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 Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 12:02 pm
Just a Rush
When I feel you I feel a rush,
Of emotions from your touch.
When I look,
I feel a hook,
of pain.
When we touch,
I feel better,
but when we press our lips together,
I feel pain.
For,
You belong to someone else,
and what we're doing is wrong.
So go,
It's just a rush.
I'll be sitting here,
But it's better here,
because your with them.
And I was just the stem,
of your marvelous flower.
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Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 2:28 am
I won't pretend to be good at poetry, because I'm not, but here's a couple of pointers:
1. You don't need punctuation at the end of each line, you can just leave it to run on (enjambment).
For example, here:
'When I feel you I feel a rush,
Of emotions from your touch.'
Would probably be better as:
When I feel you I feel a rush
Of emotions from your touch.'
because 'when I feel you I feel a rush, of emotions from your touch' is grammatically incorrect, but 'when I feel you I feel a rush of emotions from your touch' is not.
Of course, there is a little thing called poetic liscence so it's up to you.
2. You appear to be using the rule of having a capital at the beginning of each line, but not using it at the same time. You have to choose one, because you shouldn't have a sentence with a capital in the middle of it (where there's not a proper noun) if you're not using that rule.
Personally, I say without that.
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Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 4:57 pm
Well, I'll say it bluntly, but it wasn't great. Wasn't bad either, but wasn't great. Ok, that out of the way, I only had two problems with the poem. One, was that you seemed to try and force your rhymes, rather than just let it keep going. The second, were the little lines. For example:
When I look,
I feel a hook,
of pain.
I found this cut into the flow of the poem way too much. It went nicely for the two first lines, and then blocked there. And you did that at a few parts.
Now, for the good news. I must say, you did have great imagery. I really did like the way you described most of the feelings and all that jazz.
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 7:22 am
To me, it seems that I'm agreeing with the posts above me. I thought the poem was honestly a little forced; like you had an idea for something, but then thought it would be better as a rhyming scheme. This is a poem I believe would flow better without the rhymes.
Example:
When I look,
I feel a hook,
of pain.
Could be changed to something like this:
When I look,
I feel a stab (or grip if you wanted to use it in this context as well because it works too.)
of pain.
Also, the whole doing half of the poem with capitals at the beginning and then half of them in lower case at the beginning, it's mixing of rules. Choose one way or another, ok?
The good news for all of this? The imagery works rather well, but I believe that it is the word choice that you are using that kind of throws me off.
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Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 3:53 pm
It's a decent poem, worthy of publication in a school magazine or something like that, but it could use a little bit of work. The above posts have covered all of the bases that I wanted to mention except for one, and that one base has nothing to do with the quality of the poem. I just think that the whole 'forbidden love' thing is a little bit tired. It started being that way not long after Will wrote "Romeo and Juliet". At least, in my book.
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Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 12:56 pm
I love it!
Beautiful!
Wow!
___________________/
( rofl , I arrange everything like poetry! . mrgreen .)
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:48 am
It seems well written, but I find the content to be a bit... not to my liking.
I think that if you really love the guy then you should just steal him away from the other girl. If you don't love the guy, then you should shoo him away like the sex craved puppy that he is.
Attitudes like that cause problems.
I know that this post violates the guild wide policy of 'if you can't say anything nice.....' but I have personally seen the results of an attitude that could have been paraphrasing this poem, and they wern't pretty.
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Posted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 10:59 am
I agree.. it was good, just not great.
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Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 7:50 am
I understand where you are coming from in this poem. Very powerful...
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 6:50 am
i have to agree with the first few posts. you don't need punctuation at the end of every line and if you are going to rhyme keep the rhyme steady instead of stop and starting up again. it was this that made the poem hard for me to read. I like the message of the poem though very powerful subject.
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Posted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 8:34 pm
I think I get it:
It's a rush like the feeling, (like from drugs, or so I'm told), and a rush because of the hurry you are in because you don't want to be seen with your forbidden lover, which is also causing the psychological rush.
mrgreen
Also not to be confused with crush, which is a psychological rush, but would change the meaning of the poem.
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Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:16 pm
This type of poem has been over done, I have heard almost the exact same one from others. But you do have the talent. Keep trying, you get there soon heart
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