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 Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 7:00 am
Dearest Will,
Is it not enough that you know not my name?
That me you’d follow a thousand miles
I swear by this accursed ability of mine
Yet you relish in it and reel me in with absent guile
You swear to never leave me
And I’ll admit that I’m afraid to believe it
Why me did you choose to follow?
You’ll come every night and with me you sit
By the window drinking the tea I leave
How is it that I can say quite confidently who you are?
Say I that your name is William
That you’re thirteen and away you died far
With the Union you drummed unaware
And when I converse with the stuffed shirts
Why then do you not vie for my attention?
Such properness will earn you hurt
You used to preserve my childhood, protecting the innocence
Is it that I am dead to you for you do not wish to see the child go?
Play I like a fool, I can, if it’d please you
But this wayward Victorian will speak not, and refuses to show
And perhaps I have found myself in her and through
The glass, a light breaks and I’ll see through a wall you drift
Rather than the vice versa, I’m leaving you
Will you come to visit me in a land of age old profit?
As I pack, will you play one last song for me?
And though I can no longer see you
I’ll wake in the morning to find the tea I’d left
Gone and the blinds open, and learn that I’ve missed you
Yet again
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Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 1:25 am
I really like the overall tone of your piece! I love poetry that has somewhat archaic sounding language. The thought of words and languages dying kills me, and so every attempt to keep them alive makes me happy.
My only suggestion would be to perhaps balance your use of archaic and colloquial English. The word order in several lines comes across as confusing more than rustic, so I would maybe try and aim for a poem that sounds natural when spoken. Hard to do when you're adhering to a style that isn't really common, but I find that it helps. Also, the few more modern sounding lines are a bit jarring. Was this intentional? Maybe you could aim for keeping a continuous flow.
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