Unknown

• Artist: matthias_uber
• Description: this is my first poem that ive ever made out of school. plese tell me whats wrong and good with it. rate and comment please :D
• Date: 12/15/2008
• Tags: unknown

my memories of her will surely not fade
you calm down and to your dismay

she at last has fallen dead
i now ask, "are you straight in the head?"

you have hit my mom for the very last time
for her now heavens bells will chime

for you however there will be no bells
for you my dad are going straight to hell

you should have been taken down to jail
but you paid the judge and he didn't believe my tale

away from you now i must flee
leaving this last and final plee

if you get another wife
do not make her feel your strife

i am leaving you know at the midnight bell
when you read this i'll be gone watching you on earth and in hell

Comments

[Gravetye]

The rhyme seems a little forced, like you only used certain words because they happened to rhyme with something else. Also, you might want to check your meter. Poems flow better when you write with a regular meter. But this is okay, I suppose.


Rate and comment back?

[konochi_of_death]

With practice you'll be real good. In my opinion a lot of people should read this, because, I think it explains what a lot of people go through. I like the way you portrayed a deep emotion in such few words. But enough of my rant, IT WAS SO AWESOME!!! I'll read more of your work.

[matthias_uber]

sweet biggrin

[redwhispers]

It was amazing. Thats coming from someone that cant rhyme. biggrin I love the emotion and a line you said reminded me of a friends writing. I dont really see much of a problem though. More practice and you'll beat this one. I would read more of your work.

[matthias_uber]

sweet someone lliked my poem you just made my day biggrin and thank you

[Carlylynn92]

its good, but not great i see there's alot of emotion in it and the rhyming was good (my toughtest problem) but... not too sure how to explain it but it is good =] hope the feed-back helped

[matthias_uber]

can people please give me feedback please.