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 Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 2:38 pm
Fia was not doing well.
The dark-grey cat was pacing erratically, mumbling under her breath as she surveyed the history stones set about all around her. She seemed unable to settle, her head turning this way and that, panting and distressed. Occasionally she would draw to a halt, claw at the sand as if it were prey and then launch herself at the stones. If one bothered to take a closer look they might see a number of 'swipes' that had smeared some of the pictures there. Some looked as if they had been scrubbed out altogether. Whether on purpose or by accident it was impossible to tell, but no one had been up there to see her recently, which was probably for the best.
The grief was too much. First a nephew and now a dear, dear friend. Karana'mzaana who had taught her and cared for her and adopted her as an apprentice-daughter. And to make things worse it all could have been avoided if it hadn't been for that damned huria returning home. If she had just stayed away then Mzaa would have had no reason to go galavanting around the borders, unprotected and alone. And she would have still been alive and the horrible, horrible hurt rotting in Fia's chest would not have existed.
No. Fia was not doing well at all.
She was broken.
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2012 6:19 pm
Kimi'Hakan was young. Very young still, but able to meander on her own to the slates that were not far from the keep where the other cubs were. But she didn't feel like she belonged, no, she didn't feel like she was a part of them. Something felt off, not right, and her ears were drawn close to her head, her head drooping down, she looked back and forth at the sands. No, no monsters. But a bird, she peered at the sky and for a moment her silver eyes gleamed as the kestrel bird Kessek flew overhead watching, Her sun-colored sister would keep a watch on them, that was her bird.
Yes, her bird.
Not Kimi's, she felt alone.
Like something was missing.
She knew who to look for, she had heard some stories, but there seemed to be much sadness, grief, she thought they called it, she was unsure why. Her paws dug into the sand as she pushed forward towards the slates, there she would see her.
It appeared she was already late.
Markings, not the same color as hers, they were almost reversed, mirror, she heard used as a word once so far, but not exact. But the same - broken.
It was how the cub felt..broken, pieces missing.
She crept up, belly close to the ground, and huddled by a stone she was taken to by an older brother for a brief moment. Mwako'Damu was his name, very big, gruff, very old, he seemed sort of silly. But he showed her a picture, an image, and now Kimi'Hakan huddled close to it, looking towards the dark female who seemed to have the sadness.
In the softest whisper, barely audible, her voice stretched out, trying to get the older one's attention.
"Mother?"
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Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 9:03 am
Fia jerked to awareness, spinning in the direction of the voice. Her eyes held a wild quality about them as if she were unsure even of where she was. What had she just been speaking about right now? Oh yes. How unfair life was. How much hatred there was. Death and killing and misery. Her tail whipped angrily and she laid bare her teeth as she sought the one who had interrupted her.
And then she saw it. Or rather, saw her. A little thing all bright and orange against the sand. So tiny that it would take little effort to shove her away. That would make a change. She was fed up with it being the other way around.
But what did it want? And what had it said? Mother? Her mother wasn't here and why the cub would think that she had no idea. In such the state that she was, Fia hadn't yet put two and two together. She'd not yet seen the cubs - having refused to seek them out. But now, it seemed, one had come to her and she would realise that soon enough.
"Your mother isn't here." She hissed unkindly. "Go away. I'm busy." And she turned her back again and swiped at the closest stone slab.
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 7:03 am
She was still so small, so young yet, and those words hurt her. She pursed her lips, eyes gleaming from the almost immediate tears that welled in her eyes. Even she would dismiss her? "But-" her voice still so quiet. Kimi'Hakan went to step forward, her tiny paw fitting into a large empty sand hole where this female has stepped and swiped away the sand. She was so tiny, so small, what difference could she make to make others listen?
No, no, she was stronger than that.
This had to be a test.
Right?
"No," she said softly, taking a step forward, and then, in a rash decision, ran for the female's leg and hit her forehead against the nearest forearm, thinking her small weight could make this older one listen.
"Why don't you want me? Everyone else is so sad, big brother brought me here and showed me your picture. Isn't that you?" she said pointing feebly with awkward paws to a shape on a close slate. The figure was fading, barely visible against the stone, but there was black, and red, broken pieces.
Kimi'hakan was sure it was this female...her mother. It had to be!
"He said you were away, I haven't seen you, but that is you, your picture, your my mother." She sat back into the sand, back hunched, looking at the sand below her.
"Why don't you want me?" she held up a forearm, the black markings contrasting against orange, "am I too broken?" she asked, referring to the markings. "Big brother doesn't like to look at me," though the child did not know, it was because of the wing marking that reminded Mwako'Damu of their lost mother to the lands.
"We are both broken," she said, looking to the markings on the dark female, her supposed-mother, before her, "so why don't you want me?"
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 12:32 pm
Fia's fiery irritation was growing in her, trembling down her limbs as she heard the little one's sad little pleas and turned to face her again. "No." She said at once. The thought of 'replacing' Karana'mzaana horrified her. Fia was Fia. Not Mzaa. These cubs ought to know who their mother was. There could be no pretence. No deceiving. Their true mother was dead and they would never get to know her as Fia had. And yet...and yet...
Listening to the cub's plaintive cries, she felt the hard edge of her fury soften a little. "No." She said again, taking a step back. "You're not broken." She said at last. "It's your brother who is broken."
And me. Fia thought grimly.
But why? Why had she broken and no one else? How did her sister Azar keep going? How did Nur'yu's siblings and all those who had known the both of them and loved them? Was it just that she was weak? Because she had no one to help her get past this? Ea had Vlam. Azar had Khin'del. Mother and Father had one another. But Fia was alone and bitter and gruff and who could she turn to? Tears came rushing into existence, though she immediately shoved them down. She had her work and she was learning to fight. And...and...
"I'm not your mother. That isn't my picture. Your mother is--" She faltered. Dead. But what did a child understand of death? Fia didn't even understand it. "I am Fia. So call me that." And she turned away again, leaning forwards to rest her forehead against the picture she had ruined only moments ago. Her sides heaved once as she gained control of the threatening sob.
"Your mother was Karana'Mzaana. Your brother was right. She has gone away." And she wasn't coming back.
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 5:23 pm
"Why is he broken? He won't look at me, big sister won't either, she doesn't look like anyone else, like this sand," she picked some up in her paw and threw it down. "I break others....they become sad looking at me," she said with tears in her eyes.
When the female, mother...no, Fia, kept saying no, it hurt, and she tried not to cry, but it was inevitable.
"Why did she go away, no one tells me, that fading image looks like you, I can barely see her, she looks like you," Kimi'Hakan mumbled, flopping to the sand, pushing her paws against it as if some small brute force would make things better.
"No one sees me just like she is gone," she said into her paws.
"Just like you," she huffed.
"I want to fix it, but it hurts, I feel broken," she looked to Fia, She did not appear as a medic, and perhaps none of the medics could fix her either. She had a broken family, no mother, she had gone away...but where? Why? Too naive and young to understand.
"Did I do something wrong, that I don't know, I didn't mean to," she said on the brink of more tears.
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Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2012 1:47 pm
"It might look like me but that's only because its faded." Fia stressed, jutting out her jaw and folding back her ears. It did anger her, however, that her elder siblings were being that way. What was wrong with them? If she'd been up to it perhaps she might have gone and slapped Mwako and--shoved Nakama off of a cliff (though the desert seemed to lack that particular geographical feature).
"You didn't do anything wrong so stop getting weepy." Her voice came out a little harsh. "Your mother went away because she is dead. She died." But how to explain death to someone so young? "She didn't go away because she wanted to. She got hurt and she---she stopped breathing and..." She choked back her own welling grief and stamped into the sand as if trying to crush it beneath her paw. "She's gone and she's not coming back."
So everyone had to deal with it.
But that was easier said than done.
She reached up angrily to swipe at her eyes with a paw and turned away again, sitting down on the sand and sweeping her tail around her. Maybe the cub would go away now that she had her answer.
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Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2012 7:15 pm
Kimi'hakan looked to Fia and listened, her ears back. She huffed, puffed her cheeks out as she blew out a hrash breath. Died, what did, dieded mean...not coming back, stop breathing? Kimi tried to hold her breath, but spat out and took an influx of air quickly. How would that happen? Her mother didn't want to...the monsters her brother spoke of.
"The monsters took her away, didn't they?" her voice asked, she slumped into the sand, near Fia, and pushed sand in Fia's direction. "I woulda helped her," but she didn't remember any monsters. "I'd fight them good," she said with a little naive confidence.
She peered to the pictogram of her mother, faded, and got up, walked to the slate and looked at it. She looked to the colors that were not far up, and took a step towards Fia.
"I did not mean to make you have sadness too," she said looking at the ground.
"Can you help me, help me fix it?"
She placed a paw on the stone again, but could not reach up to where her mother's faded image was. "She is gone, I won't know my mother, but she is not gone either, I don't want it to go away completely, so she can still be here...so I can see her," though Kimi knew, though it was a strange sadness, hurt feeling, she'd never really see her mother.
She'd never really hear her voice.
"Please?"
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Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2012 1:32 pm
I'd fight them good.
That's what Fia had wanted to do. But how could they? There were no battles. No nothing. Just sneak attacks dotted here and there. Nothing to work with. No way to know where they were going to happen. She had charged off to find them but she may have wandered for weeks without seeing a single one. And then, weak and tired, they'd pick her off with ease and Mzaa and Nur'yu would be left unavenged. She'd been such an idiot and to make things worse, she probably owed Azar'bijan her life...
Her ear lifted in the direction of the little one as she crossed over to the stones but she kept her eyes averted. "You didn't make me sad." She said, perhaps a little sharply. She had made herself sad when her anger had gotten her nowhere.
Fix it?
Fix what?
Oh--
She had turned to look. Saw the cub reaching up to the spot where her mother's image was fading - worn from the sandy wind - and felt her heart clench anew. If Karana'mzaana's picture was left to fade, how would she be remembered?
"I'll...fetch the colours." Was all she said, getting back up onto her paws - joints creaking - and turning away.
But the cub could be rest assured that she would be back.
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Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2012 7:48 pm
Kimi'Hakan looked to Fia, and when Fia said she did not make Fia sad, she had a half smile upon her face. Half happy, for making no sadness here, but half sad, for having sadness of no mother to return home.
As Fia said she would fetch colors, Kimi'Hakan's eyes shone bright in the suniight. Bright silver, as her mother's and she looked to Fia as she walked, and back to the stone, reaching up.
Even now, she could not touch her...she never truly would. But the features on the cub's face softened.
"She will help me see you mother," she said, leaning her head against the stone, closing her eyes. "We will not forget."
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