Zorlock's Epic Battle of Epicness

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Enemies Defeated
Tier 1 (Grunnies) - 1
Tier 2 (Labtechs) - 1
Tier 3 (Gambino) - 0

Currently Battling
Tier 3 (Gambino)
AC: 16
HP: 15 / 70

For reference, I'm including a screencap of the avatar I had while participating in this event, because it factors into my RP.

 

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Day 1, Attack 1

HIT! 13 damage! 27 HP remaining!

On a chilly night in December, Zorlock Darksoul sits quietly in his home just south of Barton, reading his copy of the Dungeon Master's Guide for D&D v3.5. Yes, he is that nerdy. But suddenly, a commotion outside draws his attention. With a grumble of irritation, he sets the book aside and peers out the window. To his astonishment, he sees a horde (swarm? flock?) of Grunnies rampaging through the streets!

Having absolutely no experience in actual combat, Zorlock does the only sensible thing: he grabs a giant candy cane from his Closet of Good Lord I Have a Lot of Stuff in My Inventory and rushes outside to do battle with the dangerous creatures.

As soon as he opens the door, a single Grunny launches itself at his throat, snarling as only a mutant green rabbit can. More out of reflex than skill, Zorlock swings his "weapon", attempting to knock the little creature away. To his surprise, the swing connects! A loud *whack* sounds as the oddly solid and heavy candy cane collides with the Grunny's skull, sending it sprawling.

Taking a moment to congratulate himself, Zorlock steps outside and looks around. He sees several other Gaians braving the onslaught of Grunnies. The rational part of his mind tells him to get the **** back inside and wait this out, but the battle frenzy has already planted itself firmly within him.

A low growl sounds nearby, and Zorlock realizes the Grunny he struck down wasn't killed, but merely stunned. He tightens his grip on the candy cane, making a mental note to give it a properly epic name later, and readies himself for the Grunny's next attack.  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Day 1, Attack 2

MISS! 27 HP remaining!

Rather than play defense the whole time, Zorlock decides to launch a preemptive strike. Kneeling down, he grabs an Old Can from the ground and hurls it with all his might. Unfortunately, he hurls it in the wrong direction, missing the Grunny by a good few feet. The creature growls with anger and bloodlust and leaps at Zorlock once again.  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Day 2, Attack 1

MISS! 27 HP remaining!

Zorlock knows better than to hope for another lucky mid-flight strike, so he ducks and turns around, lashing out with the candy cane as the creature lands. Unfortunately the swing is a hair too early, passing under the Grunny's feet a split second before it reaches the ground. Zorlock curses his ill timing.  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Day 2, Attack 2

HIT! 14 damage! 13 HP remaining!

Pulling a desperation move, Zorlock rushes forward to punt the little mutant, hoping he doesn't end up like Charlie Brown.

Y'know, Charlie Brown? He always tries to kick the football, but Lucy pulls it away at the last second every time, and his momentum carries him skyward briefly before he lands flat on his back?

...Geez, am I that old?

But the kick connects! A celebratory "Huzzah!" escapes Z's lips as the Grunny sails through the air and collides with the wall of his neighbor's house, then slides down almost comically.

The creature isn't done yet, however! It rises shakily to its feet and casts a malevolent glare in Z's direction.  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Day 3, Attack 1

HIT! 12 damage! 1 HP remaining!

...Seriously? One hit point? Come on, dice. Gimme a break here.

Instead of leaping at him, the Grunny tries a different tactic: it goes after his ankles! Zorlock, briefly confused by this sudden change in attack pattern (who knew Grunnies could strategize?), tries to block the attack with his candy cane (which he decides to dub Xmas Cheer). The Grunny latches onto the end of the sweet stick and refuses to let go, like an overly possessive dog holding a chew toy.

Being as small as it is, the Grunny is easily lifted when Z raises Xmas Cheer off the ground. It dangles from the end as he holds the weapon out, and he unceremoniously slams it back to the earth, dislodging it with a satisfying *thump* sound.  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Day 3, Attack 2

MISS! 1 HP remaining!

*headdesk*

The Grunny, heavily damaged but not yet defeated, struggles to its feet with a snarl. Z decides to finish this quickly. Not giving it time to recover, he lifts Xmas Cheer over his head for a final blow. The weapon descends and...

...the Grunny dodges?! WTF?!

Hanging on by a mere thread of life, the Grunny is still surprisingly nimble. It leaps once again, this time going after Z's hands. He drops the weapon and pulls back to evade, tripping over his own feet and falling to the ground in the process. He crawls backwards to escape the Grunny as it creeps toward him, and he bumps into a tree. The Grunny has him cornered! Oh, snap!  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Day 4, Attack 1

HIT! 8 damage! 0 HP remaining!

Grunny has been defeated!

With no weapon in hand and his escape route blocked by a tree, Z considers himself Grunny food. He stands up, ready to meet his end, and-

...Wait a minute. Tree?

Tree!

Taking a chance, Z turns around and kicks the tree as hard as he can. To his delight, several gold coins fall from the branches, raining down upon the Grunny and severing that final thread of life.

His enemy defeated, Zorlock strikes a victory pose and hums a little tune. He gathers up the gold, thanking his lucky stars that he lives in a world where money actually grows on trees.

Reclaiming his lost weapon, Xmas Cheer, he glances around. Other Gaians have also managed to put down some Grunnies, and the area seems safe for now. Zorlock decides to investigate some other neighborhoods.  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Day 4, Attack 2

HIT! 3 damage! 57 HP remaining!

Before he sets off, Zorlock slips back into his house for a moment. He digs around in his Closet and stuffs a few choice items into his hat (which serves as a Bag of Holding, for any other D&D nerds who might be reading). Feeling more prepared for whatever he might face, he heads back outside and proceeds north.

It doesn't take long for him to reach the next neighborhood, where he finds what appears to be a large storage crate. Bits of green fur and a familiar smell suggest this crate once held Grunnies. "This must be the source of our local infestation," Zorlock muses aloud.

"Right you are, clever Gaian," comes a raspy voice. From behind the crate steps a man with pasty skin and sunken eyes. His labcoat, formerly white, is now covered in stains of blood and other substances. He walks with a slight stoop, and only a vague shred of humanity is visible in his face. A Labtech, Zorlock realizes.

A thin smile spreads on the Labtech's lips. "If you've made it this far, then you've gotten past the Grunnies. That means you're a suitable specimen. I hope you don't mind if I pick at your brain for a while."

Zorlock shoulders his candy cane. "You want to ask me questions?"

The Labtech sneers. "No, I mean I want to literally pick at your brain. With this." A scalpel slips into his hand, and with surprising dexterity, the Labtech hurls the knife at Zorlock.

Z barely manages to evade, and he looks from the Labtech to his candy cane with a grimace. "Sorry, Xmas Cheer. I think I need an upgrade for this battle." Taking off his hat, he stuffs the candy cane in and pulls out his Lunar Scythe, then replaces his headgear and brandishes the new weapon.

The Labtech rubs his chin. "Interesting. You want to fight me? It would be easier on us both if you simply surrendered." With a flick of his wrist, the Labtech gains another scalpel and hurls it. Zorlock twirls the scythe, suddenly glad he spent all those hours playing around with it, and deflects the projectile back toward the Labtech.

The knife nicks him on the shoulder, and the Labtech frowns in annoyance. "How troublesome. It appears you won't be cooperating. I suppose I must take you by force."  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Day 5, Attack 1

MISS! 57 HP remaining!

The Labtech tosses two more scalpels. Z ducks behind a rock to evade them, and he realizes he'll have to close the distance between them if he wants to win this battle. But he doesn't think he'll be able to keep deflecting shots with lucky scythe twirls. Reaching into his hat, he pulls out his Human's Makeshift Shield, a beat-up stop sign from a previous Halloween event. Hefting that and his Lunar Scythe, he charges out from the behind the rock, running toward where he last saw the Labtech and taking a swing with the scythe when he nears.

Unfortunately, the Labtech is no longer there, having repositioned himself on the roof of a house. Z feels a little foolish for not checking before he ran out, but it's too late to correct himself now. With swift reflexes, he dives behind a house, avoiding another barrage of surgical knives, and pauses to rethink his strategy.  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Oops. Forgot the dice. I'm an idiot.  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

Day 5, Attack 2

MISS! 57 HP remaining!

With the Labtech on a rooftop, he has the advantage. The Lunar Scythe, cool though it may be, would serve no purpose to Z if he couldn't get close to his enemy. He returns it to storage for the time being and looks for something more appropriate to the situation.

He decides on the crossbow from the Vampire Hunter Hat item. After checking to make sure the Labtech is still there, Zorlock leaves cover and fires a bolt, which of course misses because he's never fired a damn crossbow before. Muttering a curse, he ducks behind another house to reload.  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

D6A1

HIT! 18 damage! 39 HP remaining!

The Labtech taunts him from the roof of the next house. "You'll never win, you know. I'm far more powerful than you. Just give u-"

*THUNK*

The Labtech glances down at his thigh, finding a crossbow bolt jutting out of it. From the ground nearby, Zorlock grins. The Labtech looks furious.

"You...! You interrupted my evil villain gloating speech! How dare you?! Don't you know how these situations work?!"

Zorlock shrugs. "I know how they're expected to work, yes. That's exactly why I did it. No one would ever watch for an attack during villainous dialogue."  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

D6A2

HIT! 7 damage! 32 HP remaining!

The Labtech tears the bolt out of his leg and shakes it like a nun shakes a ruler when lecturing a disobedient student. "And that's precisely why you shouldn't have done it! Now you've thrown off the entire scenario! I hope you're proud of-"

*THUNK*

This time, the bolt sticks him in the shoulder. Zorlock smiles. "Oh, yes. Very proud."

The Labtech looks to the bolt, then back at Zorlock. "Are you sure you're the hero of this story?"

Z shrugs again. "Let's just say I enjoy defying stereotypes."  

[Zorlock Darksoul]

D7A1

MISS! 32 HP remaining!

The Labtech glowers. "I hope you also enjoy bleeding to death on your neighbor's doorstep!" In a flash, another scalpel zings through the air. Zorlock fires a final, hastily aimed bolt before dodging back behind the house. He hasn't won yet, but he feels pretty good about what he just accomplished. He digs through his hat to find something else he can use.