This is something I received in an e-mail back in college, and I've managed to hang on to it ever since one way or another. It gets trotted out every few years just for kicks and giggles. I wasn't sure exactly where to put it, since it's based on actual literature (though it isn't, in and of itself), it isn't fanfiction, I didn't write it, and it's humorous. When in doubt, post to General Discussion, yes?
The archive this came from can be found here:
The International Junk Mail ClearinghouseBeowulf
See Grendel. See Grendel eat. Eat, Grendel, eat. Grendel is
eating a few Danish for breakfast. Grendel especially likes the ones with
the yellow coating on top. This is good because there are so many of
them. Yummy!
See Hrothgar. He is sad. Sad, sad, sad. His warriors are
leaving. Hey are sad because Grendel has eaten many of their friends.
They do not want to play with Grendel anymore because Grendel is mean.
Hrothgar is also sad because his food is almost gone. Grendel
eats the cows and pigs and horsies, too. Grendel is very hungry. Eat,
Grendel, eat.
Hrothgar is also sad because his wife will not stop complaining.
Whine, wife, whine. Hrothgar has tried to stop listening to her for three
days now. Drink, Hrothgar, drink. Hrothgar is almost out of mead. Poor
Hrothgar.
See Beowulf. He is big and strong and handsome. He has long
viking braids and pointy horns on his hat [cultural misconception but
amusing nonetheless] and a really big sword. Ooh, Beowulf, ooh! He is
sailing to Denmark to visit Hrothgar. Sail, Beowulf, sail. He does not
know that Hrothgar is almost out of mead. Poor Beowulf.
Beowulf likes to sail. Beowulf likes to drink even more. Poor
Beowulf.
When he gets to Denmark, there is enough mead left for one feast.
Poor Beowulf. Poor Hrothgar. Poor warriors. Poor Grendel. Beowulf is
very mad. Mad, mad, mad.
Beowulf vows to slay Grendel. Vow, Beowulf, vow. He promises to
do many great feats. He swears to return with Grendel's head. Drink,
Beowulf, drink.
Beowulf is lying very still. Is he waiting to surprise Grendel?
No. Is he meditating? No. Is he practicing an arcane magical ritual
involving a lawn chair, six milk bottles and a tuning fork? No, he is
unconscious. Won't he be surprised when he wakes up and they tell him
about his promises? Won't he be happy to know that he has a quest? Won't
he feel grand when the warriors cheer him? No, Beowulf will not feel
grand for a while. He has a headache. Poor Beowulf. Please stop
cheering, warriors.
Oh see the castle. It is very quiet. Is it quiet because
everyone is afraid of Grendel? No, it is because everyone is afraid of
Beowulf. Beowulf has had a very bad headache for three days. Last night
Beowulf's head hurt so bad that he was very mad. Mad, mad, mad. Grendel
came over to play and made too much noise. Beowulf was very upset. He
was so upset that he ripped Grendel's arm off and hung it over the door.
Poor Grendel. Poor warriors. Smile at Beowulf. Just do it quietly.
O see the feast hall. It is bright and cheery. There is food on
the tables and mead in the horns and a great big arm over the door. See
the feasters. They are singing and laughing and drinking. Are they happy
that Grendel is dead? Yes, they are! Are they happy that they can laugh
and sing and play again? Yes, they are, but most of all they are happy
that there is more mead. Drink, Beowulf, drink.
O see Hrothgar. He is happy. Happy, happy, happy. Is he happy
that Grendel is dead? Is he happy that there is more mead? Yes, but he
is mostly happy that his wife has stopped complaining. Smile, Hrothgar,
smile.
O see Grendel's mother. She is sad. Sad, sad, sad. Is she sad
because Grendel is gone? Is she sad because her other children never
call? Is she sad because the Angels are losing again? Yes, she is sad
because of all these things. But she is mostly sad because she won't get
any more mother's day presents. This makes her mad. Mad, mad, mad!
She gets so mad that she decides to have some Danish for dessert.
That is silly. Everyone knows that you are supposed to have Danish for
breakfast. Silly, silly, silly.
In fact it is so silly that we think that Grendel's mother may
have had something besides food for dinner. We think that Grendel's
mother may have been drinking. Just like Beowulf.
O see Beowulf. Now that there is mead again he is drinking some
more. Drink, Beowulf, drink! When Grendel's mother comes to the feast,
Beowulf has already drunk quite a bit. So has Grendel's mother. He
thinks she is the most beautiful woman in the world and makes a pass at
her. She is caught off guard and says no. Tease, monster, tease! Beowulf
tries again. She leaves and he goes home with her. Grendel's mother was
never heard from again. Beowulf was very quiet about the whole situation.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
The End
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