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So here is my entry for the contest. I've finally finished it. I was really busy with school (sorry I haven't posted much in the guild lately sweatdrop ), So I didn't start it until just recently. I hope it's not too long, I tried to keep it very short and simple. If you don't find this fic funny, but just lame, please don't hate me and just forget about it. ^^; Here is my poor attempt at humor. I hope you all enjoy it.
Blood + Randomness (WARNING! THIS SHORT CONTAINS INSANITY, THUS CHARACTERS TEND TO BE OUT OF CHARACTER! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)
By YamiCheza
How 2 txt the 4 letter word
Saya was at the Red Shield hideout (Vietnam, Paris, New York - I don’t know which one. They went through a lot of hideouts) hanging with Hagi which consisted of lots of long silent, boring moments. Then all the sudden, the Phantom (a.k.a. Carl, but Saya hasn’t figured that out yet…or maybe she has, but just likes to call him “Phantom” still because it sounds cooler) swoops in through the window sending shards of glass everywhere.
“Saya, my love,” He declared dramatically with his hand to his chest which had several pieces of broken glass sticking in it, staining the carpet with blood. “I will kill you!!”
“Phantom!” Saya said as always. She glared at him annoyed. She drew her sword and said, “Stop stalking me, already! And if you love me, why do you want to kill me? It doesn’t make sense!”
“Why, it makes perfect sense, my dear Saya!” He said in his dramatic, almost sing-song like manner.
“How?”
“Uhhh… because I love you!”
“We’ve been through that. Why do you want to kill me if you love me?”
“…Uhhh…”
“On second thought, don’t bother answering that. Hagi, sic him.” Hagi who had been standing beside her loyally nodded and then attacked the Phantom of the Opera wannabe. Just after the two started fighting, Solomon came crashing through the other window. “Saya, I love you!”
Saya furrowed her eyebrows confused. “But you work for Diva! Why do you guys love me?! Shouldn’t you love Diva?! And why do you have to break the windows to tell me? You two have ruined the carpet!”
Solomon and Carl froze as they looked down at the blood splattered carpet. During this time, Hagi took the opportunity to slam Carl into the wall making him scream like a sissy girl.
“So if I told you a different way, you’d love me?” Solomon said with hopeful puppy-dog eyes.
“What? I didn’t say that!”
“Farewell, Saya! I will send you a check for the carpet, my love!” And then he jumped out the window after flashing her a perfect smile that just happened to catch the light enough to sparkle.
“Wow, he should do a tooth paste commercial!” She thought, momentarily stunned by his suave beauty…until she heard him scream when he fell on a car parked outside the window he jumped through.
Carl, hearing Solomon’s brilliant deduction on making Saya love him, fled through the window he had jumped out of, as well, after throwing a blue rose at her that had nearly hit her in the head because he wasn’t paying attention (he was too busy running from Hagi who was swinging his giant cello case at him.)
Later at Diva’s hideout (which is even vaguer than the Red Shield’s), Solomon and Carl were trying to figure out how to tell Saya they loved her. Solomon didn’t know how much to send Saya for the carpet so he just wrote her a check for a million dollars. He was unrealistically rich so he could throw around a million dollars here and there if he wanted to.
Solomon and Carl were talking to Nathan about how they should go about telling someone they love them without offending them or messing up their carpet.
“Tell them in a love letter!” He said like it was obvious…which it kind of was, but they’re not used to such ways. “Ooo! Send them a text message! That’s real hot right now!”
Carl heaved a sigh of relief at this suggestion because he had crappy handwriting, but then he and Solomon began to worry because neither one had ever sent a text before in their lives. So the two secretly looked up some texting lingo on the web and then sent their suave messages to Saya that they were sure would swoon her very core.
The next day at wherever the Red Shield hideout was, Saya went out to get the mail. In it was the million dollar check.
“Holy crap!!” Saya said as her eyes bugged out of her head. Kai, who wanted to know what the ‘Holy crap’ was over, went outside.
“Saya, that is such a lame cliché. Can’t you think of something more original?” He then saw the check. “Holy crap!!”
She gave him a death glare.
“I can finally buy all the manga I want! And anime DVDs! And make cosplay costumes…” She rambled on dreamily, not hearing Kai carelessly blurt out, “I can finally afford to buy porn…! And lots of it!”
Then Saya’s glittery pink cell phone rang. She checked her phone confused, because even though she had a cell phone, no one ever called her. It was a text message that read:
I LUV U! U R GOING 2 DIE 2DAY!
FROM PHANTOM
“What the (bleep!) is this?” She said bewildered. Then she got another text:
Saya, my love, I want to run away with you and kill that annoying chevalier of yours. Even though he could never compare to my charm and I’m filthy rich and I’m not worried about competition, I want to kill him. Now. Before he sweeps you off your feet. I know you love me too, you just don’t know it.
Ciao,
Solomon
P.S. Did I mention I’m rich?
Saya stared at the message in wonder at how he managed to fit so many characters in a text message. She had never had the need to text before, but she was almost positive there was a limit on that.
All the sudden, Carl swooped down from the sky and landed in front of her. “I see you got my love text of doom, Saya my dear! Now you will die!”
Saya tossed her cell behind her in her haste to draw her sword (which she just so happened to take with her to the mailbox) and hit Kai in the head, knocking him unconscious. “Phantom!” She yelled uselessly, like always.
The two started fighting each other and Carl, or the Phantom, got Saya cornered in the nearby alley. She was in a life or death situation and her chevalier wasn’t there. Why? Because he had broke his cello into a thousand little splinters from all the swinging and smashing he always does. He didn’t know how to fix it so he bought a tube of Super Glue (he got a lot of weird looks in the Dollar General. And some girls followed him all the way to the hideout place in their fan-girl-madness. But it was supposed to be a secret place; a hide –out. So David knocked them out and used some freaky experimental drug from Julia to erase their memories and then he dumped them behind the Dollar General they had wandered from. Anyway, back to Hagi’s Super Glue story….) So while Saya’s fighting for her life, Hagi’s got his hands glued together. In his solitude he shed a tear, something we have never seen him do, not only for his beloved cello that was still broken, but for his hands that were stuck together.
“Saya, your chevalier isn’t here to save you this time! Now die, my love!”
All the sudden Solomon jumps out of nowhere and somehow expertly parries Carl’s attack, saving Saya. “I won’t let you kill Saya!”
“Why? You’re supposed to kill her! Diva said so… or was it Amshell? Anyway, you’re supposed to kill her!”
“I love her!” He said with dramatic defiance.
Carl glared at him. “You can’t have my Saya! She’s mine!”
Solomon let out a refined, supposed to be charming chuckle that oozed confidence. “Oh please, brother. Like Saya would love someone who has such tacky fashion sense. You make Nathan’s cowboy boots and frilly shirt look like the latest designer must-have.”
Carl let out a furious growl and launched himself at Solomon. He hated that frilly shirt Nathan wore. It showed his muscular torso, making Carl feel out of shape. “I’m going to kill you!!”
The two were in a battle to the death in a giant dust cloud. Even though Saya couldn’t see them for all the dust, she just assumed it was a battle to the death because the Phantom had said he was going to kill the rich guy. Saya, seeing that they were obviously preoccupied, ran out of sight back to the hideout, leaving Kai outside. Soon after, Julia went outside to get the mail Saya never brought in and saw Kai lying there with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and a giant knot on his head from Saya’s glittery pink, girly-tastic cell phone. She stealthily looked around to make sure no one was in sight. Solomon and Carl were in the alley so it was safe. A grin spread across her face and her glasses had an impossible, evil glare of light across them. “Another subject to test my experimental drug on! Mua, ha, ha, ha, ha…!”
The End
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