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The Gaian Grammar Guild is a refuge for the literate, a place for them to post and read posts without worrying about the nonsensical ones. 

Tags: grammar, literate, english, language 

Reply Poetry
Eternal Damnation: Critique needed [wanted] <3

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Opinion..
  Interesting; caught my attention. <3
  It's ok; needs more of something. <3
  Boring; needs alot of work. <3
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Ninchii

PostPosted: Sat Jul 01, 2006 9:20 am


The lights grew dim
As the Djinn wanders by
They say he bids g’night
But all they do is lie

He strides into pubs
In the mid feudal times
Picking up dames
For the price of a dime

Cursed for a millennium
He searches for a mate
Yet he was only
A couple years too late

In the arms of his world
Into a sapphire pool
He didn’t think to look that way
Living his life as a fool

Pleasure was what he sought
Corrupting many a dame
He never thought that his other
Was of sex the same

The lovers’ lives
Were written on cold hard stone
Where I will read to you their story
So that you won’t be alone


Notes:
    It's a poem that prologue's a story I'm working on. Any and all critiques are welcomed and appreciated.

    Also, if there are any questions, please ask away. Some friend's I showed this too had a few questions as well.

    Thank you. <3
PostPosted: Sat Jul 01, 2006 6:01 pm


its interesting kind of poem the rhyming is kind of off...
but thats it. intersting story though.

jynx2000


Ninchii

PostPosted: Sun Jul 02, 2006 11:43 am


@Jynx: Really? How so?
I wasn't really looking for ryhming, but I'll look into that.
Thanks.
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Poetry

 
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