Home. Panu Panu could hardly believe it--not that he had returned, but that it still... felt like home. There had been a time when he was younger that all his problems seemed to end in the same solution: leaving. But leaving, in the end, did nothing. It was the returning that changed it all, and made him see it in a different light.
Already his relationship with his father had drastically improved, and all he'd done was....explain. That was the worst, really. It all came down to facing his problems from before... but for the things that this place offered, it was worth it. Honesty and kindness were worth it.
Panu sighed softly from the end of the Jetty, smiling a little at the play of the ocean and wind about the shore. Home held the most beautiful melody ever written.
Nerida walked along the shore slowly, her eyes concentrated upon the washing water as it curled about her legs. It was soothing to her, and soothing was something she honestly needed. She knew Panu was back, but she had yet to see him, had yet to seek him out or be sought out by him. Perhaps it was for the best, as she had heard the rumors of that paler female he had been seen with. Even if Nili said there was nothing going on there, as he'd met her one morning, it was hard for her to think about. It wasn't fair, it truly wasn't.
She gritted her teeth, pausing where she had been walking and simply flopping down into the surf. The tide crashed around her legs, lapping at her fur, splashing her face with salty kisses. She wanted to sulk, but sulking was never a very proud thing to do.
It was then that she glanced up, saw the male sitting on the jetty, and let her eyes narrow. At first, it was hard to make out who it was against the sky, but the pink and green made it all too obvious. She huffed lightly to herself, narrowing her eyes, half tempted to just run up and push him off. With a sigh, she pushed herself to her feet, caught between stomping up to see him and turning away. He didn't have a right to make her feel so confused. Why did he have to be such a.. pain?
A dark movement at the corner of his vision caught his eye. Panu didn't turn, though. He thought it might be his father, at first, for the male was dark... but when the shape did not run up and greet him, or launch into some idle chatter, he knew it was the other... her.
It shouldn't have surprised him that she was here. She'd always been when they were kids... she was always here. She fit more in with this place, this pride, than with her own, it seemed. And there was much he needed to say to her.
"I never told you you were beautiful."
She had decided, almost at the last second, to turn away and just as she had begun to shift her paws and head back home, the words came across the wind and stunned her to a halt. Her eyes narrowed upon the waves that curled around her ankles and she felt a lump form in her throat, tightening, and her heart twisted in a way she had never felt. She was confused, in a way she couldn't surprise.
"You never told me anything," she said, in as loud a voice as she could muster, unable to figure out just what she was supposed to say to him. She was too stunned to thank him, but she did turn around to face his direction. Her eyes watched him, and she just stood there waiting. For what, she couldn't say.
Much to his own surprise, he laughed. Panu hung his head, letting his chin hit his chest as his shoulders rumbled with a low, hearty laughter. Shaking his head, the male slowly came out of it and cast an amused, yet sad, look in her direction. "Funny. I thought I rather said too much. Most of it uncalled for."
She clenched her teeth at his look, just barely keeping herself from shying away from it. This was uncomfortable, and she didn't like it when things were uncomfortable. Her first instinct was just to leave, but her gut told her that something about this was just simply too important.
"Words were never your strong point," she said, swallowing and bringing her head up, manging to look a little bolder than she had before. She didn't know what he was playing at. She wanted to be angry with him, but he was too.. sad.
"I wasn't good with.... a lot of things." He looked away again as he said this, eyes roaming out over her beloved ocean. He'd never been able to look at it without thinking of her.
"I'm still not, really... though Sewti and Kisi have been helping somewhat. And Mother." Panu paused then sighed. "What I said to you back then... I thought about it for a long time. Felt... guilty about it, mostly... and I'm sorry that I hurt you."
She made a soft huffing sound under her breath at the mention of the names, her tail lashing angrily behind, though she said nothing. She'd liked to have fussed at him, liked to have been angry, but she couldn't. This was perhaps the only time he had ever bothered to be sincere with her, ever probably cared to be. She couldn't ruin it, not even for her own jealousy.
"Stop apologizing," she said quite suddenly, narrowing her eyes on him, moving forward in the water. "It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't." She shook her head, her tail flickering through the water. She didn't know how to handle this, she wasn't.. she couldn't. "Just stop it, Panu, I don't want to hear it."
He probably would have preferred it if she'd slapped him. That, at least, he'd know how to react to. As it was, Panu just... didn't know. He flinched, unable to help it, and looked further away--half turning to see the shore behind him.
Several times his mouth moved soundlessly, like fish on the beach. ... before it got eaten. He couldn't help a slight smirk at that thought. She'd just landed one hell of a fish... "I didn't think it would, 'pookie. But I thought it'd be worse if it was never said."
She growled lightly at the pet name he threw out at her, staring up at him almost in disbelief. "Don't call me that," she shouted, shifting in the water until she could clamber up behind him, her breath coming hard as she tried to sort out the rushing thoughts in her brain. She was caught between wanting to cry and wanting to hit him, but she wasn't sure why she wanted to do either.
"I don't know what to say to you, or what to think of any of this right now," she said, shifting her paws as they dribbled the water around her, tossing her mane tuft out of her eyes irritably. She let out a deep breath, her eyes shifting from him to the water at her side, and back to him again.
"Who is she?" she said bluntly, unable to put it off anymore. She glanced down at her feet, staring at them, knowing that if he didn't answer her quickly that she was going to start crying. She didn't understand any of it, why it hurt so badly. "Who is she, Panu?" she said it again, louder, but there was more emotion in it.
Panu moved off to the side as she climbed up, giving her plenty of room. He wasn't quite prepared for that question, though, and looked at her with a rather blank expression. For a moment, he simply stared at her and then took a few moments to look around them. He didn't see anyone else about. "Who is... who? We're the only ones out here, Kapuki."
She stomped her foot at him, though by that point there wasn't much heart in that. She plopped down into a sitting position, feeling the hot tears starting to pour down her cheeks. Why was she crying? She really wished she understood herself right now. Her chest hurt, and her stomach felt bad, and why oh why did looking at him make her feel so miserable. She wanted to fall into the ocean and swim in the comfort of the cradling waves. At least then he couldn't see her cry. "That other girl, don't be stupid," she said quietly, almost unable to speak around the lump in her throat.
Panu looked back at her, and stared. She was crying. She was... crying. Somehow that didn't compute very well and he couldn't quite figure it out. Kapuki--KAPUKI?!--was crying!
It was such a radical thought that he could make her cry. Then the guilt set in. "Oh god, don't do that," He whispered, pleading. The man--boy--wanted to comfort her.. but he didn't dare move beyond a twitch in her direction. "She's.. she's no one. Y'know? She's sewtie.." Why did she even want to know? That was the most random question. "She's.. ... well. Yeah, i-i think that sums it up."
She huffed, wiping her face with the back of her paw and shaking her head at him. He didn't even get it! Not that she got it, but he should have! She knew he should have. She gritted her teeth and let out a deep breath, wishing the tears would stop, but she really couldn't make them. It felt wrong to cry in front of him, wrong to let him see, but it was all his fault anyway.
"She isn't no one, stop being.. stop," she said with a huff, staring down at the ocean, leaning over so she could look down at the waves as the crashed around the jetty. At least looking at them helped. "I know her stupid name, that's not what I asked you, and.. just forget it Panu." She shook her head, feeling her breath getting heavy again, afraid that it was going to start all over. She wasn't sure why she expected him to know if she didn't, but he should have. He just should have.
She pushed herself up, jumping back down into the water, too frustrated with him and with herself. Panu complicated things, made her aware of things she hadn't been aware of before. She started to tramp back to the shore, trying to splash as much water as possible, mixing tears with salt water as best she could. She wanted to wash them away, wanted to wash it all away. Where the hell was Nili?
"Kapuki!" Panu called after her, taking a few steps to follow. He stopped short, though, remaining on the Jetty as she tramped down the shoreline. He didn't know what it was about; her anger and sadness. he'd APOLOGIZED, hadn't he?
The lion sighed softly, ears flattened and tail drooping as he watched Kapuki/Nerida storm off. "... goddamnit."
She wanted to run away, she wanted to run away and hide, and wait until all of this passed. The only problem is that she didn't think it would pass. She hadn't expected to feel these things when he came back, she hadn't expected any of this. She stopped as he called her name, hanging her head, feeling an ocean breeze blow across the fur of her back. She couldn't run away from him, as much because this wouldn't go away as it would be offensive to the ocean. It would be so angry if she left him behind like this.
"I don't know what to say," she said, turning to look back at him, her pale blue eyes staring at him as the emotions flashed across her face. It hurt, to look at him, and she still couldn't dam the tears. "You leave like that and come home with some pretty girl," her voice broke as she said it and she felt her heart wrench. She wanted to scream out her frustration at the world.
She'd stopped. Yet another thing he didn't expect... perhaps stupidly. The male hesitated, then leapt down into the water and slogged his way through it to reach her. He was stopped halfway by her words.
"... Sewti is just Sewti," He frowned, "i don't know why people keep making a big deal about her."
She flopped down into the sand at his words, sitting rather ungracefully and shaking her head slowly. "Maybe because you ran away and came home with her, Panu," she stared at her paws, at the sand as the waves washed up and then retreated again. She was at a tug-o-war in her own head, and now she felt stupid on top of everything else.
"Well.. yeah.." He blinked and moved closer. Slowly, carefully, he made a circle around her and came before her to look at her face, watch her expression. "But I didn't like... run away.. to her or anything. I left for... me. I needed to. It was the best thing for me."
"I only met Sewti a few weeks ago."
She frowned as he circled around her to sit down directly in front of her, and she had half a mind to turn her face away so she didn't have to look at him, but it would have been childish. She could be a lot of things right now, but this wasn't a conversation where she could be childish. Time for acting like a cub was over. She forced herself to look up at his eyes, frowning as she did so. She'd had to look at them every time she saw Nili's, had them haunt her even as she took comfort in her best friend. She fought closing her eyes, which cause her face to look strange, the muscles fidgeting beneath her fur, and her emotions raw and unhindered in her concentration.
"You still.." she opened her mouth and shut again, knowing there was nothing she could say. Her feelings were hurt, she was jealous, and she ached. Her heart ached, her stomach ached, her body ached. She drooped her head again as she realized she couldn't make what she felt form words. She felt a little better, a little less hurt, but even more stupid. "Nili says she's weird," she said finally, in a more Kapuki tone of voice, in a more Kapuki flip of conversation, but it was half-hearted at best and mostly mumbled.
Panu frowned as he saw the struggle written on her body, but didn't know how to interpret it. Why did people keep making a big deal of Sewti. At her last comment he snorted, "As if Nili isn't the definition of weird. I really doubt a gender confused lion has any place to be making that sort of call."
Just as she sounded more like her former self, so did he. The male snorted a little then shrugged, "I still 'what', Kapuki? I can't respond if you can't tell me what's---"
The male stopped, considering something. But it didn't make sense, there was no reason for it or logic behind it.
She narrowed her eyes at him with a huff as he made the comment about Nili, her tail twitching behind her rather irritably. "He's not that weird, thank you very much," she gave her head a slight shake, the tuft tossed lightly to the side before falling back into her eyes. "He can make whatever call he wants to, because he is a beautiful person, and.." she trailed off, shrugging her shoulders lightly. She didn't have the heart to argue like they used to, not when she knew there were such more important things looming over head like rainclouds ready to burst.
"I can't tell you because I don't know," she said loudly all of a sudden, looking back up at him with furrowed brows. She dug her paws into the sand, shifting her gaze away quickly again, her face contorting angrily as she mushed the wet grains around. "I don't know, I don't know!" she was irritated and thinking things out was never really her strong point. "I don't know how to say what I want to because I don't know what the words are." The anger on her face faded into confusion and she slapped her paws on the sand irritably, splattering them both with drops of it.
"Oh stop defending him all the time!" Panu growled, perfectly distracted by the reigniting of this old irritation. "God, that's half the reason I left right there!"
He thought he'd been over it, but he wasn't by the way that little comment made his blood boil. Despite his awareness of Nili's feminine side, he was also fairly certain it didn't extend to ... certain areas. Their defense of one another, no matter how innocently meant, was never innocent enough in Panu's eyes.
"What?" she said incredulously, turning her eyes to look back up at him, narrowing on his own as she heard that growl pass his maw. "You went and spent all that time off on your own, doing who knows what, and you still can't get it through your thick skull?" She huffed irritably at him, having half a mind to give him a good wack.
"You know, maybe if you opened your eyes a little more, you'd see it. I don't want Nili, it's not like that at all. I defend him because he's my friend, like my sister." She shook her head at him, glancing away at the ocean. After a moment, of course, her eyes widened a little as she connected the dots here and there that she had been too blind to see before.
The situations weren't really different (except that she was sure this Sewti girl wasn't a gender-confused female), and that, all it came down to is that she was hurt because maybe, just maybe, she wanted Panu. Somewhere it had stopped being because of the ocean's gift, and because she wanted him for another reason. She grimaced, irritated with herself for truly being stupid.
"Mhm, mhm, You see i hear you say that," Panu replied, a little bit of sass creeping into his voice as his annoyance took on a little tone, "But youre actions say very different things. Besides, you make a huge deal of Sewti, and she's more of a brother than Nili is!"
He didn't stop to see the connection at first, rather plunging on in as he always had. Why was it that Kapuki always brought this out in him? She could make him so..so... ANGRY. "I just want you to stop acting like he's infalliable. His s**t smells just as bad as any of the rest of us." The male snorted in a derisive manner and looked away. "I learned a lot out there, and actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words, Kapuki. You act like you're in love with him and have since you met him; anyone with eyes can see it."
She glared at him as he ranted on, staring at him, listening to what he had to say. How could this Sewti girl be anywhere near like Nili if he'd only known her for a few weeks? She'd known Nili for ages! They had grown up together!
Her teeth gritted, her eyes watching him as he ranted on and on, and as soon as he was finished she picked up a paw and promptly plowed it into the side of his thick head. "How's that for a bloody action you pig-head?"
He thought he'd feel better if she'd had hit him... and he was actually right, some how. Once, a long time ago, such an action might have appalled him... once it had... but not now. He turned on her, paw twitching to raise and then froze.
The freeze didn't stop the heat of his glare, or the shaking of his anger. Everything had come rushing back, everything he had left to avoid. He wouldn't leave, not this time, but that didn't mean he was going to sit around and take it.
Finally, after an achingly long time, Panu pulled himself away. He shook himself, to rid himself of puffed up fur, and then began to walk away. A nap, and maybe a conversation with Sewti or Kisi would help.
She watched him, meeting him stare for stare, taking the anger she could almost feel radiating off of him like heat. She sat there in the awkward silence, watching him, feeling it grow more and more strained by the moment. Hitting him had felt like the right thing to do, but leaving things left unsaid was going to make things worse the next time they came face to face.
As he got up, though, she simply sat there, and as he began to walk away she curled up in the sand. Maybe, sometimes, things were just better left unsaid.
