"Do you remember your first love?"
The question resonated in my head. Did I?
I stared dumbstruck at the text message on the screen.
These six words jolted a locked vault once lost in the tangled mess of my soul.
I typed in 'no'. Wait.
Delete.
'I do.' I typed in, then added: "But I really rather not talk about it."
Send.
My first love.
It defied the standards of morality. But I never even realized it was that kind of love until several years later. It was innocent. We first met when I entered a new elementary public school. My family was new in town. She was my first friend. She ignored my weird country accent that everyone in class always made fun of. I could still remember the bandage on her nose and a huge cheeky grin on her face as she held out her hand to me, announcing her name.
We were inseparable since then.
During that time, I was always the target of the school bullies. I was weak, always easy to cry. But she was there to back me up every time. She never got tired of it.
We grew up that way; She: self-confident, charismatic and reckless. Ever popular with both girls and boys; and me: weak, hesitant and a total pushover. Her shadow.
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It wasn't until we entered junior high that I realized my true feelings for her. I was rushed to the hospital after a rich student's car ran over my old bicycle. I had broken several bones on my left arm and leg where I landed after the crash. My parents had already left for London when that happened, and they could not afford to miss work and go back to The Philippines.
Her mother acted as my legal guardian and watched over in the hospital after a couple of operations to reconnect my bones. (I still have the scars as proof of my survival up til now.)
She would always visit me in the mornings before class, and would stay late into the evenings after school was done. She would bring me my assignments and make-up-exams ------ and of course, she would copy off my work when I was done. But I never did mind.
During the weekend, she would sleep over and relieve her mom off the task of watching over me. But there was one certain weekend where I finally fell for my best friend:
"Hey.", She said "Feeling better?" hey eyes on the pins that pierced into my skin and to the bones of my left arm.
"Yeah.", I smiled, tugging on the IV tube "You know you don't have to do this."
"Do what?, and please stop doing that, you're making me queasy.", She laughed, reaching gently to hold my right hand, intertwining our fingers.
I blinked and flushed at the gesture. "You know." I looked away. "Watching over me."
She stared at me like I had graffiti all over my face, her brown eyes amused. "Don't be silly." She squeezed my hand. "I want and like doing this."
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"Really." I scoffed. "Why?"
"Simple." She shrugged, smiling. "I love you"
My heart leaped up my throat, skipping a beat; My head spinning. The expression on my face started her.
"Hey, I didn't mean it that way!" She laughed. "You know I love you like my own flesh and blood."
It was my turn to laugh, pushing back the hurt and disappointment. I knew it was too good to be true, anyway. "You're so cheesy."
"But hey, I mean it." She blinked. "Are you okay?"
I slowly fell back against the pillows, closing my eyes. "I feel really dizzy" I murmured, "But I'm alright"
So this is what falling in love feels like, I thought to myself. I knew she did not love me romantically, but it stirred something in me. I wasn't the same after that, but I kept it to myself.
I got out of the hospital a month later.
I fell in love with my best friend that night.
I was scared. I did not want to ruin our relationship as friends. But honestly; I could not bear getting rejected.
The turning point of our relationship as best friends finally came on the middle of the first semester of our last year in high school. The only year where we were no longer in the same class.
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I was spending the night at her place for one of our frequent "Bonding Time" during the weekends:
"Hey" She sighed as I was dozing off to lala land.
"I have a secret to tell you. promise you won't freak."
"Okay." I yawned, sitting up and waited as she inched closer to the edge of her bed, sheets rustling.
"What is it"
"well." She hesitated, hugging a pillow, "I think I'm in love with someone right now." She grunted "Damn it, promise you won't tell?"
My heart stopped. No way.
I managed a nod, trying to make out her features in the darkness. "I promise."
"Don't think I'm creepy, okay? You know, I really, really like this girl."
I could barely think straight. My heart was banging in my ears so loudly that I felt dizzy. Could it be? Does she feel the same way?
"And?" I squeaked.
"And ----- I think ----" She sighed "I think I love her."
Who is it? I thought
"So what is the problem? love is love."
"Really." She giggled. "It is so you to consent everything I do" I could hear the laughter in her voice as she teased me. "You're okay with me being gay, huh?"
I am, too. I wanted to say.
"Duh. You're my best-friend. I'll accept you even if you grew an extra head."
We both laughed. The sight of her growing another head would instantly ruin her popularity, but it sure was funny.
"Ugh. I can even barely get by with just one." She laughed so hard she almost fell off her bed.
"But it would make you smarter ---- I guess."
We kept laughing until our stomachs hurt. We both ended up rolling with our arms clutching our middle.
"So can I ---- I mean, should I ask her out?"
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Yes. "Duh." Then I waited for something I wanted to hear since Junior High.
"I'll go ask her after class on Monday."
Not me.
I felt my world break.
Not me.
"So who is it?" I almost choked, drawing on my blanket over my drawn up knees and huddled up into myself to keep from breaking apart.
Who knew that heartbreak felt like as if your heart was truly being ripped apart?
"It's Hanami, Shiu. From my class." She said shyly.
The shy-in-love-voice was already disgusting me. She reached out and held my hand, entwining our fingers. A gesture I have already grown used to. She was so warm, I mused, sighing. This warmth will never be mine.
"Wish me luck, okay?"
"Okay, Good Luck" And as quickly as it came, the warmth was gone as she retrieved her hand to hug the pillow once more.
"You know I love you, right?" She giggled. yawning.
"Yes, I do" But not in the same way, I thought sadly.
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It was a dream come true for one of the girls in our school to be asked out by the ever popular Shinori Kudo, so of course, Hanami instantly said yes. She was pretty, taller that I was but shorter than Shinori.
I was only as tall as Shinori's shoulders. As I thought, I really was not my best friend's type. She liked cute, perky girls and not gloomy, reserved ones.
Well, I guess that was it.
Hanami and I were introduced one Monday morning. They were going to school together from now on. I brought a new bicycle that same afternoon. I was numb all over. Good. I liked numb. She was insensitive. Never noticing the change in me and in our relationship.
Did she ever see the pain in my eyes? Noting my smile getting faker as the days progressed?
No.
Getting back on a bicycle scared the hell out of me, but I needed an excuse to go to and from school alone.
I could not stand being with my best friend ---- my first love ---- anymore. She was too happy being with her girlfriend.
Not that I wasn't happy for her; I just wasn't a masochist to endure the heartache.
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I saw less and less of her as the months passed. She wasn't bothered at all, I mean, more time for her lover right?
I avoided her as carefully as I could.
Graduation came. We were having our photos taken. Just the two of us, holding out our diplomas to the sky.
Our last day together.
I already had my one way ticket to Tokyo on a 10 PM flight that night.
She was staying here in Okinama ---- with her girlfriend.
"I'm sure gonna miss you, To-chan."
To-chan. I haven't heard that in awhile. It brings back memories.
"Me, too." I smiled, taking in her mischievous brown eyes, short black hair, and her coy grin for a mental picture.
"Take care of yourself in Tokyo, alright?" She grinned widely "I can no longer be with you to protect you, 'ya know."
You won't need to anymore. "Yeah. I kinda got pretty used to it..."
I must have sounded sounded off because her amused grin faded.
"To-chan?" She entwined our fingers together just like in the past.
My eyes started to sting.
"I'm sorry. I didn't try to spend more time with you ----"
"Shinori!" Hanami interjected, beckoning her from a distance.
Great timing. I sighed. "Go"
Forcing a smile, I added: "You'd rather be with her, anyway."
I tugged my hand free and half turned. "Take care"
She sighed. :Yeah, you too, Yukina." She gave me a quick hug before I managed to walk away, then turned to leave for the other direction.
I hesitated, "Hey, Shin."
I called out and faced her.
"Yeah?" She turned to my direction.
I held her eyes with mine for the first time since that night after her confession.
"You know I love you, right?"
At that moment, I saw something different. Her face seemed to change from full confusion to complete realization. Her eyes glistened, her expression looked almost pained.
"I really do." I continued. "But that doesn't matter anymore."
I turned to leave just as tears began to brim her eyes.
"Yukina, wait."
"I just wanted to let you know before I leave." I raised my hands to admit defeat. "Goodbye, Shinori, Good Luck."
I half-turned and gave her a smile, a tear I had been forcing in, escaped.
She was crying, too.
"Don't cry. It's too late for this now." I muttered.
And with that, I walked out the school gates and out of my best friend's life.
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My phone vibrated, jolting me back to reality.
I opened the message. "Too prvcate for me to know? LOL"
"Yes, way too private," I replied, smiling to myself, then I got up from the window seat and went to bed, snuggling between the covers.
I am Skye Biyaknabato, I thought to myself. Skye Biyaknabato.
Photography Major. Second Year.
Motto: The past doesn't make or break you.
Current Status: Single, and not looking forward to mingle.
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Note: Biyaknabato is a Filipino last name.
If read literally, it means "Broken Stone"
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