• Helmet Heartbreaker



    Standing in the middle of the crowded room, I scanned the room, looking for my boyfriend Jake. He had gone to the kitchen for some ice water, because we both knew better than to drink the “alcohol-free” party punch. I tapped the shoulder of some huge football player next to me and yell/asked where the kitchen was. He waved a beefy hand in the direction over my shoulder and then went back to attempting to seduce some giggly blonde cheerleader. I had a feeling she wouldn’t be too much longer; I had seen her sipping the punch all night. I pushed my way through the gyrating bodies and finally arrived at the kitchen doorway. I found Jake leaning against the fridge, his arms crossed and his cute, boyish face thoughtful. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him, like always. Two ice waters were on the granite counter top next to him, but he was deeply engaged in a conversation with one of his teammates, who I recognized as Tommy Kibbutz, class clown and Grade-A goofball.

    “Dude, that Greenvalley guy totally jacked up Jack Warsaw.” Tommy said, pretending to sock himself in the face and then fake-grimace.

    Jake rolled his eyes at his friend and said seriously, “Yeah, coach said he has to get eight stitches on his forehead.”

    “Man, sucks for him,” Tommy replied, then snickered, “I know my girlfriend would kill me if I ever busted up my perfect face like that.” He framed his face with his hands and made kissy faces at Jake, then cracked up.

    “Speaking of girlfriends, Tommy, I would appreciate it if you could refrain from flirting with my boyfriend.” I said, grinning as I crossed the kitchen to stand by Jake.

    The second Jake looked at me, his playful grin molded into a sheepish smile. “Kim! Ah, I’m sorry about leaving you out there. I did get the water, I just...” His apologetic face was so irresistible; I couldn’t even pretend to be annoyed.

    “Oh, it’s fine. You’re just lucky I came to find you and didn’t die of thirst.” I remarked, smiling. He grinned and pretended to wipe his forehead, even though he knew I was totally not the type to get upset over something so trivial.

    “I would’ve come straight out with the water, but somebody here has a huge mouth and wouldn’t let me leave.” Jake motioned to Tommy and then kissed my cheek. He handed me an ice water and then clinked his glass to mine, wrapping an arm around my waist.

    “Oh, I’m the one with the big mouth?” Tommy exclaimed with mock indignation.

    “He was talking to the refrigerator when I came in.” Jake said matter-of-factly.

    “Oh yeah? Well I’m not the one who just ate forty chicken wings. That’s what I call a big mouth!” Tommy said defiantly.

    “He’s lying.” Jake whispered in my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.

    “Hey, I heard that! Kim, don’t listen to him. He was chowing down like the apocalypse of chicken wings was coming. And, Jake, I’m ashamed of you! You really shouldn’t lie to your girlfriend like that.” Tommy wagged a reprimanding finger at Jake and took a huge slurp of his soda.

    “You believe me, don’t you Kimberley?” Jake asked playfully, his chocolate brown puppy dog eyes staring into mine.

    I smiled and replied, “Well, there’s only one way to see if you’re telling the truth… Do you have chicken wing breath?”

    He pursed his lips thoughtfully and fiddled with his pocket. He cupped a hand over his mouth and nonchalantly popped a mint on the way. He playfully frowned as he did a breath-check. “I don’t know, Kim. How bout you tell me?”

    Tommy snickered, but his eyes widened as I set my glass down.

    “Dude- Kim, we’re talking forty chicken wings here. Are you seriously gonna kiss him? Buffalo breath?!”

    I nodded and Jake grinned at me. He brought my chin up with a finger and gently pressed his lips to mine. I closed my eyes and responded automatically, our lips parting. He pulled me closer and I forgot about everyone and everything around us. The only flavor to his perfect kiss was Curiously Strong mint, an addiction Jake had had since fourth grade.

    We broke apart and found Tommy staring at us open mouthed. “Dude… Jake. You are like… magic. If I even thought about eating a chicken wing, my girlfriend wouldn’t kiss me. You eat half the party supply and your girlfriend’s all over you. What are you, Casanova?”

    “Nope, just Curiously minty.” I replied, stealing the Altoids from Jake’s jacket pocket and shaking them playfully at Tommy.

    “Aww, come on, man, that’s cheating!” Tommy cried.

    Jake grinned and blew a minty kiss across the room to Tommy. I laughed as he put the metal tin back in his pocket. Tommy was just about to reply when we heard a loud crash from the next room. There was a shocked silence and a few gasps, and then everyone started laughing.

    “You broke the table! Ha, ha!”

    “Heh, heh, dude… You broke it.”

    “Dudes! I jumped on the table and it BROKE! Hahaha!”

    “Man, thanks a lot! Get your drunk butt outta my house! The ‘rents are gonna kill me! All right, everybody out! Party’s over.”

    “Aww, man, it was just getting started.”

    “Yeah, he didn’t mean to break the table.” someone whined.

    “Get OUT!” the host roared.

    There was a general grumbling from the crowd, but people started shuffling off. Somebody finally turned off the ghetto dance party music, so I no longer had to worry about my eardrums staying intact. There was still a slight ringing in my ears as Jake slipped his fingers through mine and led me out the door. At the edge of the driveway, I said goodnight to Jake and kissed him goodbye. A chilly autumn wind ruffled my hair and gave me goosebumps as I started to turn home. I crossed my arms to ward off the chill and started walking, but Jake caught the crook of my arm and beckoned me back. He took off his letterman jacket and held it out for me, the perfect gentleman. I gratefully slipped into the too-large sleeves and sniffed the collar, inhaling his delicious cologne. The sleeves were much too long on me; I had to roll them up three times. When I finally managed to get the jacket on properly I looked up at Jake and saw that he was frowning.

    “What is it, Jake?”

    “Kim, it’s almost two in the morning. I don’t want you walking home by yourself.”

    “Jake, it’s not even a mile away. I’ll be fine.”

    He shook his head and held my hand tightly. “No, I want to make sure you get home safe. I could never let anything happen to you.”

    I bit my lip and tried to hold back a shy, happy smile. He could be so old fashioned sometimes, and he always made me feel like some sort of princess. “Okay, fine. You can take me home.”

    Jake exhaled in relief and led me over to his shiny black Harley.

    “Your chariot, my lady.” he said charmingly, and held my hand as I climbed on. He opened the small compartment at the back of the bike and rummaged around in it for a few seconds, but then stopped and clicked his tongue.

    “Crap...”

    “What’s wrong?” I asked, turning to look at him.

    “I left my spare helmet on the kitchen table in my house. I only have one helmet with me.” He sighed, “Here, let me help you off the bike. I’ll walk you home and then… come back here and drive back to my house.”

    He held out a hand to help me off, but I stayed firmly planted on the bike and shook my head.

    “Jake. That would just be a waste of time and energy. It’s only a few neighborhoods down; I’ll be fine. I’ll just hold on to you extra tight. I’m sure you won’t mind.”

    A smile teased his lips, but it was replaced with a worried frown.

    “Kim, I just want you to be safe.”

    “And I love that about you. You’re such a sweetie, But I’ve ridden with you tons of times before. I know you’re a safe driver. Don’t worry about it. We’ll be fine.”

    He sighed, finally giving in. “All right, but you’d better hang on extra, extra tight, okay?”

    He kissed my cheek, pulled the helmet over his head, and climbed on the bike. I clasped my hands around his waist tightly as he stuck the key in the ignition. He turned it and the bike roared to life, headlights flashing on the dark neighborhood. He pulled out of the driveway and turned out of the neighborhood.

    We had barely gone a hundred feet out of the neighborhood when I felt his back tense.

    “Jake? Are you okay?”

    “Um… Yeah. Everything’s fine. But, um… here. Put my helmet on.”

    He kept one hand on the bike and used the other to pull the helmet off. He held it out to me behind his back, but I refused it.

    “Jake, I told you, I’m fine-”

    “Kim! Take the helmet and put it on!” The sudden vehemence in his voice shocked me; he had never raised his voice at me before. A few seconds after his outburst, he said, quietly, with a serious edge I had never heard before, “Kimberley, put the helmet on now… Please.”

    The tone of his voice made my hands automatically reached out for the helmet.

    “I-… Okay, Jake.” I pulled the helmet over my head and fastened it quickly, trying to appease his sudden mood change. We were almost to my house then; one small intersection was all we had to cross.

    We hadn’t gone for more than a few feet when his mood changed again. He shouted into the roaring wind, “Kimberley, you’re incredible. I love you. You need to know that!"

    I was open mouthed with shock for a second or so; we had never had this conversation before, although we had come close. After the initial shock wore off, my response was automatic.

    “Jake, I love you too, but… why now?”

    Through the roaring wind, I could barely hear him say his last words.

    “Before it’s too late… I love you, Kim.”

    I looked up to see a sudden white flash and I heard a loud squealing sound and a car horn. I felt myself fly off of the bike and I could sense Jake landing somewhere near me. I heard a crunch of gravel and a few unfamiliar shocked voices and then… the blackness took over.

    ...


    I woke up to a steady beeping and a throbbing pain in my forehead. I could hear muffled voices near me and I started to get a bit curious. I opened my eyes, and immediately closed them again, bright white lights stinging my eyes. I attempted to cover my eyes with my hand, but something was keeping it from moving. Something that was warm and stroking my hand.

    My eyes flashed open. “Jake?” I croaked, my voice sounding like I had swallowed gravel. Gravel… Why did that seem so important to me?

    My eyes finally focused and I found that it wasn’t Jake holding my hand. My mom was sitting in a chair next to the metal bed, her blue eyes flooding with fresh tears.

    “Oh, sweetie, no. It’s me, Mom. I-… Larry! She’s awake! Oh, Kimmy. We’ve been so worried. I’m so glad you’re finally awake. The doctor… The doctor said…” She broke off, and I noticed her face was tearstained. I wondered why my mother had been crying.

    My dad entered the hospital room, and to my surprise, his eyes were damp too. He just looked at me for a moment and then crossed the room. He put an arm around my mother and patted my hand.

    He just stared at me for a moment, and then cleared his throat.

    “Glad to see you’re uh, all right, Kimmy.” he said softly. He cleared his throat again and walked out into the hallway. I vaguely heard him call for a doctor.

    By then, I had realized that I was in a hospital and something was wrong with me, but I didn’t know what or why. The bright fluorescent lights were giving me a migraine; doing nothing to help my confusion. I looked down at my arm and saw a needle jabbed in my wrist, linked to the IV next to my bed. I realized the beeping was coming from the heart machine and with every ping!, my thoughts became hazier. I blinked, my eyelids heavy, my vision blurring. Everything was fuzzy… and then it all went black again.

    ...

    I woke up hours later and found my parents asleep in the blue plastic chairs next to the window. The blinds were pulled shut, but I could tell it was night time. My mind was a bit clearer now, and unfortunately, the throbbing in my head had also sharpened. I grimaced against the pain, foolishly making it worse. My mom suddenly awoke with a jolt and looked around the room. Her eyes settled on me and she jumped out of the plastic chair, shaking my dad awake. She rushed over to my side as he groggily shook himself awake.

    “Kimmy, sweetheart! How long have you been awake?”

    I sank back into the pillows and looked up at her. I licked my parched lips and croaked, “About twenty seconds. And no, I’m not okay. I feel like… like I’ve been hit by a truck. Mom… What happened to me?”

    Silent tears rolled down her face. “You don’t… remember anything, do you, Kimmy?”
    “No, Mom… I-…” My brow furrowed, desperately trying to remember some detail of why I was here. I flinched, making a mental note to not do that again.

    My parents looked up at each other with some kind of sympathetic pity on their faces. My mom had just opened her mouth to speak when a doctor entered the room. She was middle aged and wearing a white lab coat.

    “Kimberley Jamison? It’s good to see you’re finally awake. I’m Dr. Garrison.”

    She walked over to my bed and picked up a clipboard and a pen. “All right Kim, it’s not pretty, but it could have been much worse. You had a concussion, some temporary amnesia, and you’re going to look pretty battered for quite a while. There’s not much we can do for the bruises, but you’ll have to keep that cut on your forehead clean for a few weeks. And… Your right knee was broken in a few places, so you’ll be on crutches for about six months.”

    She gingerly checked the bandage on my forehead and said, “You were lucky, Kimberley. Most motorcycle accidents like this don’t have any happy endings.”

    I closed my eyes against the pain. Motorcycle… My eyes flew open and all of the pieces suddenly came rushing at me, faster and faster. Jake’s bike… The helmet… the white flash… I had been in a motorcycle accident… But Jake… Where was he?

    Dr. Garrison flipped a page on the clipboard, scribbled something down, and clicked her tongue. “All right, it’s about time to get some more pain meds. Your last dose was a couple hours ago and I bet it’s long gone by now. I’ll have a nurse come by in a couple minutes.” She smiled somberly at me, nodded to my parents, and walked out of the room.

    Once she had shut the door, I cleared my throat and blinked hard, trying not to focus on the disorienting pain. “Mom?... Where… Where’s Jake?”

    My mom locked eyes with my dad and bit her lip. She came close to me and started stroking my hair gently, like she had when I was little.

    “Honey… He’s um… He’s not here…” She paused and took a deep, shuddering breath. “Kimberley, sweetie, he, uh-…” She exhaled shakily and pressed her lips together, trying to keep herself together. She looked so utterly exhausted and miserable that it was instinct for me to reach out and pat her hand; to attempt to comfort her. I felt a vague panic, a sense of dread, but I tried to suppress them best as I could. Without the painkillers in my system, the pain was too much; every colored edge was razor sharp, every small noise was too loud. I was super alert as I patted my mother’s hand and watched her cry beside me. She was so sad to look at, but she still hadn’t told me why. I wished the nurse would come already, and bring my release, the morphine that would take all of this away; my parent’s crying, this hyper alertness, and the pain that seemed to be coming from everywhere.

    “Mom,” I finally whispered, “What happened?” My free hand curled, unable to quench the pain that seemed to come from everywhere.

    She sniffled again and wiped away her mascara streaked tears. She reached for my father’s hand and squeezed it tight, almost like holding on to something would keep her in control. She drew in a shaky breath and my father put his hand on her back, willing her to stay strong for me. I closed my eyes against the battle war of pain in my head, and when I opened them, I was as ready as I could be for reality.

    “Kimmy, sweetheart… You and Jake were on his motorcycle and… and the brakes failed. He couldn’t stop… when he saw the truck coming.” She pressed her lips together and looked skyward, taking another deep breath. “And he… he didn’t make it, Kimmy. He, uh… He wasn’t wearing a helmet. The doctors said-…” She paused to clear her throat and wipe her eyes again. “They said that he… he died instantly. And… And you would have too, if you hadn’t been wearing that helmet.” She covered her face with her hands, her emotions catching up to her. My father, the quiet observer, had silent tears running down his cheeks. While my mother cried, I turned to him, not fully grasping through the blinding pain. He put his hand over mine and cleared his throat.

    “Kimberley, I’m so sorry. I know… I know he meant a lot to you. I’m sorry sweetheart. We’re just glad you’re all right.”

    “I loved him, Daddy…”

    “I know, sweetheart. But, um… he’s gone now. I’m sorry Kimberley.”

    The pieces clicked in one pain-free moment of clarity. The words ‘He’s gone now.’ rang in my bandaged head. Jake was gone… and it was my fault. He had given me his helmet to save my life, knowing that in the end he would lose his own. Was I really that bad to be with, I wondered illogically. No, no, I argued through the pain, he was a good person, the best person, but just not good enough to stay with me forever. I swallowed convulsively. Why did he have to leave me? I had known him almost all my life, and I knew he was ‘the one’, that special somebody for me. And now, he was gone forever. I cried, weakly at first, and then with more strength, temporarily ignoring the physical pain, only feeling the emotional agony. My parents sat in the chairs and cried with me, but their tears were relieved, relieved that I was alive. My tears were for loss, a loss that was my fault… A loss so deep I knew my life would never be the same, no matter how hard I tried.

    My tears finally subsided, and I could feel the physical pain again like a slap in the face. It was too much; I wanted to succumb to the tempting beckoning fingers of the blackness again. I wanted to die... The morbid thoughts paraded through my thoughts, and I barely noticed the light knock on the door.

    A tiny little nurse in overly gaudy yellow scrubs entered the room with a big needle. “All right, Kimberley, this’ll make you feel much better!” she said too cheerfully, sticking the needle into one of the tubes. “Now, they’ll take a minute to set it, but they’ll knock you out for a couple hours. You look like you need some rest. Mom and Dad, make sure she gets lots of sleep when she’s back at home. I’ll be back to check on her when she wakes up.” She grinned and scribbled something on the clipboard.

    She left the room and a moment later, I could begin to feel the morphine creeping through me, like Novocain, numbing my entire body.

    “Mom? Daddy? Why Jake? Why… did he have to go…? I wish...” My voice began to slur from the heavy pain meds, but I fought against it. “I wish… I could have gone with him…”

    Through my blurry vision, I saw the shock and the horror on my parent’s faces, and felt bad for making them upset. “…Sorry.” I whispered, my eyes closing involuntarily.

    I heard them say, as if underwater, “We love you, Kimmy.” I opened my mouth to respond, but the numbing black had surrounded me and finally taken me captive. I willingly succumbed, knowing he could live on in my dreams until I woke up and had to face the pain of reality without him...