“Empty dens far away, lost in lonely space, you know you’ve felt the same…” The young voice drifted softly across the great space within the crater, the faint words ringing clearly now that he was away from the echoes of the tunnel. He loved to sing. It made everything smooth for a little while. Smooth like soft mud by the water, or that sweet stuff the bees made. His voice was smooth too, mama said it was a lovely singing voice…but he should be louder, less shy. He had a talent, a gift, she told him. She said he should be proud of it, but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know what there was to be proud of. He was clumsy and weak and smaller than his siblings, and their father…they didn’t have one. Was that his fault? Did their daddy not want to admit Hikari was his?
“From the shallows of love, to the depths of your heart, you know you wish to change…” He wanted to be different, he did! If only he could be. If only he could be good enough. He would do anything to be good enough. Mama said he was. Mama said she loved him, said that he was her precious, precious baby. And his siblings seemed to like him too. But…but he wasn’t a very good big brother.
“In the wraps deep of hate, fixed and spinning fates, there is a certain fear…” He was scared too. He could admit that to his mama at least, though the look on her face made him feel sorrier than ever. He didn’t want to upset her. He didn’t want her to worry. She didn’t need to waste her time worrying about him. His brother and sisters were so much more important. So very very important. They were the ones who deserved their father, even though he didn’t. If he weren’t there…maybe, just maybe, they might have a daddy. “Evil waits for control, the dark outside our homes, waits for every tear…” He didn’t cry though. Not in front of anyone anyway. He was too big for that. His stupid paws were clumsy and ungraceful no matter how hard he tried to be like mother. How hard he worked at being graceful, at capturing the smooth fluidity with which she moved. But the only smooth thing he could manage was his voice.
Hikari coughed hard, blinking very quickly. His eyes burned now. Maybe he should sing a different song instead. Maybe he could try one of the bouncier ones. A boy had tried to sing something to mama the other night. How had that gone again? The notes had been a bit off, or so they’d sounded to his young ears, and the words were…strange.
“You got my…attention when you made that move, I- I can’t help it that I’m stuck on you…” he chirped, the tune lifting brightly as he bounced forwards, out from the mouth of the tunnel that led to where their den was. “Who- who? No one- can’t do it like you do it when you do…” It was kind of a silly song, wasn’t it? “Oh pretty girl I really want to get that- get that relationship no doubt about it because…I’m craving for you, and you know it too, there’s no way I can stop- stop- stop this desire. I’m just like a fool, but there’s no one to ever top- top- top that style…”
Hikari pounced at a falling leaf, batting it brightly about in his paws before he let himself flop over to lay on his back. His forepaws folded over his chest and he waved at the sky for a few moments. It was such a bright blue. And the clouds were wispy and white, white. white. Like he was. What was he so white when mama and her brothers were so dark? If it weren’t for Satomei he would have felt so horribly alone.
“Blue skies… and I’m being depressing,” the hybrid sighed, kicking his hind paws until he could pat them with his forepaws, halfway curled up on the grass. Another song, there had to be another song… “Hey girl, what’s your name? L-O-V-E, I see the game. It’s okay, I do it too, you make me want to play like you.” It was a different one from before, it seemed like a kind of call-back really. His mum had said something back, and Hikari had learned then and there he did not get his singing voice from her. Her voice was lovely and low and soft, perfect for purring and nuzzling. But it rasped when she lifted it into a song, making her sound…odd. What had she called back though? How had it gone? “Well then, go stand in line, fools like you don’t waste my time. But if I say I’ll play with you, then are you going to follow through?”
These songs were odd. His mother seemed to like teasing with them, but he just…didn’t feel like it. They didn’t feel…right to him. They didn’t feel like how he felt… “Empty day…with nothing in this world…singing a simple melody, and wearing my heart on my sleeve…and I wish I had you. For a moment can I say I have you? Don’t even need to move, but nothing is happening. Because the lies they are the truth…’cause you see I’m not that graceful like you. And I’m not as eloquent. But maybe my simple melody can change the way that you see me…and right now, I wish I had you…”
Sad songs. His sad songs. They felt right. They felt honest. But he didn’t want that to be true forever. “And all my life I stumble, but for you I’d be just perfect. As perfect as I could ever be. And I need you. For a moment just a moment please can I have you? But nothing is happening. Because the lies are only truth. You’ll never want me too.”
And now he really wanted to cry. Why didn’t they have a father? Was it because of him? Was it because he wasn’t tough enough? Wasn’t strong enough? …wasn’t good enough?
Hikari rolled slowly to his feet, his head low and his ears down. Now he was just…sad. He’d hoped he could sing himself to be feeling better. But it didn’t work. It only felt right to sing what he felt, what he was. But all that he had were sad songs. They weren’t going to cheer him up. They would never cheer anyone up. He paused once as he started back for the den, his mismatches eyes lifting back to the expanse of blue above him. "Depressing," he muttered, looking down again. "...I think I hate the sky today."
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