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MarineForceReconSniper

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Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2010 9:02 am

*cough cough* you guys RPing stinks :/ a little above noobish but you need better storylines razz haha Sorry, just thought I'd let you know... Puts hand behind head... Here ^o^ a snipet from an RP i'm doing is posted BELOW! Right down there... *points downward*

I am the Alchemist,

Judah watched as Prim walked past the guard. She pretended to trip on something and she fell to the floor. The guard looked down, Prim said something and raised her butt toward the guard first. Judah smiled. She seemed to know what she was doing. He watched as Prim and the guard talked. Prim then winked at the guard and walked off seductivly. The guard looked around, noticeing no one who seemed to be looking at the door, he saw Judah but he quickly adverted his gaze to the artifact. The guard smiled and fallowed after Prim.

I enter the territory of God.

Im Prim, Im the nice one.

Kim watched as her sister seduced the guard. "Natural succubus. She said, she laughed and grabbed a glass of champange from a waitress and drank half of it. She unbuttoned the first button of her shirt and showed a little cleavage. She calmly walked over to door and opened it. When the guard turned around Kim smiled, she seemed drunk. She walked in and looked at the guard. She sat down in his lap. "Hey, wana have a little fun?" She said winking at the guard and breatheing on her as he smelled the alchohol. The man tried to stand up, but couldn't. "Ma'am I'm sorry but your not allowed in here." Kim laughed. "Don't be like that, this is a celebration so let's celebrate." She winked again and moved towards the guard as if to kiss him. The guards breathing intensified, Kim took the cloth with the the cloraphorme and placed it on his mouth and nose. The guard took a deep breath from the surprise and blacked out. He would be out for several hours. Kim smiled and sent a mental message to Judah. "Mission accomplished. I'm inside." She waited for an answer. "Good work, now Prim what about you?" No answer. "Prim?" "Sorry, this guy was big and grabby, took me a while to put him down cause I wasn't the one who got the knock out cloth." Kim chuckled. "You did good anyway Prim, just make sure no guards enter the room from now on." Judah said mentally. "Will do."

Im Kim, Im the mean one.

Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 12:49 pm

MarineForceReconSniper

*cough cough* you guys RPing stinks :/ a little above noobish but you need better storylines razz haha Sorry, just thought I'd let you know... Puts hand behind head... Here ^o^ a snipet from an RP i'm doing is posted BELOW! Right down there... *points downward*

I am the Alchemist,

Judah watched as Prim walked past the guard. She pretended to trip on something and she fell to the floor. The guard looked down, Prim said something and raised her butt toward the guard first. Judah smiled. She seemed to know what she was doing. He watched as Prim and the guard talked. Prim then winked at the guard and walked off seductivly. The guard looked around, noticeing no one who seemed to be looking at the door, he saw Judah but he quickly adverted his gaze to the artifact. The guard smiled and fallowed after Prim.

I enter the territory of God.

Im Prim, Im the nice one.

Kim watched as her sister seduced the guard. "Natural succubus. She said, she laughed and grabbed a glass of champange from a waitress and drank half of it. She unbuttoned the first button of her shirt and showed a little cleavage. She calmly walked over to door and opened it. When the guard turned around Kim smiled, she seemed drunk. She walked in and looked at the guard. She sat down in his lap. "Hey, wana have a little fun?" She said winking at the guard and breatheing on her as he smelled the alchohol. The man tried to stand up, but couldn't. "Ma'am I'm sorry but your not allowed in here." Kim laughed. "Don't be like that, this is a celebration so let's celebrate." She winked again and moved towards the guard as if to kiss him. The guards breathing intensified, Kim took the cloth with the the cloraphorme and placed it on his mouth and nose. The guard took a deep breath from the surprise and blacked out. He would be out for several hours. Kim smiled and sent a mental message to Judah. "Mission accomplished. I'm inside." She waited for an answer. "Good work, now Prim what about you?" No answer. "Prim?" "Sorry, this guy was big and grabby, took me a while to put him down cause I wasn't the one who got the knock out cloth." Kim chuckled. "You did good anyway Prim, just make sure no guards enter the room from now on." Judah said mentally. "Will do."

Im Kim, Im the mean one.

Okay, I have serious problems with this... This shouldn't be in a roleplaying forum. It should be in general discussion. Oh, and by the way, if you really want to get better, I suggest learning how to make complex sentences and expanding your vocabulary so as to become more descriptive. Good roleplayers do not need photos of their "characters" in order to describe them.That being said let me take an in depth analysis of your post. One, its all simple sentences, something that NEEDS to be changed. It is dull and boring to read this way. Grammar seems to be fine, a few errors here and there, but nothing significant. My grade: C+, you pass, but barely. You do write better than most of the people on Gaia, but still need a LOT of work.