• She awoke to her alarm blazing that familiar annoying sound into her inner ear. Because of the nature of her dream she woke slowly, trying to spend just a few more seconds in the wonderland her mind had created for the night. After a few brief moments she opened her tired eyes with a sigh to see the same old lavender colored ceiling paint she'd always had. At that very moment she wished to be back asleep, back in that world that was different each night, where her choices never mattered and she had no regrets. She considered getting up and getting ready for the days activities but thought better of it and stayed in bed. As she lay there, she let her eyes drift back closed so as to view her dream once more. The second her eylids drifted over her eyes her mind started to work vigorisly to repeat itself. Through her closed eyes she saw many things swirling around, each scene different and never staying too long before being swept up and changed. Colors swam by on their way to places, as if they were late to some important engagement. after a while, the scenes seemed to repeat the same things over and over, painful memories and hopes she had for the future. Happiness, sadness and anger at herself and others. All these things mixed together into a swirl of colors until there was barely a distinction between one piece and the next. As her breathing and heartrate slowed she smiled a bit, not even thinking of the fact that minutes were passing by and being wasted on just a few simple moments of a dream.Try as she might, she could not seem to get the same situation as she had seen before, as the memory of her beloved dream she had wanted to see again so badly had deminished. So she shook her head and felt her momentary happiness melt away into the darkness, along with the mixed group of colors and scenes her mind had created. To keep from drifing off again she sat up and opened her eyes wide, facing the real world in all of its horrid and depressing glory. Now with a sad feeling settling deep into her chest where it would remain, she sighed and braced herself to face the day.
    Rising from her warm bed she shivered slightly as the colder air in her room touched her skin. Small tears welled up in her eyes as she yawned heavily and began to shuffle towards the door to her bathroom. One of her hands came up to brush over her short black and blonde hair briefly while her head came down to sniff at her nightshirt, it needed a wash. Remembering she was most likely alone in the house at this time of day she pulled it off in one silent movement and threw it over a chair on her way by. Reaching the bathroom she shut the door behind her and turned the shower on, keeping her eyes up while she got undressed. Stepping into the shower she closed the curtain behind her, accidently letting her eyes wander over to the slight red stains on the opposite side of the tub. With tears beggining to form in her eyes she tore herself away from the sight and continued her shower, sitting down on the closed toilet afterwards to cry. The sounds of her soft sobs filled the air along with the dripping water. She stayed there for some time, until she found she couldn't shed another tear. She grabbed a towel as she slowly rose and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her and walking back to her bed. Colapsing back onto her bed, she curled up slighty into a ball, trying to keep back the memories that were flooding into her mind of that day that she hated to remember, but found herself thinking of more and more recently. The feel of the knife, the taste of her tears, the smell of blood... even after more than a year every aspect of that fateful day was as fresh in her mind as it was when she awoke in the hospital that night. When the nurses asked what had happened she pretended not to know, and even now, she still denied that she remembered anything. This was her memory, and she would own it every day, plagued by the misery of it in solitude and silence, but by choice.
    She was good at it too, as far as she could tell, no one knew the truth save those she had told herself in one of her weaker moments alone, when the memory of it consumed her mind so much that she could no longer hold back the tears as she forced herself to do each day to make it through. At times like those she wished to be at home, in bed by herself, so she could cry it out as she always did, but when she had the misfortune of being in a position where isolaton was not a viable option, she was usualy forced to give at least a brief explanation for her seemingly random breakdown. Their reaction was always to some extent the same as all the others: a hug, some sort of empathetic noise, and a talk about what they could do to help. She braved through the last part of it, her momentary feeling of companionship brought on by said person's good will and kind words was destroyed, in her mind, because she knew that they did not feel the way she had hoped, and they were just like the ones before. Comparatively, these bursts of outward sadness were few and far between considering the daily pain she felt inside. Some days it surprised her how well she kept it together, while others, she became somewhat ashamed of her lack of ability to hide her thoughts and feelings from others who did not need to know, not that any of them wanted to. Every once in a while it occured to her that she could make some of the feelings go away through the use of medication, but she chose to work through it on her own. She wished to keep her thoughts of that night, as a warning to herself of what she was capable of when she felt that need for relief arise again.
    When her mind was finished with it merry-go-round of thoughts and images brough on by the bathroom she arose once more and carried on with her daily morning activites. After packing her bag with done homework, books, and a small snack for lunch, she took a quick look at the clock, and realized this morning's routine had taken longer than expected and she was going to have to rush through the latter part of her morning to make it to school on time. She thought herself lucky to be a good multitasker as she pulled on shoes and pants while brushing her teeth, and before she ran out the door of her otherwise empty apartment, she took a moment to make her bed, unusual for her, but she felt she needed a bit more normalcy for today. Grabbing a quick breakfast from the overabundance of food on her counters from yesterday's grocery shopping, she ran out the door, saying a silent goodbye to no one in particular as she left.