So, a decision had been made. It wasn’t one he originally would have suspected but, regardless, it was a decision.
Aibi sat silently outside his den, staring up at the thin clouds spattered overhead. His heart was still heavy and sore, he still felt a bit betrayed, and he definitely felt a little guilty despite it all. And yet, he had begun to form the smallest little pearl of happiness in the depths of his dark little heart.
Chanda might still be out there somewhere, among the sands or beyond in the rogue lands living a new adventure. If she was, he had no idea why she had chosen to leave. He had no idea what could have driven his once-beloved and still cherished mate out into a world without him. She was sometimes fickle, maybe he could blame that part of her. Regardless, he felt as if the mourning period, the waiting period, was done with now. He might not have found the same kind of happiness but he had found purpose and that was all he needed to continue in the pride he had grown increasingly comfortable with over the years.
There were new things to look forward to, new faces to get to know, and Azula.. well, she was Azula. He had no idea what might develop between them but even if it was nothing, she had still taught him to overcome the boundaries of social awkwardness. Strange though she was, some things she said and did were quite insightful. Could she replace Chanda? He doubted it. He and his once-mate had formed a bond that could only be found through growing together. Yet there was still comfort in Azula in a strange, Azula way.
He sighed softly to himself at these thoughts and relaxed down into the sand, feeling it shift beneath his weight and conform to his body. The heat of the desert crept over his fur and penetrated to his skin below. For once he didn’t mind it – for once it was a reminder of his pride and he recalled it fondly.
But with these new comforts came the knowledge that he still had duties to see to. In all honesty, he should have been going to his cubs at that very moment to speak with them about the changes that were coming. Sure, they were all grown, but he of all lions knew what it was like to need your family, to want to be a part of everything. Even if Chanda was gone, even if they were half of her and a sore reminder whenever he looked at their faces, he would not neglect his family the way he had been neglected. They deserved to know what decision he had made. They deserved to know that he was finally letting the memory of their mother go. They deserved more answers than he had, but at least he could give them these small comforts if he could give them nothing else.
Maybe the answer to happiness was in his cubs. Maybe involving himself in their lives would lead to a break in his detached personality. He had no idea if any of them had mates – he had no idea if any of them had even had cubs, though he hoped that if any had done so they still had enough respect for him to inform him. It was a two way street though and he couldn’t honestly blame any of them if they had just marked him off of their mental lists. As hurt as he would probably be by the fact that his cubs might not care deeply for him, he absolutely understood that to receive respect one had to offer a part of one’s self. Had he done that for any of them since Chanda had disappeared? No.
That thought made him frown and, as if he were suddenly ashamed of something no one else could see, he dropped his gaze from the sky and stared down at his paws instead. His own dark toes reminded him of Chanda, of the way they always looked more related to one another than any of their own siblings had. He had always joked that it was their own narcissism that drew them to one another, and he recalled that thought with a sad sort of fondness.
Truthfully he and Chanda had been thrust together by what he could only call fate. Even if his pride did not believe in gods, he knew that Chanda had been swept away by one in her youth and that very same goddess had dumped her.. pretty much on his doorstep. After that, everywhere he turned he had found her and everywhere she was she was miserable, lost, and confused.
Before, those thoughts had made him miserable. Before, he had remembered them with sadness or distress. It had been hard to recall such an important part of his life in such a manner but now he could look back on it peacefully. Somewhere deep down it still felt bittersweet but he was sure that he had begun to heal. If Chanda ever made a return, for whatever reason, he was sure that his story would be different. This newfound confidence would shatter, his guilt would overwhelm him, but for now he couldn’t think that way. For now, he had to be confident that his choice was best and that, even if she did return, she found it in her heart to understand him.
Then again, Chanda and understanding never really fit in the same sentence.
He simple scoffed lightly beneath his breath, a sound between a laugh and an irritated snort, and pushed himself up onto his feet once more. He was going to take what little new-found confidence he had and reintroduce himself to the rest of the pride, make a new start, and attempt to be a respectable member of his community. If he succeeded was yet to be seen as he still had no idea where or how to start, only a knowledge that it was something he had to do for himself. He had to do it to move on.
Success or failure loomed on the horizon and neither was clearer than the other. In the back of his mind, however, he knew that even in the face of failure he could try again – if nothing else, his experiences had proved that to him.
1,070 words.
