• so. we all sat in a circle. you were there, of course. despite all the 'men's presence. you sat across from me in the semi-circle. i remember the light dancing in your eyes. we all looked the same.
    black hair.
    blue eyes.
    white jumpsuits in a white room. no contrast.
    i remember you so vividly. but it's getting harder to draw up your features.
    you were like us, but you didn't seem as.. us.
    your hair was blonde. maybe brunette. i can't recall. it's so hard from here.
    but you were supreme. of all the things i had seen, you were perfect.
    your hair fell in platefuls of ringlets, and it was supreme. glorious.
    i can't remember the color of your eyes. but they were piercing and so strong.
    i loved them the most. they were alive. the most rapturing things i had ever seen.
    such beautiful little coagulated clumps of color.
    never had i been so driven.
    i needed you to love me, or to at least know how much i wanted you.
    more than anything else. i wondered if the others around me, knew how strongly i felt.
    we were essentially all the same, but i don't think they knew.
    i was pushed to reach out. but my fingers are dead and grotesque. i'd rather you didn't touch them now.
    i was too weak to grab when i could've.
    so they were passing around a guitar. to find the most supreme.
    you could pick amongst us.
    there was a bodyguard behind you, black hair. blue eyes. rippled muscle.
    the first played; typical chord progression. nothing impressive, but not bad.
    the second played the same. the third was a little off. the fourth was the same.
    i was fifth. they handed it to me, and my hands shook.
    but i played it differently. my fingers moved up and down the neck.
    in the way i wished to caress yours.
    i wanted to embrace you, nothing more. just hold you to my chest.
    i played the notes, overlaid with my heart. i spilled my blood for this song.
    the second picked up another guitar. he played the chords. the first played it a little later.
    the intertwining notes made my head spin. it was astronomically good.
    you smiled at me, and i didn't wink; i fought it.

    the body guard grabbed me by my hair, and dragged me over to one of the corners. i tried not to grin at you.
    but i did. and it was worth it.
    he picked me up, and broke my neck, tossing me to the floor.
    i had changed the rituals, i wasn't approriate for you.
    no matter how far i tried to stretch, you would pick one of the 'normal' ones.
    one more like you. and i couldn't fight it.
    so i cried a little, in my corner, my body heaving in pain. a little blood gargled in my mouth.
    it was like i imagined, filled with bitterness, and it started to boil after a while.
    the others like you, who weren't you, approved of your choice. and i couldn't blame you.
    to them, i was eccentric, i was odd, maybe a little genius but i wasn't suitable.
    so with my weakness in my chest, i inhaled, and remember a little happiness was in the air.
    now instead of holding your hand, i can't move mine.
    instead of embracing your head, i can't move mine.
    crippled and contorted by non-conforming constraints.
    i couldn't control my concious efforts to reach.
    now i have to die with my choices.