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Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 1:52 pm
I'll number the poems so, please number your critiques according to which poem you're critiquing. Thanks! _____________________________________________________________
1. War
Women and children Innocent done nothing wrong Killed for that reason
2. In it for the Oil
Women and children walk down the street veils on their heads shoes on their feet
Afraid of what might happen fear is on their faces bombs are falling everywhere in tons of different places
At home in America we let our kids go play we don't care what happens to them tomorrow or today
And the country that started this war this frightening toil was only in it to gain in it for the oil
3. Elements
Rocks, they can be jagged Usually very sharp Water’s always flowing Like the music of a harp
Fire destroys all things in it’s path With temperatures very hot Wood is very strong Stronger than a knot
Earth is the ground we walk on Home to the trees Metal is strong but When heated moves with ease
The air and clouds are in the sky Protecting us from the sun The sun is up there with those clouds Shining down on everyone
4.Love is...
Love is a river Always flowing; never stops Unless plugged by hate
5. Why Oh Why
You broke my heart But why oh why Why the hell Did you make me cry
I know that we’re through It didn’t work out But why oh why Did you scream and shout
I know we don’t feel The same you don’t feel how I feel but why oh why Did you make a big deal
6. My Dear Love
My dear love So very true My dear love You are through and through
My dear love ‘Twas me you did woo My dear love My heart willed to you
7. The Ballad of Leila
There once was a girl named Leila With blue eyes tinted green This was no ordinary Indian girl She sought out new worlds unseen
This girl, Leila was very rich She was very well dressed Her hair was always perfect Her room never messed
Leila was very curious She had never been poor So when she heard about a ship to America And people being poor she stepped out the door
Her family disagreed They told her “Please Stay” But she ignored their words of wisdom And she went on her way
Life on the ship was very hard For Leila almost unbearable The food sucked; the crew was rude And all the nights were tearable
Eight months past A second before They wanted to give up But they sighted shore
This new world was weird Something Leila had never seen before Her mind went wild As she stepped up on the shore
The people of the new world were nice Even when Leila was stressed Leila couldn’t stop herself from saying "God has made me blessed"
Leila liked the new world So she thought to herself and said I think I might live here Till the day that I’m dead
She followed her word And this she did do Leila lived in America Till the old age of eighty-two
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Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2006 1:49 pm
Good poetry needs two things: Meaning and flow.
I think you have the meaning part down pretty well. Your poems are all expressions of your emotions and it's obvious how you feel when you write them.
The flowing part, you need to work on. (I may sound like a b***h when I say this but...) Sure, they rhyme and everything, but poetry needs a lot more than just a rhyme scheme to flow. Now, free verse is a whole nother story, but since most of your poetry rhymes, I think you should try to incorporate more into the verses. Word choice and things like alliteration or oh-god-I-forget-the-word-for-it-but-it's-when-there-are-rhymes-within-two-different-line-along-with-the-regular-rhyme-at-the-end.
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Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 2:37 pm
I thought you're poems were pretty good. They had a lot of meaning to them... BUT
This poem: "Women and children Innocent done nothing wrong Killed for that reason"
While it is a good thought, I've seen this general idea a lot (because it's an issue).
Also, in this: "At home in America we let our kids go play we don't care what happens to them tomorrow or today"
Is it that we don't care? Or just that we don't think about the possibility that something could happen?
And here: "Fire destroys all things in it’s path With temperatures very hot Wood is very strong Stronger than a knot"
I felt like the rhyme of hot and knot was a forced rhyme.
But really. You're a very talented writer.
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Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 9:36 pm
The one thing that I am compelled to point out is that traditional haiku, along with the 5-7-5 meter, always deal with two things; nature and impermanance. While you certainly have the latter, I haven't seen the former.
Sure, the flows are a bit off, but I love them just the same smile
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