father-sized hole in my life,<br />
    And it's been there for fifteen years,<br />
    So I've learned to build my life around it.<br />
    But when I have a child of my own<br />
    Don't expect to hear from me;<br />
    I'm not going to want you there.<br />
    You may not understand-you may never understand.<br />
    It's the price you've already paid for freedom and escape.<br />
    You'll always be my father,<br />
    But you'll never be my Dad again.<br />
    That's what I get<br />
    For being<br />
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