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 Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 6:24 pm
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 7:26 pm
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He felt unwell.
It was not so much the Insanity (though that was a significant part of it) so much as the fact that he did not yet understand what it was that he wanted out of his own life. His state of mind had been compromised for so long that all of his thoughts had begun to blur into one another, melting into nothing but black and grey streaks inside of his head. It had become difficult to decipher such thoughts, and Mengyao had not ever had the strength to try.
There was only one thought, however, that was relatively clearer than the others - one thought that he had pushed away for so long that it had become buried beneath the voices and the darkness. But recent events had had him pull it forward out of his subconscious, and now he was plagued by such things.
He could not handle this anymore. It ate at him, clawed at him dug into his stomach and his heart, slid through his veins, grabbed at his chest until it felt difficult to breathe, difficult to think, difficult to exist.
Which was why he went looking for her.
Mengyao had not intended to do so at first, but his feet seemed to be carrying him even as his mind ran in endless circles, whispers pressing against his skull at a high pressure that gave him a headache. He knew the path to her dwelling without needing a map. Dressed in simple, flowing blue robes, his hair loose about his shoulders without any of its usual adornments.
He swayed slightly where he stood in front of her door, closed his eyes, and breathed deeply, shakily, his throat feeling dry, shoving aside the unpleasant whispers crawling in his head.
"L -" A cough, a dry rasp, escaped his throat. "Lifen."
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 7:51 pm
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She had heard the footfalls early on, wondering who had come to visit her at such an evening. Most at this time were either night hunters who willingly kept themselves in the trees, and those who were lost in the darkness. She did not expect either to suddenly find themselves at her doorway, so she paused in her workings, mis-matched eyes watching the doorway, expecting something to come through.
When it did not, though, after a moment, her eyebrows furrowed as she went to stand nearer to her door. It took a long moment further before a rather tall shadow showed up at her doorway - his voice breaking through the silence and making her freeze up, unsure what to do, at first.
She was still unhappy with how he had treated her recently, or well, the lack there of, and it kept her there, frozen for a moment, uncertain how to continue . . . but she was the stronger one. She would not hold back - just think of the things she and the other Noble talked about.
Sighing softly, she willingly opened the door, looking at him quickly - he was just ask Lan said - he looked like half the man he was. His proud gait was missing and he looked so tired. But a deep seeded feeling inside of her bubbled, and giving him another dry look, she couldn't help the words that grasped her mind.
"You have remembered that I exist, then?" She quipped. She couldn't help it, she was feeling . . . hurt. Hurt for him, and hurt that he had left her, but seeing him like this, she hurt that he was like this. "What can I do for you?" She offered, standing back and opening the door fully. She would not reject him.
She couldn't.
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 9:21 pm
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Her voice made him stiffen, Mengyao's eyes fluttering a little. He felt rather unsteady on his feet, but he also felt that he could not take the time to put off what needed to be done. His face, which was a great deal paler than normal, felt slightly clammy, as though he were suffering from some sort of sickness, though the only affliction was one that could not be healed with time and remedies.
When she opened the door, her face was impassive; a sight that made Mengyao breathe inwards sharply, dragging a shaking breath from his throat. It was Lifen, but it was not Lifen, not the Lifen that he had once known. There was something much more confident about her; a stronger air of sorts, the way she held herself was different, higher, prouder.
And her hair was short.
Despite that - despite the shocking difference, there was something in her eyes that belied the cool confidence: a deep seated darkness that Mengyao knew he was responsible for, and it made his stomach churn unpleasantly, his fingers trembling beneath the draping sleeves of his robes.
"Yes, I..."
He stopped, swallowed, and tried again, his voice hoarse.
"I just wanted to...to speak with you," he said finally, lamely, using every bit of strength to push aside the voices shouting inside of his skull, keeping them at bay for as long as he could.
"That is...if you will allow me to."
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 9:32 pm
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Seeing him like this hurt her, deep down, a sadness starting to form a bit in the pit of her chest, something she disliked feeling. Where was the man she had been next to since forever? He was in front of her, but he felt like a shell - like someone had forcebly removed Mengyao from his own body.
She allowed it to overwhelm the anger and hurt that he had left her, but only for a short bit, going to lightly regard him, sighing very softly. If she were to turn him away now, she would hurt him (and herself,) worse than she could ever mean to. Lifen decided to allow him to talk.
"I will not reject you, Mengyao." She finally answered, some of the bitter edge subsiding from her voice momentarily, giving him a look over. "Please come inside, also, I do not want you out there . . ." she trailed, offering her home to him.
"Do not hesitate to talk, alright?" She bartered, feeling a pit of worry start to open again.
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 9:36 pm
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Her voice filled him with both sadness and pleasure simultaneously, and then guilt, because he did not deserve that pleasure, not after how he had treated her. He had thought it was necessary, thought that pushing her away meant keeping her safe - and maybe it did, maybe if he distanced himself he would not have to make her watch him descend even further than he already had.
He was not certain he could bear seeing her sad.
"I..." said Mengyao, and then stopped, pressing his lips together. Obediently he followed her into her little dwelling, like a tamed creature (though he was far from it), and stood awkwardly inside, his fingers slowly curling into his palms and then uncurling every few seconds.
"You..." he started, and then stopped, swallowed, and tried yet again (this was far more difficult than he had imagined it would be).
"Are you well?" said Mengyao finally, licking his lips, which felt dry and cracked beneath his tongue. "That is to say...have you been well?"
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 9:46 pm
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Has she been well?
What a loaded question. Her eyebrows furrowed and she tried to mull the question in her head a few times as she closed her door, hands lightly resting on the knob. It was times like this where she wish she had hair still, so she could hide behind it.
"That is a complicated question," She started, sighing a little, looking down at paled hands on the door. "I have been . . . lost." She started, before turning around again, giving him a withered look. "Everything I have been used to was suddenly ripped away from me. I wish I could say that I am fine, but I feel like I have lost something very personal to me." she mulled, eyebrows furrowing a little, a spark of discord in her eyes.
"You do not understand how hard it is to hear your closest person has renounced you, after having gone missing after a month, even more now."
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 9:52 pm
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Her words hit him like a slap in the face.
They weren't loud, nor were they particularly harshly said, but the weight behind them was enough to push past Mengyao's already crumbling defenses and sink into his skin like needles. He flinched visibly, inhaling a sharp breath, and took a step back, closing his eyes tightly as though to block out the world.
But then he opened them again, because hiding would do no good. Hiding would not get him anywhere in life, nor would it get him to where he wanted to be. He might not know where that was, but doing nothing would get him in no direction at all.
He could see the frustration and pain in her eyes, and the guilt slid through him like ice in his veins.
"L - " A cough, a clearing of his dry throat, his voice raspy and low. "Lifen, I am...I am sorry." Another cough, another word lost. "I am sorry for how I have...not come to you...as of late."
His words felt inadequate. He felt inadequate.
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 10:01 pm
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A part of Lifen wanted to sincerely accept that sorry, seeing how hard it was for him to come out with it. The other, somewhat more strongly fueled side, knew that she had to get this out of her. This transition of thought was only visually recognizable by a flicker of her glances, a sigh out of her nose.
"What hurt me the most was finding out that I had been abandoned in favour of another." She said, boldly, turning her head from him, feeling a flush of frustration show on her face, grasping the door knob a little.
"During the battle against the .. Hunters, with Death," she trailed a little, shaking her head, "it was obvious that you had changed your interests, Senga seemed to offer more solace than I did." She hated to admit it, but she couldn't stop the words from coming out now. She, also, could not hate the little wolf, he had been a friend to her.
"Have I truly lost my place, Mengyao?" She finished, asking him a question laced with hurt in her voice. She could see how she was affecting him, but Lifen was harmed too by this sudden change, and if she didn't let it out, it would have threatened to engulf her.
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 10:08 pm
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He wanted to explain, wanted to let her know why it was that he had not wanted to see her - no, Mengyao amended, it was not that he had not wanted to see her, it was that he had not wanted her to see him, not the way he was now. Even now, at this moment, he wished he were elsewhere so that she would not have to watch his own selfish pain.
"...I had been abandoned in favour of another."
Everything in Mengyao's mind seemed to stop. He blinked at her, taken aback, and opened his mouth to say something, anything, though whatever it was would most likely be useless - especially considering that what she said was not entirely untrue, though it was not what she thought it was.
"That..." he said, and he felt raw, unhinged. The voices pressed against his skull, the pressure almost unbearable, and Mengyao resisted the urge to close his eyes again. He needed to focus, he needed to explain so he would not have to see that look on her face ever again.
He could not handle the look of hurt that was made clear in her eyes and the flush on her cheek.
"It is not...what it seems," he said finally, and his voice cracked, just a little, like dry twigs. "Senga, he...he is not you, he was not ever meant to replace you."
This time he did close his eyes, his voice a faint whisper.
"There is no one in this world who can replace such a person as you, Lifen."
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 10:15 pm
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 10:19 pm
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He felt as though he were drowning.
"Because I - "
The words would not come properly, dying in his throat before they left, and there was a slightly wild look to Mengyao's eyes, a pleading sort of desperation for her to understand, for her to realize that he could not let her be pulled into the blackness with him.
And then he reached out as though he could no longer control himself, dragged her towards him, and kissed her, his mouth firm and heavy against hers, his fingers sliding through her newly shortened hair, down her cheek and against her neck, feeling the pulse that beat beneath her fragile skin.
But then he let go almost as quickly as he had held on and took a step back, breathing deeply as he shook his head. He lifted a hand to his lips, pressing the back of it against his mouth, and the look in his eyes was a pained one, Mengyao taking a deep breath before he lowered his hand, tucking it into his other sleeve.
"I did not want you to become like me."
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 10:39 pm
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Somewhere in all the madness, Lifen realized that Mengyao had started kissing her, barely catching his words and the glance he gave her, the feeling of his hands in her hair, down her neck, and heat of the blush burning her face, like wildfire.
But, like that, it was gone again, leaving her feeling a little star-struck as she tried to recover herself, looking at the Nobleman as he retracted from her, placing his hand over his mouth, making her eyebrows raise, wondering if she had done something wrong in the rush of it all. Anger started to subside, and the discord she felt earlier, muddling in the sudden change.
"Be-become like you?" She murmured finally when she felt her mind starting to set again, blinking lightly. "What have you become?" She asked, quietly, knowing the question was too innocent.
"Mengyao . . . " she trailed, feeling a sudden wrenching feeling in her heart. "You have only changed because you allowed yourself to do so. You gave in." She offered to him, head tilting to the side, a sad look covering her stunned blush, lightly offering her hand out a little, hoping to coerce him.
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 10:44 pm
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What have you become?
It was a simple question, but at the same time, it was not one that Mengyao could have answered easily, nor was it one that he even knew where to start. He was not the man whom he had once been; gone were the days where he had kept himself as such a proud member of the Conquest Clan, a confident Noble of the High Court.
Gone were the days where he could look at himself and understand that what he saw was who he was.
"...dirty," he whispered, and shook his head, not accepting the hand that she offered to him, not wanting to taint her with the darkness that surrounded him like a black cloud, that pressed in on all sides like it was going to choke the life out of him, suffocate him in its intensity. "I am not...I am not - "
He couldn't finish what he wanted to say, what he needed to say. And Lifen was right, as always; he had given in, because there was no other path to take, no other footsteps to follow. Lifen's face was flushed pink, her eyes kind, with a kindness that he did not deserve.
He was at the very bottom now.
"I...cannot..." said Mengyao and tried to breathe normally, though his chest felt tight. "I cannot let you be where I am. I cannot let - let this - this affliction of mine seize you like it has taken me."
He felt almost panicked, desperate.
"I cannot let you be swallowed whole by it as I have been."
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Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 10:52 pm
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It was so obvious, how much this disease of the heart and mind wreaked havoc on him. After a moment of waiting, she knew he was not going to accept her hand, so, she lightly placed it at her side again and took some steps from what seperated them, giving him a soft look over.
"I do not see what you see." She only started, lightly raising the hand again when she was in touching distance of him again, touching his chest lightly. "You are not dirty, I--" she trailed a bit, sighing. "I am in the same place as you are. I still have the thoughts, the whispers. I hurt too - you have no idea how often I lie awake because I am being eaten away, mentally - more so since you had been gone. Some days, it takes everything for me not to allow myself become victim to it." She confided, so quietly that it was barely vocal.
"Having someone who I cherish to care for is my strength against it. I do not think I will ever be where you are but . . . she trailed again, looking down at the hand on his chest, patting it lightly. "I still want to help you find a way out of it. You are not the same Mengyao from before, but it does not mean you cannot be yourself.
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