• If forced to lie I would say I hate you.

    Behind the eyes there is a far different story, one which if you knew I’m not sure if you would see me in the same way. Honestly when the awkward moment occurred every second seemed like a tiny pin of dread and foreboding pushing lightly onto the skin of my chest. I wanted that image trapped in my mind, pushed into a frame to hang up as high as I could, it would reside above trivial passions for the everyday workings of life but just below ambition. Feeling like a stalker as I wanted to see you more was inevitable, saying stupid things in attempt to make you laugh was my forte and your lips curling into a smile was better than any thrills. As you know I was never soppy for these kinds of things, even though I pretended to be scared of horror movies I thought were awesome just to be near you.

    But friends was never good enough and despite various encounters with the Irish pastime in me I was never able to convey how much I really liked playing two player gaming and fragging the hell out of everything with you. A truly golden memory would be the way I felt an unnatural urge to touch your hand even though my first attempt ended in a thumb war. I would have loved it if it were so simple to say my feelings but they all came out in blurted sentences and horrible cliché dialogue which I would rather bleach from my own mouth. The fact is you made me weird.

    There are several things I would like to say to you right now If I wasn’t a total coward and one would be that you really left fingerprints on my heart. You were truly beautiful to the core and frankly if given the chance I would have pretty much pounced on you, but that will be just my little secret. You were a rival in the best sense and for the record I won those drinking games and pwned you big time, but I thought it was really cute when you sulked about it.

    Today I leave you in a box by the roadside of my life, left behind but wrapped in a bow none the less. This will be my closure, your box as too heavy for me to carry all the way and I promise I will forget the feeling when I think back. Just for you I leave my box, however tiny it was, and say ‘I love you’ because you exist and will continue to be happy without me there.

    I have an impossible wish.