So... he had left. Just like that Nywele had gone off to find another Banu. Of course, Amani thought as she paced beside the lake, she had expected such a thing to happen. He was a normal male, and a part of this pride. In fact, when her vizier had been young, he had had six banu, and a beybanu. But that had been before her time.
So why was she so antsy about it?
Amani took a deep breath and forced herself to stop pacing, hoping to calm the strange anger in her heart. But the anger wasn't at Nywele. No, this anger, this frustration, it was all for herself. She was an arrogant fool, thinking that she was enough to meet all of his needs. He was a god, for crying out loud. And--and to be honest, she had been dealing with another thought that lurked in the back of her mind for a while.
Nywele would never die. But she would. A lioness's life was nothing compared to a god's, and she didn't want him to suffer the same heartbreak, the same earth shattering loss that she had gone through. No, it was best for everyone if he gave his love to more than just her. If he grew used to having several females so that the loss of one wouldn't leave such a scar.
It was best.
But it didn't stop her from sitting down, a single tear trickling down her cheek. Greedy, she thought as she wiped at the tear briskly. Greedy for wanting all of his attention, all of his smiles to herself.
The den would be happier with more females, she added, wiping at another tear. She did hope he picked someone that liked her. The childish thought made her smile crookedly. That was what it really came down to, wasn't it. Amani wanted to be liked. Some might even consider it a flaw, how desperately she desired to be liked. She always did her best to compliment people, to point out how they were unique and special, and they were, of course, but--
But maybe part of the reason she did that was because she wanted them to think the same of her.
The admittance had her shoulders slumping and her head hanging in shame. She was a bad girl. She was a very bad girl, one who didn't deserve such a great pad. That self centered attitude of hers was something a great guy like Nywele didn't deserve. What was worse was that no one realized it except for her.
No, she thought as she stood and looked at her reflection in the water, what was far more worse was that no one ever would realize it except for her. She would keep that secret deep in her dark little heart, buried under a smile and a wave of compliments.
She would go on that way, letting the compliments flow like water, the smiles flash like the sun, cheap and easy assurance for those around her, and herself. It wasn't as if she was hurting anyone, in fact, she was sure it helped them, at least a little.
And when Nywele got back with his second lady she would welcome her with a smile. Then she would try and seduce him again, and again, until she had the cubs she desired so deeply. Then, as she grew older, while he stayed the same, she would distance herself.
When she died, he would be surrounded by young, loving females, all more eager than the next to take her spot as Beybanu. He might think back on her once in a while with a slight smile, remembering their younger days. But he wouldn't suffer.
And he would never know her little secret.
