eyes opened

• Artist: yuki609
• Description: my first try ever writing a fictional story,its about when a girl first opens her eyes to the real world.
• Date: 01/14/2009
• Tags: eyes eyesopened firstpiece yuki609 sophia

my name is sophia,im about to tell you of when i first saw the world for what it was.I was walking home from my job at well,a strip clubs name which i do not want to reveal,i decided to take a short cut through the park.i bent down to tie my shoes when i noticed a rustling in the bushes nearby.as soon as looked it stopped,then i heard branches cracking in a tree.I pulled out the pocket knife i always hid in my sock,little did i know my life was about to change forever.i felt a pain in my eye i rubbed both an when i opened up my eyes i was surrounded by creatures of which the type ive never seen,each a misty dark creature or a masked man.I waited for one to move,it was about 3 minutes till one said anything,the creature said"you will either come with us peacefully,or we can force you your choice"in a ghostlike voice thats volume changed inbetween each word.I simply responded"what are you"in a shaky voice"and he said"oh this is gonna be fun!".they all rushed at me at the same time i stabbed three masked humans,all that happened is the body collapsed and the creatures took thier place.i stabbed one of the creatures and it just laughed.all of a sudden i was thrown to the ground and my hands were tied together with air behind my back and i was liftrd feet first into the air. i was carried about 15 feet when all of a sudden i was dropped face first into the ground,the creature carrying me was screaming in pain and i noticed portruding out of this creature was two glowing shards that it seamed to be absorbed into.all of a sudden i noticed about 8 people in odd suits holding glowing weapons,they started to fight.40 of the creatures and 8 of the suited humans,i thought the creatures would win,i saw the creatures blood (what appeared to be blood anyway)getting splattered all over the grass.12 were left and were fighting the suited humans when most of them when all of a sudden i saw a dead suited women without her weapon,all of a sudden i felt a extremely sharp pain go through my back,a large glowing sword had been thrust through my back and out of my chest.i started to pass out and as i fell to the ground i saw the 3 remaining suited humans kill off the last creature(the one that stabbed me)I hit the floor and wasnt sure if i had died or passed out from bleeding.

to be continued,if you like it that is

Comments

[yuki609]

and how could i make paragraphs when the story never splits,youre a real genious

[yuki609]

and why would i wanna write like you a frikken f*****t,i read barely any mistakes,so how dare you call my piece a wreck,if i wanted to write perfectly i could.b***h

[yuki609]

are you familiar with something called shut the ******** up?

[Hank Moody]

You need to find a book on grammar and read it, and also find one on creative writing. This is not a story, it's a bit of a mess. Are you familiar with the concept of paragraphs? Learn about them. And about Capital letters and proper punctuation. Then practice what you learn.

[babymoth]

not bad!!
you ought to write more about your relationship though... but still really cool!!

[Ookami Oni no Senshi]

coolio! i like how they used air to tie her arms instead of normal ropes XD

[yuki609]

where it says when most of and then it seems to be missing something,just add in "when most of each side was dead"hope you like my first try at writing