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My life is great my life is fine i hope our paths intertwine
And when they do you will be mine
My sweet rose red wine
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Black is the day and black is the night
I only come out when i want to fight.
I shout and i scream
All through my dream.
I stand at my window waiting for you
But all the time feeling blue.
This is what i came to be
This is what you made of me.
I stand alone above my bed
I take one step and rest my head
The last i hear is one last scream
Until i drift off into my final dream.
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I step i walk i hear people talk
They laugh they joke
They bathe they smoke
They sing they swing
They speak they squek
They lie they cry
They die.
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Through life theres death
Through death theres tears
Through tears theres beers
Through beers theres fears
Through fears theres crying
Through crying theres dying
But through dying theres nothing.
Comments (4 Comments)
- ShiroKamiKage - 04/20/2009
- tears and crying go into the same category.... 5/5!!!
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- rocko11091 - 03/22/2009
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Poem 4: Basically same critique as the one before...but i like the flow of it....needs to be puncuated better though...
Concept: 4/5
Stlye: 3/5
Flow: 3/5
Fig. Lang.: 2/5
Overall: 3/5
Avg Rating of all Poems: 3.25/5 (3) ...
could do better...use my suggestions and they'll flow and sound better... - Report As Spam
- rocko11091 - 03/22/2009
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Poem 2: substantially better flow and style...nice use of color...the metaphorical sense of the poem adds intrigue...would suggest taking out "off" in final line
Concept: 4/5
Stlye: 4/5
Flow: 4/5
Fig. Lang.: 4/5
Overall: 4/5
Poem 3: Nice idea, try using comma's to indicate pauses, it'll help the flow...try using a bit more Figurative Language/Imagery (fig. lang)
Concept: 4/5
Stlye: 3/5
Flow: 3/5
Fig. Lang.: 2/5
Overall: 3/5 - Report As Spam
- rocko11091 - 03/22/2009
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Im not sure whether to rate each individually or all together...so to be on the safe side ill comment and rate them individually and then avg the ratings for what i actually rate....
Poem 1: style should be changed slightly for best flow...
Concept: 4/5
Stlye: 3/5
Flow: 2/5
Fig. Lang.: 3/5
Overall: 3/5 - Report As Spam