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 Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:20 am
On Yonder Wings
On yonder wings, disaster flies.
With it comes love, pain, and lies.
Atop a wing, I saw you.
Oh no, I thought the love was true.
I pushed away from what I knew
And I reached out, running to you.
I thought that I could make you see;
That you could learn to love someone like me.
But because I gave you my heart to take
I am left with a big heartbreak.
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I'll probably add more later, but for now, what do you think?
And yes, I know, it's VERY cliche. I'm having a hard time breaking off of the sort of theme.
Also, I want you to be honest in your critiques, but please make it constructive and take this fact into account: I'm only 12 years old. I don't have much experience in poetry, so I'm trying to get better. I'd like it if you guys could help me get better.
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Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 2:30 pm
For a 12 year old, this is fantastic. there are a few things that I would change, though. 'Oh no' in line two seems out of place, and 'a big heartbreak' seems a little awkward. the first words that come to MY mind are 'Alas' for the first correction and 'such heartbreak' seems to sound more in line with the poem.
Keep up the good work. If you're really interested in doing poetry on a serious scale, let me suggest buying a special journal (I prefer the mead composition ones) and using it expressly for poetry. Every song, sonnet, and any bit of poetry I write that I think is any good has come out of my poetry journal.
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Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 8:38 pm
Why thank you! I'll work a bit on my wording. It's kinda hard...I go to a public school. Not that its bad or anything, but I find it hard to advance my vocabulary, not to mention the fact that hardly anyone I know who is in my age group has the extent of vocabulary I use...I swear, they don't even know what the word 'acerebral' means. It's pathetic!
But thank you very much. 3nodding
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Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 8:06 pm
For your age this is great.
I'm not a poetry writer so I can not say much about helping you improve; all I can say is keep writing poems and you'll get alot better in no time.
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Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 5:32 am
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Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 12:47 pm
I love it! No really, I do.
Keep up the good work!
. mrgreen .
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Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 8:24 am
I turned 12 in January. Nice poem, kinda dramatic, though.
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Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 11:43 am
winding_river123 On Yonder Wings
On yonder wings, disaster flies.
With it comes love, pain, and lies.
Atop a wing, I saw you.
Oh no, I thought the love was true.
I pushed away from what I knew
And I reached out, running to you.
I thought that I could make you see;
That you could learn to love someone like me.
But because I gave you my heart to take
I am left with a big heartbreak.
------------------------------------------------------
I'll probably add more later, but for now, what do you think?
And yes, I know, it's VERY cliche. I'm having a hard time breaking off of the sort of theme.
Also, I want you to be honest in your critiques, but please make it constructive and take this fact into account: I'm only 12 years old. I don't have much experience in poetry, so I'm trying to get better. I'd like it if you guys could help me get better. That's pretty awesome! I like it!
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Posted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 6:04 pm
lancekatre For a 12 year old, this is fantastic. there are a few things that I would change, though. 'Oh no' in line two seems out of place, and 'a big heartbreak' seems a little awkward. the first words that come to MY mind are 'Alas' for the first correction and 'such heartbreak' seems to sound more in line with the poem. Keep up the good work. If you're really interested in doing poetry on a serious scale, let me suggest buying a special journal (I prefer the mead composition ones) and using it expressly for poetry. Every song, sonnet, and any bit of poetry I write that I think is any good has come out of my poetry journal. I wholeheartedly agree. Also, I know how hard it is to have vocabulary above and beyond your age group. My suggestion is to make friends with writers/poets/etc. who are older than you. A poetry club or something is a great way to meet people who have similar interests and passions as you. Great poem. I suggest going a little farther with it, but that's just personal preference-- I like long poems xd Poetry journals are very helpful and important, because you can write down an idea when the inspiration hits you, instead of waiting for later and attempting to remember it. Hope that helps! wink
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Posted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 1:24 pm
Well, I actually think it's a bit twee for my liking, it's speaking too forward and direct ond "oh, woe is me". I think it is an absolutley fanstastic start, though, but on your next poem I would suggest (mind, this is just me, everyone has their own opinion) trying a few less direct metaphors and similies, maybe like instead of "a big heartbreak" something more flowing, like "A crushing blow to the heart" and I know it doesn't rhyme, but I actually prefer non-rhyming poems...
And you know, I think that's because I can't write rhyming poems sweatdrop
I'd give it an A-, possibly an A. Well done, it's a great start heart
Jaikai
xx
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:40 am
[River] Why thank you! I'll work a bit on my wording. It's kinda hard...I go to a public school. Not that its bad or anything, but I find it hard to advance my vocabulary, not to mention the fact that hardly anyone I know who is in my age group has the extent of vocabulary I use...I swear, they don't even know what the word 'acerebral' means. It's pathetic! But thank you very much. 3nodding I had a similar problem back in grade school. I really wish that I'd tried to teach my friends to have a bigger vocabulary without shortening mine so much.
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![[River]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/6a/b0/62b898cb1cb06a_flip.png?t=1365478397_6.00_11)
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