CHAPTER 45 - A FRESH START
How do you handle a situation where you've been left at the edge of a cliff with nobody to hold onto anymore? What do you do when you've lost your remainding support?
"Arisa, Arisa!" the younger kids shouted out to me as I limped silently into the orphanage after the worker helped me in.
The worker brought in my suitcases which I refused to touch or even look at. The entryway was still the same, all of the walls were, the lights, everything. The only thing that changed was that it was a little warmer than I remembered and the little kids grew a little bit. It's amazing how much can change in almost eight months. My heart grew heavier and heavier and I was sure it was going to start oozing out of my feet. I didn't want to come back. I didn't want to live in the hell hole I had been placed in after my parents died.
The little kids surrounded me, hugging me at the waist and continued to call out my name. I didn't smile, I didn't glare, I was only apathetic. I didn't want to show them how truly hurt I was just a minute ago. I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't take their squeals of joy. How could there be any possibility of being happy at this moment?
I shook them off, "Enough! Stop it!" I started limping away while they stared at me.
"Arisa, you're going to need your bags," Ms. Okenawa, the owner of the orphanage, called out to me.
I stopped and gripped the doorway hard, "Throw them out," I hissed.
Everybody stared at me as I waited for the piece of s**t elevator to lower itself. I was too angry and depressed to ask where Chi was. I remembered where my room was, so she'd probably be there already if she still had the same room we shared. After I exited the elevator, limiting the use of my left ankle, I immediately refuged myself in the hallway bathroom and locked the door and turned the vent on. I leaned back against the wall and slid down to the floor, suddenly slipping into shock. My memories of my time with Kai and the others were unvoluntarily playing in my head. I squeezed my head and shook it.
"No, go away!" I shouted at myself, "I said I don't want to remember!"
It was only worsening. I buried my face in my arms after wrapping them around my knees. I finally let the tears pour and the sobs break the silence. I didn't cry as much as I had expected, though. Why wasn't I? Kai just dropped me off at the orphanage, saying we couldn't be together anymore. The engagement, our relationship, everything was over.
"No," I moaned, "No, no, no, no..."
How could have Matsuda approved this? Was it his idea too? Was it a part of everybody's idea? They can't just leave me here. They're like my new family now...they were like my new family. I could imagine Kira wasn't happy much at all. Or maybe he thought it was a good idea in the means to protect me. I don't care if it's safer for me here or not! I'll prove them wrong!
My tears soon turned to tears of anger and I balled my fists. A small ripple of optimism and hope coarsed through me as I remembered one thing Kai told me, Don't think that it's all over; Once I find a way out of the contract then I might come look for you. I was still skeptical about when he said "might" but when I took that word out of the picture, it relieved me.
I still couldn't handle it, though. I dug into one of the pockets in the parka coat I was still wearing and sighed out of relief when I realized I still had my phone. I quickly searched Matsuda's number and held the phone up to my ear, waiting.
I knew he wouldn't answer, but I wanted to call anyways and leave a message, "Hey, Matsuda," I choked on my tears right away after saying his name, "Kai's phone is broken...so I'm calling yours. Kai wouldn't have answered me anyways.
"I don't know if what Kai did was approved by you and everybody else, but I respect that you're worried about my well-being. I'm at the orphanage right now, as Kai demanded. I can't go against him, no matter how much I would ever want to." I took a deep stuttered breath.
"I said some...nasty things to Kai. I told him I hated him and...and how I hate looking into the eyes of my killer every day. Please, please, please tell him I'm sorry. I know he's under a lot of stress from that contract, but I don't know how much. It's something I haven't come to understand.
"I would ask you to have Kai call me, but he probably doesn't want to talk to me. I wouldn't blame him. I'm a horrible girlfriend, in all honesty...Ex girlfriend." I took another uneven breath, "Kai tried to give me the engagement ring, I guess to remember him by, and I refused. I said another nasty thing to him; I told him I didn't want to remember."
I chuckled half-heartedly at myself, "That's stupid of me to say that because that's all I'm going to do is remember. But I'm sure that once I die off in my upcoming old age that Kai will learn to move on and he'll find somebody else. He has nearly six hundred years left, so why spend a fraction of it wasted on me?
"I'll ask one favor of you, and I promise I'll leave you alone...forever if I need to," I took yet another deep breath, confident, "Of course, tell everybody I love them from the bottom of my heart and that includes you Matsuda. You guys were all family to me. And tell Miku I wish her luck when she gives birth and that I hope it's a boy as exuberant as Takeuchi. Tell Kira I'm sorry, too, he'll understand.
"And, one more...," I choked on my tears, "Tell Kai I'm still infallibly in love with him and that it will never change. Whether he would ever end up killing me or not, I just know I'll die with him in my head and my heart. He'd stolen my heart and he still has it; tell him to take care of it for me. And every time you see Takeuchi, please tell him I wish him the best of luck with pulling out of the state he's in."
I cried for a second, "Kai, if you listen to this, believe all that I'm saying. I still love you so much and I didn't mean to say those things to you. The farther away you move, the more and more I'm ripped open but don't let that weigh you down...if you care anymore." I sniffed and I knew I only had several more seconds to record my message, "I love you, Kai! I love you!" and I hung up immediately.
I took another minute or two to wipe off my tears and adjust my face in the mirror. I stared at the giant and commodious parka that was still draped over my shoulders. I grasped in and inhaled the scent deeply, remembering Kai even more. I shook my head right away and slipped off the coat. I limped out of the bathroom and as I shut the door behind me and turned around, a very familiar person was standing in front of me. Chi.
Chi's eyes widened and she examined me from head to toe, thinking she was going crazy, "Arisa?"
I didn't smile at her, I was just as shocked. Chi instantly dove at me and embraced me in a death-tight hug, "Arisa!!"
I didn't hold her back, I was still wondering if it was really her or not. She held me tighter for a little while longer and she finally let go and stared at me with concern.
"Arisa, are you okay?! How did you escape?!"
I stared back at her, almost dazed, "What?"
"That man that kidnapped you! You've been gone for almost eight months!" tears were brimming her eyes, "Did he do anything to you?"
Yes. He dumped me off at the orphanage and ripped my heart, "No,"
"We need to file a report! He can't get away with what he did!" her tears were streaming down her face.
"I'm fine. He didn't do anything." I mumbled.
I tried to walk past Chi but was stopped short by a wave of pungent pain from my ankle. Chi supported my weight and just as I thought, we went into the room we used to share. Chi helped me sit down on the bed that used to be mine and I lay myself down on it, half-burying my face in the pillow. Chi sat on her bed and curled up in a ball and watched me.
"Arisa, tell me what he did to you," she choked on her words, "What did he do?"
I shook my head, "He didn't do anything. He was..."
Chi sighed as I yawned and my eyes were wanting to shut on me. Chi removed herself from her bed to pull the covers over me. She bent over and hugged me tightly again.
"I still can't belive you're here," she cried, "You're actually back."
I didn't want to come back. Of course I wanted to see her, but I didn't want to live in an orphanage again. I had a new family and I was even engaged and it was all thrown away in one short night. I knew for sure I'd be in depression for a few days, but I would try to pull myself through it so I can prove to everybody else that I can be strong. Kai was indirectly calling me weak, fragile. If I was so weak, why would he want to propose to me to begin with?
I shut my eyes, confused as to why I'm both in love with Kai and at the same time infallibly angry with him. It actually scared me that I was still mad at him. I was never able to stay mad at him for long and I was never this angry. I didn't hate him, no, not ever. But I still felt a huge pull towards him, I still loved him. The only thing I was wondering now is if he still loved me...after I told him I hated him. I don't know why I said that. I had no control over what was coming out of my mouth. My mind said one thing and my heart said another.
"Chi?" I asked her in a mumble.
Chi looked down at me and leaned in close so she could hear me, "Yeah?"
I sighed, "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you anything that happened. They--he--didn't do anything bad to me." if I told Chi there was more than one person, she'd go postal.
Chi was silent for a long moment and we both avoided eye contact. She finally spoke up, "Okay. I won't ask you anymore. But if you ever want to tell me, then go ahead 'cause I'm here."
I was upset that I couldn't tell Chi anything, but I really needed somebody to talk to. I couldn't tell her that the guy that kidnapped me was a Vampire and my fiancée. I couldn't tell her that I was living in a house with two Angels, a Werewolf, a half Vampire and a Vampire. I couldn't tell anybody anything. I felt trapped and lost and closed in. I had never felt so much weight on my shoulders in my life.
I subtly buried my face in my pillow and cried silently. Chi rubbed my shoulder and hugged me again and kept whispering that everything was going to be all right. She couldn't get the thought out of her head that I was in huge danger and that Kai did horrible things to me. Of course, what he did would be considered horrible to other people--the fact that he always had to bite me deeply to drink my blood. But it was something I learned to enjoy, as a matter of fact. That thought only made a couple of tears stray away.
"You'll be safer here where there's more people," Chi whispered.
I froze instantly. Of course there are. You'll be safer here where there's more people, that's exactly what Kai said. Why is it so typical in those shitty Hollywood romances that everything reminds the heroine of her lost prince? It all hits her so suddenly and she can't help but crack under the pressure. I didn't. But I was close, too close. I still held on to what Kai had said, I might come look for you. There was one word that was closest to making me break down; might. I hated probable chances. I always wanted a straight out "yes" or "no".
"Chi?" I asked faintly again.
She turned her attention towards me while still holding me, "Yes?"
"These next few days...might be a wild emotional roller coaster for me...could you do a favor and please try to bear it for me?" I whispered.
She nodded right away, "Of course,"
I felt as though my heart was what Kai killed first. His face was etched into my mind and would appear crystal clear every time I would close my eyes now. His words kept repeating over and over again in my head. Everything now was a repitition. I even noticed that this was almost how I acted when I first came to the orphanage after my parents died.
Everything, everything. I've lost everything...except for my last shred of sanity.
- Title: BLooDY SILHOUEttE Chap. 45
- Artist: Mon Amour Antoinette
- Description: Chapter 45!! I was really overtaken by your reactions to Chapter 44. I didn't think everybody would freak out!!! Well, I expected you to kind of freak out, but not how you did, though!! I thought some of you were going to hunt me down and cut my throat open >.< lol, me and my crazy imagination XD Anyways, enjoy this one!!
- Date: 02/04/2009
- Tags: bloody silhouette