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 Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 3:32 pm
Her mate had left her, again.
Gerda couldn't blame him really. She wasn't feeling too poorly tonight. Jozo had made sure she was comfortable, and had everything she needed. Then he had stepped out to get some air. As though he didn't get enough air patrolling their lands! The dark lioness felt a twist of bitterness and quashed it. No, that wasn't like her. She loved Jozo, she did. He had his weaknesses, but she loved him despite it all. She knew that when he returned to her love, her devotion, everything would be all right.
Still, she could not keep the jealousy from her heart.
The dark lioness slipped out of the den silently. As long as she moved slowly, carefully, she did not make a sound. She had lived with her illness for a long time now, and knew how to control coughing and harsh breathing.
She had to be clever, if she was going to stalk Jozo. Knowing exactly where he was headed didn't hurt either. He thought that she didn't know, but she did, she did, she knew all of his special places. The dark lioness circled around him on the path, moving to intercept him. She let out a cough purposely now, alerting him - and anyone else who might be listening - to her presence.
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 3:40 pm
Jozo sometimes felt guilty about lying to his mate, but not nearly enough to make him stop lying to her. Didn't he deserve to be happy? If being with Eppie made him happy, then he should be allowed to see her. The guilt that shrouded his heart made no sense, but Jozo would never stop beating himself up because of it. He would live with the decisions he'd made. He'd BEEN living with the decisions he'd made.
Jozo stepped lightly as he moved away from the den he shared with his mate; he knew she wasn't sleeping, but he needed to see Eppie. He needed to see her face and hear her sweet voice and use her shoulder to cry on; he would never cry in front of Gerda, never.
He blinked at the cough that softly carried on the cool night air. Gerda. Gritting his teeth, he let out a soft exhale before speaking.
"Gerda, what are you doing up and about? I thought you would've been sleeping for certain."
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 3:50 pm
Was it her imagination, or did Jozo sound unhappy to hear her? The bitter side of her said he was, but that was uncharitable. She must forgive him his errant ways, and try to correct him as gently as she could.
"I had strange dreams, Jozo... fever dreams," Gerda said. This was a feeble excuse for going to seek him out, but he'd had a feeble excuse for leaving in the first place, hadn't he? She was tempted to add another pathetic cough, but decided against it. "I felt lonely. Sometimes you are gone for so long." Her voice was not reproachful, but rather wistful.
Gerda stepped forward and laid her head against his neck. It was a tender gesture. One he might find unwelcome (so her treacherous inner self mourned), but he was her mate. It was her job to be tender with him, wasn't it?
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 3:59 pm
Jozo stared off into space, his eyes finding a nonexistent point on the horizon. He exhaled softly once more, schooling his voice into a tone that held as much affection as he could muster. Admittedly it wasn't much, but Jozo had needed to see Eppie tonight. He needed to talk to her about a small cub he'd recently met, a small cub far too wise beyond her years. His heart ached, and he knew that only Eppie's gentle words and soothing touch could heal him.
Not Gerda's.
Jozo scorned himself inwardly. He hated feeling like this, but he was bound to Gerda and would not wish heartache on her. She'd lived a sick life while he and Eppie had been plague-free, or so they'd thought. "I have much to think about, Gerda. It is easier for me to walk and think, you know this." A weak excuse, but one shrouded in farcical tenderness.
His life was a lie, and Jozo hated it.
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 4:31 pm
The dark lioness listened quietly, her pale eyes staring over Jozo's shoulder. Easier for him to walk and think. Part of her wanted to believe it, to believe the best of him.
Gerda took a step backwards, breaking their half-embrace so that she could look him in the eyes. She knew that something was bothering him, but not what. "Tell me, Jozo?" Gerda asked softly. She felt shy asking, a little nervous of his response. In her experience, her mate kept his troubles to himself. She had never before asked him to share with her.
"Maybe I can help." Oh, she wanted to help so badly! Gerda allowed herself a small moment of hope. Perhaps this would be the night that Jozo really bonded with her, finally relinquished his old emotions and let the past lie.
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 4:39 pm
Jozo peered into her light eyes as she pulled away from him. He knew that Gerda loved him. He knew that he should love Gerda the same way, but he couldn't give himself the opportunity to fall in love with Gerda. He cared for her, he always would, but his heart forever belonged to Eppie. Nothing would change that. He would love Eppie until she told him to stop loving her, and that was the way things were.
Jozo would not dishonor Gerda, though, no matter how much he loved another lioness. He just couldn't bring himself to do it, not after she'd been through so much tragedy in her life already.
"I can't, Gerda. You are not feeling well, and I will not burden you with my troubles." An easy way out, a simple way for him to not have to talk to her about things that weighed heavily on his mind. "Let me walk you back home, or is there something else you'd rather do?"
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 5:55 pm
Gerda wanted him to burden her. She wanted to be understanding and compassionate ... she would be, if only Jozo would let her understand! But she would not pry, she would not force him to talk to her. She sensed that would only seal his lips more tightly. Besides, hadn't she won a victory tonight?
The dark lioness bowed her head silently in acceptance ... and also to hide the tiny smile that tugged at her lips. She had won a victory, yes. Now she just had to keep it. It would be lovely to have Jozo walk her home, but how could she convince him to stay without nagging at him?
"Walk with me a while?" Gerda raised her head and smiled so that Jozo could see her, a gentle, hopeful smile. "I never come on your travels. I would like to spend some time with you." Gerda was starting to feel rather unwell, although her "fever dreams" had been a fabrication. She knew that pushing herself to spend time with Jozo would probably leave her exhausted, but spending time with her mate was important.
If she could keep Jozo by her side, he wouldn't have time to visit the other lioness. Perhaps the other would even be angered.
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 6:06 pm
Jozo admitted defeat to himself. He would not be visiting Eppie tonight, not when Gerda was feeling so ...needy. Eppie would understand, of course, but how long could he expect her to be so forgiving? How long would Eppie give him before she looked elsewhere for affections that she deserved, affections he couldn't always give to her freely?
"For a while," Jozo conceded to his mate, nodding his head, "but not too far. Don't push yourself, Gerda." He glanced at her as they walked, and he had to admire the strength she had. Living her life doomed to die, but she took each day face on and with determination.
"What kept you busy today?" Idle conversation with a lioness he could pretend was another, at least for a time.
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 6:54 pm
Gerda's body was aching, but her spirit lightened as Jozo fell in beside her. He seemed to have abandoned whatever notions he had of sneaking off. She was grateful. Moreover, she felt triumphant. The dark lioness didn't often get to savor victory. Now she had it, for a time at least. And she had her mate.
She relaxed as she walked beside him, her habitual melancholy lifting somewhat. Gerda looked almost cheerful. "There has been a lot of work for me," she said softly. A lot of lions falling ill, was what she meant, but it seemed bad luck to speak so plainly. There was enough death and gloom about them without talking about it on this peaceful night.
"There are new cubs about. I've seen them, but I haven't met them." The wistful quality was back in her voice. The loss of their own cubs lay between them. Would they have brought joy to the couple? Perhaps. Perhaps there would be cubs to lighten their lives someday, but Gerda would not speak of that possibility, would not even allow herself to think of it.
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 7:01 pm
"Mmhm," Jozo hummed in agreement, dipping his blonde head. "Many new cubs; new life brings joy to the pride, and for that I am happy." He did not want to speak of the cubs that did not survive. To do so would only cause them both heartache. Jozo did not want to mention the heartache that also came with new life.
He thought about his cubs often; daily, in fact. Part of him saw their death as what it was. A curse to be mourned, a plague that was constant, a mothers sadness and a fathers emptiness. But some small part of him, some miniscule part... was glad that they had found peace in death. He was glad that they would not be forced to live with such an illness, one that would eventually kill them.
"And how are you feeling today, Gerda? Aside from your fevered dreams, how are you otherwise?" This question was posed with genuine concern; her health was important to him, and he could never forget that.
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Posted: Wed Sep 29, 2010 8:40 am
Jozo's obvious concern eased Gerda's heart. Her earlier jealousy was almost forgotten. Maybe he had just been out for a walk after all. She had been uncharitable to doubt him so. The dark lioness glanced over at her mate, smiling.
"I feel better. The night air is doing me good." She did feel better with Jozo ... although now that he was worried about her, she felt a pang of guilt that she had lied to him about the fever dreams.
Gerda opened her mouth to say something else, but her words became a sudden harsh cough. A real one this time, not like the one she had uttered in order to draw Jozo's attention. She choked off the cough, frustrated. They'd been having a good time!
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Posted: Wed Sep 29, 2010 8:49 am
Jozo stopped in his tracks, lifting a paw up to rest against his mate's shoulder. "Gerda," he whispered, his voice filled with utter concern, "have you been pushing yourself? You should have said something; I should not have kept us walking." He was irate with himself. He was supposed to be the one who watched over her health.
"Lets get you home. Walk slowly, and lean on me if you feel weak," Jozo ordered, worry lacing his tone. Perhaps he would have to stop sneaking out at night. On more than one occasion he found himself crossing paths with Gerda; it was more than coincidence, he knew this, but she would have no reason to leave the den in pursuit of him if he kept his visits to Eppie to daylight hours.
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Posted: Wed Sep 29, 2010 9:02 am
"I'll be fine," Gerda said, but the weakness in her voice told of the lie. Leaning slightly against Jozo, she began walking home. She knew he wouldn't allow her to stay out later and push herself, no matter how much she protested. Although her weakness frustrated her, she was grateful of Jozo's care.
She did not talk much on the way home, trying to save her breath. Gerda did look at her mate from time to time, the fondness evident in her eyes. Surely he would stay with her tonight, to comfort her. And for once, she was feeling well enough to appreciate it! She would fight off her exhaustion for as long as she could, just to enjoy Jozo's company.
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