• A Father’s Guide to Suicide
    It was another dreary Monday morning. I blinked the sleep from my eyes. My self-conscious Persian cat, Domino, unhurriedly made her way into my bedroom. She mewed at me until I scooped her up in my arms and carried her outside. “There you are.” I put her down letting her prance blissfully down the street, tail straight up. “It’s time for school, Kelly. I know you don’t want to be late,” I mumbled using the same words my mom would use everyday before I went to school. That was before she…I shoved the thought away before I let myself remember. I didn’t want to start my day in tears; especially when I was hitching a ride from my boyfriend, Oliver. I found myself wishing I could’ve driven myself to school everyday, but I didn’t have a car. I never really thought about asking for one; mainly because our family never had enough time or money. I did have a part-time job at Qdoba. Not exactly the job I was hoping for, but it was my ticket to buying a car for myself. I wouldn’t ask my dad for anything. He was quietly losing his mind and I couldn’t be a burden on his shoulders. The thought of my mother brought uncontrollable tears to my eyes. I fingered the diamond necklace she had given me for my 16th birthday. Looking back on that day made me smile. I had nothing to worry about. I thought it would last my entire life.
    “Morning Kelly,” my dad called to me from inside the house. I quickly wiped the last tear from my eyes as he walked out with a cigarette and lighter in hand. He lit it and took in a massive mouthful of air that made me gag. I rolled my eyes in disgust. “C’mon, dad,” I sighed. He came over and sat down beside me, letting the chair slightly push us back. “You know smoking is bad for you.” I shook my head in disapproval as I criticized. He stared back at me waiting for the right moment to speak. It almost made me cry seeing my dad like that.
    “You sound just like your mother.” His expression became somewhat cheerful as he spoke. His voice was low and soft. This was an improvement from the distress coming from his lips two weeks before. I was living in Chicago, Illinois with my dad and five year old brother, Bradley. As for my mom, she left us after Bradley came home. I remember how that night began with my parents beginning one of their normal earsplitting fights. It would always leave them both feeling closer than before. It was their hug in the end that was always the conclusion of their fight. I waited all night on the front porch step for them to quiet down. To my dismay, the noise level hadn’t changed. I began to cry, seeing my mother stepping through the door. She had her purse in one hand, and her luggage in the other. “Mom,” I mumbled just loud enough for her to hear. She stormed to her car not giving a reply. I watched her in complete shock as she drove away into the night without even saying goodbye. I stood there frozen. I could not believe my tear-soaked eyes. It was all a dream. Mom is okay, she is going to come back! I would try to tell myself. I knew better than to lie. I went from disappointed to fuming. A headache made its way into my already sore skull. Why did she leave?! What made this time different from any other fight? Bradley didn't understand why his mommy had left. My poor dad didn’t speak for months at a time. I had to hand it to him; he was taking this better than I would have…
    My dad stood up and walked back into the house. It was almost strange how he didn’t say anything. Of course, I never knew what to expect from him. I remember the days when there was never a doubt about my happiness, until they grew apart. It was silly how my life was never the same. I shook my head in dismay. I would’ve given anything to get that one memory back. To have my mother hold me and tell me that everything was okay, to tell me that I had nothing to worry about. I wiped one single tear from my face. So much for not crying, I thought unhappily to myself. I slowly walked to the bathroom to check my makeup. After hiding the evidence of my crying, I sat back on the porch. Oliver had just pulled up into the driveway. I heaved my backpack over my shoulder as I headed his way.
    “Hey, beautiful,” he commented. I ducked into his beat up, sea foam green Toyota Corolla trying as hard as I could to smile. He looked at me skeptically. I knew I couldn’t hide anything from him.
    “Hey, handsome,” I flirted back as I bent over and gave him a kiss.
    “You can tell me anything, you know,” he noted as he drove out of my street.
    “I know, but I’m fine. Don’t worry about me,” I defended myself. I started gazing out the window as if something new would appear. To my disappointment, nothing appeared. I was always waiting for a miracle. Too bad I had the worst luck. I wiped another tear from my eye. He grabbed my hand.
    “Everything’s going to be okay,” he soothed me. I nodded leaning my head on his chest. The car fell silent as we stared out onto the road. Time seemed to drag on forever. Oliver finally broke the awkward silence. “Wanna go to my house after school today?” I looked up as we curved into Sherwood Heights High School. He knew the answer to his question before I spoke it.
    “Yes I do,” I replied gaining my strength attempting to smile again.
    “Good, ‘cause I have a surprise for you,” he reassured me with a smirk that sent shivers through my spine. That delighted me the moment he said it. I always loved surprises, especially from Oliver. I knew I was going to be looking forward to whatever he had planned all day long. I stood uneasily as I wondered what it was that he was going to surprise me with. We went our separate ways when the bell rang. After a long, irritating day at school, I leisurely walked to my locker.
    “Kelly!” I heard someone shout over the loud clatter in the hallway. I didn’t have to look to know who was calling my name. I unhurriedly turned to find Oliver rushing towards me. I grinned as he gave me a quick hug.
    “Hey, Liver,” I teased him using the nickname that I knew he hated. He cringed at me as I laughed innocently. He put his arm around me as we walked together. We stopped when we reached his truck in the parking lot. He gave me a kiss on the cheek before I went around the car to the passenger’s side. We were both seniors in high school and had been dating since we were sophomores. Instead of going down his street as we had originally planned, we kept going.
    “What are you doing?” I demanded looking slightly puzzled. This made Oliver laugh hysterically.
    “Didn’t I say I had a surprise for you?” He winked at me with his emerald green eyes that sparkled along with his crooked smile. We reached our favorite sushi restaurant where we always sat on the balcony overlooking the ocean.
    “How many?” The brunette waitress inquired.
    “Just the two of us,” Oliver answered letting his hand fall into mine. The waitress nodded as she grabbed two menus and motioned us to follow. She strode as swiftly as her skinny legs would allow. “Do you want to know what this is about?” Oliver asked as he nonchalantly sipped on his soda. I scowled at him playfully. Oliver shifted awkwardly in his seat. “Will you move in with me?” He ran over his words hesitantly as he spoke. It hit me by surprise at first. The thought was almost too good to be true. Though, we had been dating for three years, why not?
    “What will my dad think of this?” I insisted.
    “He thinks it would be a great idea...” Oliver hesitated as if trying to word what he was about to say carefully, “as long as you take Bradley with you.” I couldn’t believe my dad would actually agree to this. However, he was acting extremely bizarre lately, I thought hopefully to myself, I guess he could use being alone to his advantage. Maybe he could even get a girlfriend! I smiled at the thought of my dad dating again; especially since he was so irritable all the time. I couldn’t put my finger on his mood swings; they would better fit a 14 year old girl. A girlfriend could soften him up a bit. My dad had wanted me and Oliver to spend more time together. It was probably because he didn’t want us to fall apart like he and mom had. He didn’t want me to hurt like he had been for so long. I too thought it was a great opportunity for us to get to be together. Why question it? After all, it was worth a try. What was the worst that could happen? Suddenly, a grin replaced the baffled expression on my face. “What is it?”
    “I think this could work!” When I got home that night, I felt the happiness drain from my body. Something was wrong. Something was really wrong. I stood at the door as I fumbled nervously with the key. The door opened without protest. I uneasily paced through the house looking for a sign of life. I gawked as I found my dad staring unseeingly into the t.v. It was obvious; he’d been drinking. “Dad,” I addressed him as I stepped in front of him. It took him a second or two to reply. He stared directly at me with an expression that frightened me. This guy must be losing his mind, I told myself completely mystified by his behavior. He took a deep breath as he stood up.
    “Sheryl.” My dad stepped gradually away from me.
    “Dad, it’s me, Kelly,” I told him. I shook my head in confusion. “Dad what’s going on?! I’m not mom, I’m Kelly!” I pronounced my name slowly to help it sink into his head. I walked cautiously closer to him.
    “Stay away from me, Sheryl! I mean it!” He backed away from me again. This time as if I was a wild animal. He held his hand up to stop me from speaking. “Why did you leave us?! Why did you have to go? You have no right to be in this house! GO AWAY!” My dad began to raise his voice in anger.
    “Dad, stop it! It’s me, Kelly!” I knew I had made a mistake by saying anything. I could see from across the room that the irritation was growing more and more inside of him. He stood up and grabbed me firmly at the arms. He held me so tightly that I thought he was going to break the bones in each limb.
    “Sheryl! Don’t give me that! You need to leave before Kelly comes home! Please LEAVE!” His words were like a knife in my heart. He was trying to protect me. Tears filled my eyes as he held me tighter every minute. “Stop it! Think of all the times you made Kelly cry! Think of how Bradley doesn’t have a mother anymore! And me who doesn’t have his wife!” He shouted. I watched in terror as his hand came up and slapped me across the face with such force sending me to the ground. I stared up in shock as he stormed from the room. I could barely breathe as my head throbbed from the blow. I reached for my cell phone from inside my pocket. I dialed the first number that came into my head.
    “Oliver!” I screamed in-between my sobs, “I need you! Come and get me, p-p-please!” I stuttered as I spoke through my streaming tears.
    “Oh, honey! I’ll be there as soon as I can!” He hung up the phone. I felt the wound on my cheekbone. There was a warm streak of blood coming down the side of my face. I took my time as I got up. I made it out the door as the bright lights of Oliver’s car pointed at me. He abruptly stopped in his tracks as he saw me. He opened the door of his truck and dashed my way. He picked me up in his arms and took me back to his car.
    “Kelly, I’m here. You’re fine, you’re fine.” He advised me as he sat me gently into the passenger’s seat. I curled up in my seat as we raced down the highway. “Stay awake.” Oliver petted my hair. I woke the next morning from a disturbing nightmare that had taken place. I recognized where I was the moment I opened my eyes. My head still pulsed furiously as I lay on Oliver’s couch. I felt the gauze on my cheek. Oliver must’ve taken care of me. His face appeared as I looked up at the ceiling. “You’re awake.” The look of concern was the only expression on his face. He carefully handed me a tall glass of orange juice.
    “Hey, Olly.” I smiled using my favorite nickname for him. Smiling made me remember the cut on my cheek. I winced. The shock of the pain sent all the memory back to what had happened last night. The smile on my face turned to a grimace. “It was my dad,” I began, knowing Oliver would know exactly what I was talking about. “I could tell he had been drinking, so he thought I was my mother.” I described to him everything that had taken place that night.
    “Oh Kelly!” He held me close, being careful not to put any pressure on the purple bruises on my arms. I wasn’t sure whether I should go back and face my father and tell him what happened, or if I should pretend like nothing had happened. Pretending nothing happened was not an option. I had to tell him. The long drive from Oliver’s house to mine seemed to take an eternity. What was I going to tell my dad? I couldn’t just blurt it to him without making him feel worse than he already had. The thought made my stomach churn. I rolled down my window to get some air.
    “I feel nauseous,” I complained. Oliver nodded solemnly.
    “It’s going to be alright, Kells. I’ll be right there with you the entire time.” This made me happy. Whenever Oliver is around, I knew that it’s going to be alright. When we got to my house, I could see my dad looking through the living room window. Oliver gave me an encouraging nod as I entered my house hesitantly. He had placed his arm around me, but I had barely noticed.
    “Kelly!” My dad shrieked as I entered the room. He held me close in a tight embrace. I winced as he put his hands on my shoulders. Even my shoulders were sore. He looked at me bewildered. “What happened to you?!” He glanced at Oliver as he spoke. He put his fingers carefully on my cheek. I rolled my eyes as I focused on my next words very carefully. I took a deep breath before I said the first thing that came to my mind.
    “Dad, it wasn’t Oliver. He’d never do anything to hurt me.” I heard Oliver flinch behind me.
    “What is it?” He looked into my eyes as if they held the answer. I looked to the floor. I couldn’t make eye contact with him. Why was this so difficult?! Just spit it out you coward! I roared inside my head.
    “Dad, you did this to me.” I turned to look at Oliver. He motioned for me to go on. “I know you were just trying to protect me, but you thought I was mom.” I glimpsed at his face. It was as if time had stopped. The look on my dad’s face hadn’t changed as I spoke. I showed the marks on my arms from his violent grip. His expression changed to a glower. For a minute, the three of us dared not utter a word. I felt as if someone had pressed the pause button on my life. I dug heavily into my head for something to say. Nothing came to mind. Instead, my dad brought his hands to his face. He was thinking hard. He strolled wretchedly out of the room leaving Oliver and me alone in astonishment of what had just happened. It was as if my dad wasn’t there anymore. He was always somewhere else. I decided it wasn’t a good environment for me and Bradley, so I decided to take Oliver up on his offer.
    It took an entire month to move both me and my brother into Oliver’s house. Once everything was unpacked, I felt at home. I still worried about dad, but he would have time to get his life back together. After a long, miserable day, I decided to go to bed earlier than normal. I had barely fallen asleep. As I tossed and turned in bed, a nightmare slowly crept into my head.
    I was walking through my unlit house. Out the window, I could barely see the terrible storm racing by. I noticed my mind beginning to race. My eyes were heavy and stung as I blinked to keep awake. I was panicky as it wasn’t clear to me what I was doing. I felt as if the world would be better without me. It was a horrendous feeling. I grabbed my dad’s gun and held it to my head. I closed my eyes and pulled the trigger. It was the noise that had frightened me so unpleasantly that I couldn’t breathe. I fell to the ground as the pure pain made its way through my body. I thought I was dead. I couldn’t move my body, as I tried with great difficulty to inhale. I could feel the warm stream of blood as it ran down my face. I couldn’t move a muscle of my body as I tried with great difficulty to inhale. I was frozen stiff. I began to fade when I heard my name being called. “Kelly, Kelly.” The words drifted in and out of my head as it called to me. “Kelly, come on.” I recognized that familiar soothing voice.
    “Oliver, help me,” I croaked.
    “You are okay, Hun,” he reassured me as he held me in his arms. Finally, his face appeared in my vision. “Everything’s alright. Nothing is going to hurt you.” At that moment, I believed him. As I opened my eyes, his face vanished. I felt my head to find only the scar on my cheek.
    “Oliver!” I screamed his name as I ran in search of him. “Oliver, are you there?! Oliver, where are you?” I turned on every light in the house to find him running out of his bedroom.
    “Yes, I’m right here. Are you okay?!” He came to me and held me in his arms. The phone rang before I could explain why I had been looking for him. He still held me as he picked up the phone. “Hello?” He listened quietly. He dropped the phone in alarm. He looked terrified. “Kelly, you may want to sit down,” his cautioned as he walked me over to the couch. “Your dad…” he began.
    “My dad, is he okay?!” Tears had already begun streaming down my face. Oliver held me in his arms.
    “Your dad committed suicide.” His words didn’t register in my brain.
    “Huh? What?” Somehow I knew what had happened before he told me. I couldn’t breathe. The dream came back into my head. Even though it had just happened, it felt as if I had that dream weeks ago. Was that my dad who shot himself in the head? The thought made me ill. I fell miserably to the ground. No! This couldn’t be happening to me! This couldn’t be happening to me…I felt numb everywhere. Oliver’s embrace seemed unreal. Everything else seemed just imaginary. At the same time, I was almost happy. It made no sense to me what I was feeling. I hated not being completely sure of myself as I had while I sat there not moving that night. I couldn’t believe my dad did that. It made me sick inside. I would’ve sat there all night not letting myself move a muscle, but my instincts weren’t too sure of that idea. My stomach lurched. It woke me from my trance as I got up and darted to the bathroom. It was ridiculous why I threw up. I was afraid, not sick. I was grieving, not feverish. Still, it was like I could not rid myself of this. Maybe this was what my dad had gone through day after day. He taught me that no matter what curve balls come my way, I still got to tough it out because there are people here who care so deeply for me and if I decided to follow in his footsteps, they would hurt more than I ever would have. Even though my father was a great man, he too has so much to learn. What bewildered me so much was that even he threw it all away. I promised myself that I would’ve never let that happen with me. I learned to love being alive for what it was worth. My father’s death was a sign to me. Not even a sign, but a lesson still needing to be learned.
    I couldn’t see due to the light coming from the window. I knew that was my dad right there who was watching over me. He never took his eyes off me. He watched me grow into the woman I have become today. I will never forgive him for leaving this world, at the same time, I am glad I learned the lesson he was supposed to understand.
    I sat up to find a note on my desk in Oliver’s guest room. It was covered in rose petals. Meet me on the porch...I have a surprise for you. XOXO Love, Olly! . I obeyed the directions on the paper, and found him sitting there with a calm expression on his face. He said nothing as I joined him on the porch swing. I felt like a little girl waiting to open her first birthday present. He gave me a tender kiss. I said nothing, not knowing what he was going to do next. He smiled his crooked smile as he took my hand. He bent down on one knee and held out the miniature black box. Now that wasn’t the end of my life, but the beginning…