|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 1:53 pm
 |
|
|
 |
Let Me Tell You Everything
Mood: None, if that's humanly possible
Now Playing: Running Up That Hill - Placebo
Before I go into great detail about myself, let me start by saying this journal isn't meant to be anything more than an exercise in constancy on my part. Having left many of my hobbies behind in favor of a rotten job and confined living quarters, I'm trying to get back into the habit of doing something, anything, to make me feel like I can still pull off productivity. The following will no doubt waver in tone depending on many things, but for the most part these entries will not be briming with excitement or enthusiam. If my previous writings are any indication this journal will be a tome of overthinking and drunken misadventures. Also, it's been a while since I've actually written so my grammar, spelling, punctuation, and everything else might be a little heinous.
Right, then. Let me tell you a little bit about myself.
At the time of this entry I am a recent graduate of university (BA psychology). I've been working the same job for the past four years; a cashier at a retail store in the neigbouring city. I am trying and failing to obtain a licence to drive my soon to be road legal shitbox of a Sunfire. For now, it takes 45 minutes to get to work and 45 minutes to get home. I love my job that much. Hell, I love it so much that I've been living in a room at my father's house in order to get said bus. I was living with my mother and her boyfriend, but they decided to move out to the boonies. It was a quick decision that neither of them could afford.
When I'm not working a low paying, thankless job my a** is usually parked squarely in front of the computer in an ongoing effort to distract myself from everything I'm too afraid to try and change. I'm a weekend drinker/toker. When I'm working, I smoke half a pack a day. I have ulcerative colitis and have been battling depression for years. I buy makeup I'm too impatiant to apply. My living space consists of two piles of clothes, a ton of nail polish, stationary, and a lot of used books. I read, listen to music, rewatch episodes of shows I've seen too many times, track the Columbine tag (thanks, psychology) on Tumblr and follow Jay Baruchel's Twitter. I've been single for an embarressingly long time thanks to three consecuative and miserable relationships. There is not one thing I could tell you about my life that isn't just a little sad.
Let's leave on the self-pity note, because I've run out of things to write in this silly attempt at a self introduction. Comments are welcome but not expected. This is pretty much for my own indulgence since I've long ago lost my LiveJournal password.
-mSlMD
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 10:25 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 5:58 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 5:59 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 28, 2013 6:37 pm
|
|
|
|
Red Thursday
Mood: Comfortable, relaxed but sickly
Now Playing: Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks
I have no idea when Red Thursday became a thing. It's not enough to have Black Friday, we need two days where people go batshit insane. I've never seen so many people in the store at once. Hell, I didn't know there were so many people in our little city. We're just a small store compared to others, so I weep for anyone who has to work retail in a megastore of a massive city. Just the thought makes me physically ill.
To be honest, I've gotten to a point in my job where I don't care as much as I use too. We all have to make money to survive, I know, but I've gone past worrying about anything that's beyond my control. Our management has gotten rid of two cash registers for reasons unknown, so we could be lined up to next Thursday and I wouldn't stress in the least. People can get as angry as they want and I turn apathetic. I'm not getting paid enough to endure the nonsense new ownership has put on us in the past 6 months.
However, today was a horrible day. Busy busy busy, but that wouldn't have bothered me so much if I wasn't sick and constantly holding back a retch while stuck on cash. I called off yesterday but there was no way I would have been able to report off today (or tomorrow, or Saturday) because we don't have any staff over the weekend to cover. For this reason, you're guilted into working while feeling like Hell. If it had been any other day of the week I would have stayed in bed.
Last night was a wind/rain storm that kept up for the entirety of the night. Not only were the wind and rain drops (the size of horses, it sounded like) hitting my side of the house, but the window in my room rattles. The window is right beside my head. Outside that window is a tree. By 2:30am without a wink of sleep I wandered the house looking for a place to sleep. The only room that wasn't whistling and shaking was the storage room. I took out a couple chairs, grabbed my blankets along with a couple shirts, and slept on the damn floor for three hours. To add insult to injury that room hasn't been vacuumed since the Berlin Wall came down. When I woke up, I could barely breathe and barely move. I'm sure the dust bunnies added to the nausea, and the stress of sleeping half the amount of time I had to work on one of the busiest days of the year didn't help.
To quote a lady I work with, "Mama told me there'd be days like this."
So, that was my horrendous endeavourer of a day. I slept for 4 hours when I got home, and thankfully I'm not working again until 3pm. I'm hoping to feel a lot better by then. I'll try to stay up for a few more hours before passing out for the night. I'm enjoying the last of my hot chocolate and halfway through my novel . Nothing to do but relax and concentrate on feeling better. <3
-mSlMD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Nov 29, 2013 10:35 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Nov 29, 2013 7:06 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 7:03 pm
|
|
|
|
Tell Me What You Know About The Night Terrors
Mood: A wee bit down in the dumps
Now Playing: Hayloft - Mother Mother
For the last few nights I've been having very vivid dreams, some of them very disturbing. When I was younger it would be nothing for me to wake up two or three times a night from nightmares, but ever since we moved out of the apartment they haven't been a problem. I kept a dream diary for a few years but I haven't been keeping true to it as of late. That's something I have to get back into the habit of, especially since I have the computer here. It's so much easier to type them out as soon as I wake up than grope around for a pen and give myself cramps bending around my bed to write (I am not affluent enough to own a goddamn desk).
A dream I can still remember well from a couple nights ago is one that doesn't seem too disturbing but was horrifying to me. I was on my way up a long dirt pathway through the woods that I frequent in my dreams when a girl I knew back in middle school came up to me out of nowhere. She had a helmet and an ATV farther up the path. She told me that I had to walk her back to the main road. She couldn't go ATVing any more because every time she went up the path a woman would be standing in the trees staring at her. Whenever she got close to the woman the girl would be overcome with fear and paranoia, even though she knew the woman wouldn't hurt her. I agreed to walk with her.
Later on, when I woke up and fell back to sleep for the first time that night, I was behind the elementary school just behind my house. A few people that I work with were with me. We were walking through the field in the back when suddenly it got very dark. On either sides of the field, and right behind the school's rear doors, were dark figures. One was a girl who had purple hair and 'hipster' clothing. They were all standing very still, staring at the ground, except for this girl. As we walked across the field to get to the front of the school she would do the Slenderman thing (every time I looked back she was closer but I never saw her move). I said something to one of my co-workers and she told me to ignore them. I was horrified.
I'm not into new age psychology or any of that, but I do believe that dreams can have meaning. A reoccurring theme in my dreams is venomous snakes. I've realized that every time a snake appears in my dreams it means that I am feeling distrust or paranoia. The school's field appears a lot too, usually as a dangerous and scary place that is so close to home (I cross the field every night I have to walk home from the bus stop). I really want to start up my dream diary again. Some of my dreams are so linear and vivid that I could make short stories out of them.
Ahh, I need hobbies.
-mSlMD
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 11:09 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Dec 14, 2013 5:11 am
|
|
|
|
With Friends Like These...
Mood: Depressed and angry
Now Playing: Come Together -covered by- Joe Cocker
I think I have to get away for a little while.
The past few weeks have been awful in general. I've been sick for what feels like an eternity. I haven't been able to get any Christmas shopping done because I've been either too tired (low b12) or too sick to go to the stores after work. I had to leave work early today because I was throwing up for two hours straight. Every few days I wake up like I've drank a quart of tequila the night before; I'm nauseous, throwing up, shaking, swaying on my feet, headaches... I don't know what's been going on with me but I have a rotten feeling that it has something to do with my medication.
Or stress.
A friend of mine recently was dumped by her boyfriend. I felt bad for her, I really did. It was her first real relationship and she didn't take the breakup too well. Notice how I said felt. I tried my best to be there for her. I'm a very stoic person but I like to think I'm a good listener and confidant. The other day she had to nerve to ask me if he's asked me to hang out with him. We have a few mutual friends that we would spend weekends with, but now that she's not dating the other fella I don't have any reason to see them. One of the friends asked me to hang out over the weekend but I didn't. She got wind of it and now she's accusing me of wanting her ex, following it up with "you can hang out with whoever you want". I am too f-cking old for this sh-t. I have no interest in her ex, or his friends. They've caused me more grief than the crowd I was with at the age of 13.
That's friend #1. Friend #2 is more of an aquaintance. She's being taken to court by her ex over custody of their daughter. I told her that I would help her in any way I could, even write up a reference, but now she's telling me that it would be better if I testified in court. I'm sure as hell not going to get the time off work for that (it's right before Christmas), and that's not something I feel comfortable doing.
To top that off, I went home to my mother's place for the first time in a month. I techniquely still live there but without a car I mostly stay at my father's house. They insulated every room in the house except mine. They took the blinds off my window and replaced them with broken blinds that don't close. She gave me a heater to put in my room that's caught fire before and mostly blows cold air. I spent the whole night shivering and woke up with cramps. I know I'm not a kid anymore, but when they do stuff like that it's hard to believe all that "we miss you, come home more often" jazz. This was after they replaced my twin bed with a queen bed that takes up 3/4 of my room. Half my sh-t is piled in front of my closet because there is nowhere else to put it.
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
I just had to get that out. I know this stuff really shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but piled on to being sick, it gets right on my tits.
Anyway, on a slightly happier note I found a novel at home that I forgot I had. I completely neglected my reading this year and yet I've bought about 10 used books over the past few months. Used books and stationary are my non-sexual fetish. I think I may curl up with a book for the rest of the night. I've been watching The Boondocks for the past two hours and the computer screen is starting to melt my eyes.
-mSlMD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 18, 2013 12:31 pm
|
|
|
|
Coming to Terms
Mood: Sad but hopeful
Now Playing: Clean and Sober - Anya Marina
After missing a substantial amount of work due to what I have been referring to as 'dry hangovers', I spent four hours at outpatients to be told I'm not pregnant and to take Gravol. I had gone over every possible physical condition that might be causing it, and when I got a clean bill of health from the doctor at emergency I realized that I had to consider another condition that I've been ignorantly putting aside for years.
Escitalopram belongs to the group of medications called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). It is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). It works by increasing levels of a neurotransmitter called serotonin in the brain. Increased serotonin levels can lead to an improved mood. -http://chealth.canoe.ca
I went to see my family doctor this morning and told him that my physical symptoms might be due to an anxiety disorder. He used a questionaire to evaluate me, and to my horror (but not really surprise) he said I seem to be suffering from severe anxiety coupled with relatively high depression. I picked up my first prescription for Cipralex this morning.
I've always known that I've been having problems with depression. I have been since I was 13. Councillors and therapists have been no help over the years, but I've always been the kind of stubborn person who believed that I could overcome it without any help. The anxiety is what finally made me take the plunge and ask my doctor for medication. Ever since I've been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis it's been getting worse but this month, for the first time, it's been seriously intervering with my daily life. I've been missing time from work, getting physically sick and noticably irritable, jittery, and withdrawn.
In part, I guess the reason I've been avoiding medication is because I was brought up in a household where mental disorders were considered to be the fault of the person suffering. If I'm moody, I should be able to control it. If I'm trembling, I'm cold or drinking too much caffeine. If I'm worried, I have to breathe. If you have to go on medication you shouldn't be able to function at all. That mentality, I'm ashamed to admit with my $35000 psychology degree, had rubbed off on me. I've tried everything to control the way I feel and nothing has helped.
So, I start taking the pills tonight. They will either make me sleepy or restless for the first couple of days but that should wear off once my body gets use to them.
We're in the middle of our second snow storm here so I'm stuck in the house for the rest of the day. I guess I'll spend my evening reading and making Christmas cards if I can keep my hands steady. If not, there's always Netflix. Wish me luck <3
-mSlMD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Dec 29, 2013 9:02 am
|
|
|
|
Quick Thought - Resolutions
Mood: Motivated but immobile *cough*
Now Playing: Heavy Horses - Jethro Tull / Vincent - Don McLean
I've long ago given up on New Years Resolutions. I don't think there's one that I actually kept over the past 5 years. I've decided not to make a list of promises to myself that I know I'll forget come February, but take a look at old habits I had that use to make me happy. Most of them are silly and small, but after starting the meds I realized just how little I've been doing since the anxiety and depression took hold. Lately I haven't been finding my usual recreational hobbies fufilling (mainly because they involve drinking with friends and watching reruns of TV shows I've seen so many times).
So, here's a little list of things I want to get back into the habit of doing:
1. Photoshop. I use to be boss at photoshop. I'd plan out little projects in advance and make them later on in the day. I miss doing that.
2. Hunting for scrapbooking supplies. I love crafty things but I'm poor, so I use to keep an eye out for cheaper substitutes for things Micheal sells. Second hand stores, dollar stores, sales, ect. I miss having a stockpile of craft supplies.
3. Making lists of books and movies to find, and keeping track. It seems dumb but even forcing myself to concentrate on a movie has been hard for me. I found an old planner from high school where I'd write in a list of movies to watch, and what day I'd watch them. Same for books. It made me feel a little more goal oriented.
4. Make more of an effort on my appearance for no one's sake but my own.
5. Get back into gaming. An ultimate time waster, I know, but I miss it so much.
6. Get back into writing.
7. Budget my money.
8. Take more pictures...
I just want to feel happy again. I don't want to change myself, just rediscover who I am.
-mSlMD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Feb 17, 2014 5:58 pm
|
|
|
|
Out of the Black
Mood: Coming out of a fog
Now Playing: Chop Suey - System of a Down
I've been letting this diary thread slide ever since my birthday, after which I sunk into a serious depressive state. The pills I've been taking serve more for my anxiety than anything. I still suffer from depressive episodes but this was the worst. It's like I was ready to just give up living; not in a suicidal way, more in a completely appathetic way. It was something I haven't experienced before and it was genuinely frightening for me. For weeks I became the anti-social sloth that I've been fighting against becoming since I dated one for two years.
Anyway, let me try to explain why I slipped.
.
For the last two years, my group of friends have hosted a "triforce" party since three of us have birthdays very close to each other. These parties were always a blast. At the end of the year, the group pretty well disbanded due to break ups and a bit of the old drama. I stuck to my bitches, so to speak, and it's been the four of us girls hanging out for a while. When it came time for the usual triforce party we decided to rent a hotel room.
This could have worked. Sounds fun, eh? It could have been. One of the girls made the decission to invite a guy to the hotel whom none of us had met and turned into a total jack off. The worst thing about splitting on a hotel room with people is that there is no bail out. You leave and you lose money. We all spent a very frustrating and uncomfortable night in a bed we had to pay for. The breakfast was fantastic, that's the only good I can say.
Ah, before that there was Christmas night. Coming home to my mother's boyfriend sloshed and bleeding everywhere. The dumb f-k cut his foot and thumb with a knife, would not go to the hospital or even tell us how he did it. He later got even more wasted and screamed at my mother for the whole night, in between breaking things in the basement and threatening to leave. Call me a monster but that night I prayed to God that he would just get in the car and drive off a cliff. I've visited them twice since Christmas and only because I needed to pick something up from the house. That incident was followed directly by our store's hours being mutilated by the big man trying to save a few dollars. With barely any shifts and weather being atrocious the last while I was stuck inside with nothing to do but play Diablo 3 and try to ignore the issue of bills and sh-t.
To add insult to injury I was hit with the mother of all flus over the weekend so I lost 9 hours of work. Not to mention, you know, flopping around bed for three days like Renton in Trainspotting. My ribs still hurt from coughing and I can finally breathe through my nose again.
It's been a while since I've written anything personal, to be honest. It feels nice to get that off my chest. Once I get back to my semi-healthy self I'll try to use my off time a little more productively, like looking for a second job or another job. All I've been doing the past week has been playing D3 and watching Twin Peaks.
-mSlMD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2014 2:54 pm
|
|
|
|
Dull is the Day
Mood: Bored to tears
Now Playing: Predator -by- Carnivore
I haven't updated in so long. I wish I could say it's because of a busy schedule or a drastic life change, but in reality Diablo has held my attention for the past month and a half. Now, thanks to Blizzard's incompetent service, the latency and lag has been so bad that it's unplayable. According to the forums I'm not the only one who's been having issues since the beginning of March, and yet there has been no effort to fix these problems. So much for buying the expansion pack.
My sad obsession aside, everything's been pretty well the same. Hours at work are still abysmal to say the least. I'll have to cut back on what little spending I actually do (weekend outings and cigarettes, mostly). I'm finally getting back into my reading habits. I'm so behind on my reading goal for the year that it makes me depressed. Ever since I've been out of school I've been having fantasies of writing in coiled scribblers again. After having so much free time on my hands I miss taking classes. I won't be able to apply until around July so that gives me some time to find a program I really want to take.
We might be getting a couple kitties. The store where I work took in two cats for mousing, but with the summer coming the staff is afraid that they may get outside. That and one of the cats keeps getting respiratory infections from all the dust and sh-t around where they sleep. I seem to be the only person in the store that doesn't already have animals or kids. I'm not getting my hopes up (the owner is a major douche and will probably adopt them out behind our backs), but it would be nice to have pets again. It would give me a sense of responsibility and a reason to come home. That and they are so precious, I can't imagine them going to a stranger.
Just finished watching The Guild on Netflix, and now I can't find anything to do. My friends have been kind of flighty lately but, to be honest, I'm not overly surprised. My bestie has been moving over the past week. She's too proud to ask for help so I hope she's doing okay. She's moving out to the ghetto, but it's a good sized house and it's closer to her work and daycare. I'm really happy for her. My weekend buddy has the flu so this was my first sober weekend in a long time (I'm ashamed to say). The last few hangouts were spent at her place, hitting the pipe and watching cartoons. It's nice to stay in every once in a while but I was hoping we could go out this weekend, since our plans got botched the last time we were suppose to hang with people.
Whatever, now I'm just moaning.
I'll make a little more of an effort to update. The inflation has me a little disenchanted with Gaia lately, but I'm still determined to get the 10000 post achievement. Until next time!
-mSlMD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 7:25 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
