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The Gaian Grammar Guild is a refuge for the literate, a place for them to post and read posts without worrying about the nonsensical ones. 

Tags: grammar, literate, english, language 

Reply Poetry
Valleria - a poem - heavy critiquing encouraged!

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Dollface Lovely

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:06 pm


    Via, Via, Valleria
    Sitting in her galleria
    Surrounded by her playthings, and what not
    Ashen skin hidden within
    In her satin, velvet exposition,
    Behind the robes and ribbons
    In the most awkward position
    "And why always these games we play?"
    She questions now her disposition
    "Why like children, day by day
    Toying with the words we say
    Playing with their feelings
    Like a crystal ball, and leering
    As they cry once the game's over
    Once it's time to throw the cold shoulder
    But once it's time to show emotions
    We get scared and we get cautious
    We bend backwards, always trying
    To keep him and her from crying
    Steering them in a direction
    That might expose true affection
    Questing always for the thing
    That'll allow one's soul to sing
    A joyous melody
    A tune to praise
    The heart and soul
    And perhaps raise
    Another miracle"

    Like Valleria
    Always in her galleria
    Surrounded by her playthings
    Behind her velvet ribbons
    Tied in a most awkward position
    Striving toward your eventual vision


    Oh, I do belive that after not writing a decent poem in, oh say, a good 4+ months this is pretty decent. As always comments are greatly appreciated, as well as tips and such (IKNOWYOU'REREADINGTHISMOJOBY!! mad heart ), also as well as that I'll be so bold as to say that this is actually written about someone (YOUKNOWWHOYOUARE,YOU...! pirate heart )
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 2:51 pm


I think you need to use stanzas. When I was reading the poem, I found it very hard to read. And I don't know what needs to be changed about it but I thought the poem just didn't flow smoothly enough. Maybe make sure the lines are all the same length or use assonance or consonance or rhyming or something like that.

Pomnuria


farfromsight06

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 8:46 pm


I enjoyed it very much, its very lovely. smile
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Poetry

 
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