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Reaver Of Souls Raziel Vice Captain
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 Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 3:27 pm
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Back by popular demand (and by popular, I mean just a few people mentioning they liked my reviews and feeding my enormous ego) I've decided to do a re-instalment of Raziel Reviews. I can feel the creative juices flowing and I'm quite ready to review some movies, good or bad. In this revamp, though, I would like to focus all my attention on the horror genre, though its not like I didn't do that with all three and a half of my movie reviews.
Anyway, I will be uploading my old reviews here for easy access and posting some new ones very quickly.
If you have forgotten, here are the rules and expectations of my thread as follows.
- All reviews are my own (and my main's) personal opinion. Just because we don't think great of a movie, it doesn't mean that is the honest to goodness truth. You can think what you want about the movie and even come in to tell us parts about said movie you liked, we may even agree with you. I don't want to here any outcries of that I'm wrong for disliking the movie and that I'm a horrible person, its not the people who watch the movie I judge, its the movie itself. I don't think any less of you for liking it.
- If a movie I review is based of a book, there's a good chance that I haven't read the book. If that is the case, don't get on my case. Only truly pretentious people believe its mandatory for everyone to read the book before watching the movie. I don't want anyone nagging me to read the book, you are fee to talk about it, just no nagging!
- Yes I think I'm smart and witty, not everyone does, but I think personally think of myself as God's gift to fangirls and many would agree with me. Still, don't set your expectations high for these reviews, I know I certainly wont. If you get a laugh or two from then, great, but if not, don't hold me responsible for your amusement.
- Most of these opinions are stemming from my main, she's just giving them through me. Think of it as she's role playing as me and writing what she thinks I would say if I watched these movies. That's why I'm her muse. Besides, its much better reading a review when you read it in my voice, don't you agree?
also 
Without further delay, here are my past reviews and you can be looking forward to more reviews in the future~
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Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 3:33 pm
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Drag me to Hell Review from January 2010
Hello and welcome to the first in instalment of Raziel's Reviews. Before we get started, I just want to warn people that I'll be linking to TVtropes a lot in this series. If there's an odd sort phrase in a link on here, chances are it leads to TVtropes, so be careful; I myself get sucked into reading articles for hours without even realizing it. Unfortunately, TVtropes - as addicting as it is - is the only place I know of that has examples of such things as Genre Savvy and Salad Fingers VS Pyramid Head
How do you like the taste of your own medicine, Kitty?
Anyway, with that warning, moving on.
Today I'll be reviewing Drag me to Hell. Drag me to hell is a 2009 horror film about a loan officer, Christine Brown (Alison Lohman) whose life is basically circling the shitter - and this is even before a curse is placed on her. Being fat as a child, she's very insecure. It doesn't help that her Boss is teasing her with a promotion that he's probably going to give to some chauvinistic a**-hat anyway, in exchange for tickets to a game, no less. Or that her boyfriend's rich parents think she isn't worth the dirt on his expensive, custom-made dress shoes. Now, you really can't help but feel sorry for this girl, she was a sad case of Failure is the only option; how was she suppose to know that refusing to extend loan of this creepy, elderly gypsy woman would end up damning her? She certainly felt sympathy for the old bird and tried to compromise, but in the end, Christine had to choose between the shiny, new promotion that would make all her current problems disappear, or extending this woman's loan, when it looked like she was going to kick the bucket in a few days anyway, regardless of what she did for her. Now, I'm not saying kicking old women out of their homes is right, but come on, overreacting much, lady? Is she going to send a metermaid to hell when he gives her a parking ticket? Or how about when they come to take her away to the old folks home? Seriously, that is way too much power for any mere mortal, let alone an old woman who's probably going senile.
And I just love the old woman's family's reaction to this poor girl. Instead of going 'Oh, sorry, forgive Nana, she isn't right in the head and she has one too many cats' they act as if Christine deserves to go to hell... um, okay, where were they when their Nana was nearly getting evicted from her house? I think Christine is just their scapegoat for neglecting the insane, old, broad; I bet she'd send even her own kids to hell because they don't call enough!
Alright, Christine does do some pretty nasty things after she's cursed to try and save her soul - like animal sacrifices - but overall she wasn't a terrible person -- a terribly annoying and shallow person, but not hell-worthy. I guess that's why the movie's motto is 'even nice people can go to hell'. It's just a scary thought, makes me want to be nicer to old people, cause who knows? Maybe one of them might send you to hell if you aren't!
Alright, straying away from the plot now, I've heard from a lot of people that they didn't like this movie because of its over-the-top gore and acting. Not to be a pretentious hypocrite, but to fully enjoy this movie, I feel you must have had to seen the Evil Dead movies first. Sam Raimi directed both Drag me to Hell and the Evil Dead trilogy and Drag me to Hell is basically a homage to those movies with its over-the-top gore (Bloody Hilarious) and sometimes terrible acting and scenes that just make you plain out go wtf (So Bad its Good)
Now, you don't have to see Evil Dead to get this movie (but if you do, I recommend Evil Dead II since it's basically a revamp of the first one) but if you do, try watching it with an open mind because some parts can get rather weird... and a bit gross...
The things that strike me most (and terrify me the most) about Drag me to Hell and Evil dead is their Uncanny Valley; Their monsters and villains seem so human-like, but you know in your gut their is something deeply wrong and creepy about them.
Now more than ever, because of drag me to hell, I realize -- I'm just plain scared of old people.
What's not to be afraid of? They smell funny, some are senile and unpredictable, even prone to fits of unprovoked rage, some are a danger on the road, and some - most terrifyingly of all - have the same libido they had when they were twenty and they think you're just yummy~
I'm just going to stop right their because I think I scared myself. Enjoy your nightmares, people. Go see these movies if any of this stuff appeals to you, I highly recommend Evil Dead II... Drag me to Hell... watch at your own discretion...
 AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
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Reaver Of Souls Raziel Vice Captain
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Reaver Of Souls Raziel Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 3:37 pm
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Last House on the Left (remake) February 2010 review
What time is it? Well, besides being far too early for my tastes, it's time for Raziel's Reviews. Yay.
As per request, today we'll be taking a look at The Last House on The Left remake.
...
Really, what movie isn't a remake these days? If it's not a remake, it's either based off of a videogame or book. I just can't wait for the Lovely Bones movie, because, you know, everyone just loved reading that during secondary school.
Alright, moving right along before you all drown in the sarcasm that's dripping off of me.
The Last House on the Left is a 2009 American horror film that follows parents Emma and John (Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn) who attempt to get revenge on a group of strangers that have taken shelter at their home, and whom they learn have shot and raped their daughter and left her for dead.
To Wikipedia's my knowledge, in the original movie, they actually kill the daughter and the parents discover this via her bloody clothes in the killers' luggage and one of the murderers wearing her daughters necklace. I find the remake's way of the parents discovering what happened to their daughter much more satisfying.
In the remake, the daughter manages to escape her assailants and shows up barely alive on her parents doorstep. They still include the necklace bit, sure, but what's great is that the girl's dad is a doctor... not that it takes a surgeon to figure out that's someone's been shot and raped, but trust me, by the end of this movie, you'll see that a doctor's vengeance is quite terrifying... yet strangely gratifying~
Not only that, but he's a father. It's not until you have little fledglings of your own that you can truly understand what's going through these parents' minds as they discover that the people staying in their home have shot and raped his little girl. Having God knows what happened to my fledglings, yes, I could relate - and by Elder God, I was baying for those monsters' blood nearly the whole entire movie. I especially got into it when you find the parents looking regardfully at sharp objects, probably just imagining how they would use them to exact their bloody vengeance of those bastards. I'm a gore-whore and a creative, vindictive mind, so yes, I enjoyed these scenes very much~
The only part I really didn't like was the rape scene. I don't know if it's just the unrated version that's like this, but really, did it have to be so long? I may not be a woman, but my main certainly is, and the first time she watched that scene, it made her squeeze her thighs together and wince. Even I was uncomfortable... then again, I get raped by PH on a regular basis, so I can empathize. So, the second time we watched it, we just skipped the scene. Although, similar to Moebius dancing around naked, what has been seen cannot be unseen.
The guild was running low on it, so look what I picked up at the store~
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Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 3:40 pm
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Silent Hill Review from February 2010
This week on Raziel's reviews, I was torn between reviewing Silent Hill and Knocked Up; considering my current condition, either one would have been fitting. Although, since I have a tendency to lean more towards the horror genre (not that watching Katherine Heigl be a pregnant b***h wasn't scary) I will be reviewing Silent Hill.
Silent Hill is a 2006 horror film. The story is an adaptation of the Silent Hill series of survival horror games created by Konami. The film follows a mother, Rose, who takes her troubled adopted daughter, Sharon, to Silent Hill, the town the girl cries out for while sleepwalking. After being knocked unconscious in a car crash outside the town, Rose awakens to find her daughter missing and the town engulfed in an alternate reality of fog and falling ash. While searching for her daughter, she faces surreal reality shifts and monstrous creatures while uncovering her daughter's connections to the town's dark secrets. While moving around the town trying to find her daughter with the help of a cop named Cybil. Rose keeps seeing her daughter everywhere even though it is not her, but a girl who looks just like Sharon though Rose has no idea why.
Now, I've been hearing mixed reviews about this movie - mostly from fans of the game series. I myself have never played any of the Silent Hill games and when I first watched this movie, I had completly forgotten it was based on a game. Can someone who is a fan of the games tell me why a lot of the other fans do not like this movie?
I certainly enjoyed the movie, even if I have never played the games. To me, that is a mark of a good game-based movie, that even people who have never played the games can enjoy it as well as understand it.
I did however recognize Pyramid Head right away and damn, he was one big, bad monster - he was like Jason Voorhees on steroids! Even his hockey mask and machete got an upgrade. I can see why he's the poster boy of an already terrifying game franchise.
But the most terrifying monster in the movie, I find, is this woman right here.
Alright, for those who haven't seen the movie already, major spoilers coming your way.
Christabella here is a cult leader, the leader of a cult that apparently burns little girls whose mothers had them out of wedlock... pardon my language, but that's ******** up, no?
Everyone knows I'm all for hating stupid, religious bigots like the Sarafan, and wow, I really hated this woman. There was a real grim satisfaction watching her getting raped by barbed wire while her followers were slaughtered like sheep all around her.
The ending was great, but at the same time, it left me a bit confused...
It took me a while to realize that Sharon, Rose, and Cybil probably all died on the road before they came to silent hill. I don't know if this is canon or if there are any other theories out there, but it seems to me that's what happened.
Before we go, my main would like to add that one thing she didn't like about the movie was seeing Cybil be burned alive... she really liked her.
 R.I.P smexy police lady
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Reaver Of Souls Raziel Vice Captain
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Reaver Of Souls Raziel Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 8:18 pm
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Time for a brand new review! Are you excited? I'm excited, and I can defiantly say I was excited when I saw the trailer for Legion. Even before I saw the trailer, the name Legion brought to my mind images of demonic possession, the eternal battle of good an evil, and the fate of all humanity and their immortal souls... the idea is done to death but by George Romero, I love it so.
Wait... there's no demons in this movie? that's odd, isn't this movie called Legion? You know, the demon from the bible? My name is Legion, for we are many - that Legion?... No? Really? Are you sure? ... well, I guess the movie can be referring to God's legion of Angels...
But why are they showing people getting possessed by demons if there are in fact no demons in this movie? ... What? Those are angels too? But how can that be? Angels are suppose to be God's divine messengers? Yeah, while they have been known to kick serious a** in the past, and correct me if I'm wrong, I don't think they've ever possessed people.
Not to mention the people they do posses look competently pure evil. Their bodies become deformed, their heads spin around, and they climb up walls like spider-man. They even have one old lady who is possessed, who asks for nearly raw meat to eat and has flies swarming all around her.
Flies. Really. Anyone who knows demonology knows that if you have flies swarming around you, its not the holy spirit you're infected with.
Its time to play 'can you spot the angel?'   If you guessed all of the above, you are corrected! And we are all totally f'd...
So is their any mention of the Devil in this movie?
Nope.
Just God and his angels raining down their holy Justice on us. That's what this movie is about, see. God gets pissed at us once more and instead of sending a flood and making all or our future generations of animals imbred, this time he send angels. We're the evil ones. Luckily its Arcangel Micheal to the rescue to save our unworthy, sinful asses. With guns...because angels use guns, don'tcha know...
The gun part wouldn't bother me so much if he clearly wasn't ripping off the terminator, I mean, come on, its so bloody obvious. Guns, leather jacket, lack of any real human emotions, and he's trying to save the kid who is the only hope for the future of mankind.
If you haven't guessed so far, I really don't like this movie. I haven't been this disappointed in a movie in a long time. It was so disappointing, I was in shock for the first few minutes after I watched it, I didn't know what to think of what I just saw.
Therefore it has been awhile since I've watched this movie, I've forgotten a lot of the story and characters -- although, really, there's not much character to of them. Each of them seems to have some kind of sob back story that's never fully explained, I guess its suppose to make you sympathize with them or something, but they never fully explain why they are like that! Has someone ever told you a joke and they have completly forgotten the punchline? Its not funny. Its just annoying! And that basically summarizes every character in this movie, they're not only jokes as characters, they're unfinished ones at that. They have no qualities that stand out about them and after spending fifteen minutes in the movie with them, you're rooting for God and the angels to destroy humanity!
Honestly, I can see what they were trying to do with this movie and it could have worked, they just didn't do a very good job of it. Every so often someone comes along with a different and interesting idea, like their idea of God not being so benevolent and Angels being more like God's warriors than his messengers. It was an interesting concept, they just weren't able to pull it off and turning angels into demons felt like false advertisement. Basically they wanted to make a zombie movie like everyone else but instead of using actual zombies they used angels. it didn't work.
Seriously, a better movie would have been having the demons look nice on the outside. Could you imagine a movie about a little kid telling his parents about gaining a guardian angel after his near death experience, then it turns out it was just the devil in disguise following him around?
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 7:00 pm
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Reaver Of Souls Raziel Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 7:32 pm
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 7:54 pm
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Reaver Of Souls Raziel Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 8:04 pm
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 8:08 pm
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Reaver Of Souls Raziel Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 8:09 pm
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 8:12 pm
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Reaver Of Souls Raziel Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 8:23 pm
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 8:29 pm
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 8:31 pm
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