• John rushed out of the trailer, not looking back at the mess behind him as he shut the door. He shook as he walked, losing his balance as he went along. He was still quite drunk from this morning. He wasn’t sure where he was going yet, just that it was going to be far away from her.

    What Rachel had done exactly he could not remember. He could never remember what she did to make things like this. And it was her. Despite his drunkenness, she was the one who always drank a bit too much, who always flirted with other men a bit too much, she was the one who always placed the blame on him. In the years that they had been married, John could only
    remember a few good memories. After they had married they had gone their separate ways.

    John continued on with his wandering, stumbling up and down the neighbourhood streets until coming to a park. It was a small park; just a few rusty swings and a merry-go-round. He sat in one of the swings and slowly pushed himself back and forth, beginning to feel the nausea subside. Across the park a small group of children were huddled up around something. One of
    them, a girl, shrieked and the boys laughed. John heard her beg them “to let it go!” and assumed they must have caught a small animal of some sort. He watched with mild interest as the girl cried out again before running off. As he sat there on the squeaking swings, he found himself thinking back to his friend Derek. One day Derek had come to him with a small mouse he had bought at the local pet shop. He had told John was going to see how much the mouse could take before it would die. John had followed Derek to his house, but felt sick and ran off when his friend was about to shove a needle into the poor creature’s eye.

    Would it still make him sick? Part of him wanted to believe that he had changed since he was a boy, but he was also aware that he was a now a man who couldn’t take life sober. When he thought this way, John felt more angry than anything. He was quickly up off the swing, marching over towards the group of boys and whatever it was they held captive. Seeing the intoxicated man coming their way the boys quickly got up and ran off, leaving a small, dazed robin on the ground behind them. John got over to it quickly before it could recover its senses and scooped it up gently. The bird became aware of its new captor and began to move its head around frantically, trying to find a way to escape. John tightened his grip slightly and waited patiently for the bird to settle down.

    He found his thoughts going back to home. Rachel might be cleaning up the mess, but it was more likely she was sitting with her wine or passed out. That is how he usually found her on a day like today, doing nothing useful. The bird squawked and John became aware that his hand had tightened significantly around the bird’s body as he thought about his wife. He was slightly horrified to find that this made me feel better, but he tightened his grip a little more. The bird gave out a pathetic cry and tried to struggle free one last time. John kept his eyes trained on the bird, watching with a strange fascination as the robin’s eyes bulged slightly. He couldn’t seem to let it go. He kept thinking of Rachel, and how much he would like to hurt her like this. He’d like to feel some control in his life for once.

    He stiffened his grip further, then stopped when he felt a familiar wave of nausea come over him. His loosened his fingers, and felt ashamed, partly because he wanted to and mostly because he couldn’t. He was still a boy, he was dependent, he was weak. John set the bird down on the ground and watched it fly off hurriedly. He sat there until dark before getting up and walking back to his house in a daze. The lights were still on, maybe Rachel was still awake. John didn’t care though, he only wanted a drink.