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 Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 6:42 pm
Stain
Rip my flesh from my body, help me feel pain.
Then set me on glass so it will remain.
Slit my throat and let my blood drain.
And it still won't hurt as much as this emotional strain.
You poke and you prod to see how many bruises I gain.
Physical, No. Now they think i'm insane.
So I take a gun to my head, All I leave is this stain
Dedicated to a false Love
You’re clever; I’ll give you that.
I felt your love, but it was just an act.
“Trust me,” were your words choice.
And how could I not listen to that voice.
Though it was not a voice pure, and true.
But it was one I sure liked to listen to.
It’s true; I knew you’d deceive me.
But I fell, and you said, “Why’d you believe me?”
“You’re beautiful,” you said. “Just as you are.”
Why do I see lies as truths, when lies they are?
“I don’t care anymore, just let go.”
Were your wise words when you let your true colours show.
Do you want to know something sad, but true?
There’s a part of me that would do it again, because I love you.
But what is love, right? Just an emotion.
Giving my whole heart, and all my devotion.
But like yesterdays trash, you threw it away.
Now you won’t even give me the time of day.
Alas my love, it hurts to dwell.
So this will be my final farewell.
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 2:41 am
Stain is ok, I didn't get much of an atmosphere from it though, it could be improved. It didn't flow so well, or at least it didn't the way I was reading it you may have had a different rythem in your head when you wrote it.
Dedicated to a false Love though... Wow is all I can say, it's perfect. I can find no fault. I love it, I really do. I actually felt something when I read it through. It's one of the best poems I have ever read. Well done! domokun
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 6:19 pm
I agree with you.
Thank you.
I didn't feel done with Stain.
It was just saying how he didn't care and how angry I was.
Dedicated to a false Love.
That took me forever to perfect.
You can thank a boy in my life for that one.
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Posted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 5:57 am
Stain is very angsty sweatdrop . A little too much so for me, but it is well written. I agree with Electrash. Dedicated to False Love is very good.
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Posted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 12:31 pm
darknessofanangel I agree with you. Thank you. I didn't feel done with Stain. It was just saying how he didn't care and how angry I was. Dedicated to a false Love. That took me forever to perfect. You can thank a boy in my life for that one. Thank you boy.
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 5:51 pm
I hate being in a good mood sometimes.
I can't write happy poetry.
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 11:39 pm
I prefer the second one.
I think I could actually relate to it.
Nice poem, by the way.
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Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 12:25 pm
I like both of them, Dedicated to False Love being the better of the two. However, a lot of the phrases (mostly in Stain, but a few in Dedicated, too) seem forced. Some have flipped grammar, sort of like Yoda (i.e. "Why do I see lies as truths, when lies they are?"). Instead of switching around your words to make them rhyme, whip out your thesaurus and try to form sentences with words like them that rhyme, but also flow. 3nodding
Very nice work, all in all. heart
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Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 7:08 am
They're very lovely...but I wish I hadn't read at least the last line of both...(Involuntary shuddering.)
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Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 5:33 pm
I loved them both. Very funny. Stain was the funnier. Dedicated to False Love was very well written. Obviously. And it's about real life. Classic!
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