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 Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 5:38 pm
Okay, it's short, but that's because I wrote it for a competition that can't have more than eight lines, but I think I'll lengthen it later.
Golden rays of sunlight,
Filtering through the breeze,
Suddenly start to dance,
Stirred by a chilly breeze.
A doe looks up,
Fawn by her side,
If only people,
Could see through her eyes.
It's not that good, but I really only write poetry once a year for this competition and don't know much about it. sweatdrop Maybe I'm more a book person.
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 8:45 am
You have great imagery. I can see the bright rays of sun filtering through the trees and seeming to dance as the wind blows the leaves overhead. I can see the soft brown doe look up... it's very nice.
I understand that poetry is about self-expression and may be punctuated pretty much however the author wants to do it, but I'd take out the commas where they aren't needed. For example:
"Golden rays of sunlight
Filtering through the breeze
Suddenly start to dance,
Stirred by a chilly breeze."
Also... breeze needs to be changed in one of its places. Try "Filtering through the trees..."
Despite my critisism, I really do like it! Good luck in your contest!
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 8:27 pm
I liked your poem. It just seemed unfinished. The imagery was nice, though.
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 9:52 pm
I like it and mainly agree with Adrianah about the commas and the 'breeze' thing. What I would add is the suggestion to change out the word "suddenly" for something less common. It's not that important, though, as it still makes for a pretty and clear piece of poetry.
I like it! Well done.
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 11:01 pm
I like your flow, it runs very smoothly. As mentioned by others, beautiful imagery. Short, simple, concise and strong. I tend to comment on flow alot. >.>
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 2:40 pm
Yeah, I had trees. sweatdrop I spaced off and put breeze. Thanks! biggrin The theme's supposed to be "The Beauty of God's Creation" though. Do you think it fits in that?
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 5:03 pm
Adrianah You have great imagery. I can see the bright rays of sun filtering through the trees and seeming to dance as the wind blows the leaves overhead. I can see the soft brown doe look up... it's very nice. I understand that poetry is about self-expression and may be punctuated pretty much however the author wants to do it, but I'd take out the commas where they aren't needed. For example: "Golden rays of sunlight Filtering through the breeze Suddenly start to dance, Stirred by a chilly breeze." Also... breeze needs to be changed in one of its places. Try "Filtering through the trees..." Despite my critisism, I really do like it! Good luck in your contest! I agree, although "Filtering through the trees..." isn't my favorite. Maybe you should try "Flittering 'round the trees..."
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Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 5:22 pm
What about "Filtering thrugh the leaves"?
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Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 5:39 pm
It is good, but the imagery seems very complex for such a short poem. Ususally poems with this kind of descriptive-ness are a bit longer. Otherwise, it was pretty freaking awesome.
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Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 5:48 pm
horseridergirl2 Okay, it's short, but that's because I wrote it for a competition that can't have more than eight lines, but I think I'll lengthen it later. Golden rays of sunlight, Filtering through the breeze, Suddenly start to dance, Stirred by a chilly breeze. A doe looks up, Fawn by her side, If only people, Could see through her eyes. It's not that good, but I really only write poetry once a year for this competition and don't know much about it. sweatdrop Maybe I'm more a book person. That's a very pretty poem. smile I like the last lines best. I think if people could see through an animal's eyes like that, the world would be a very different and most likely better place.
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Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 3:06 pm
biggrin Thanks! I turned it in today, so hopefully I'll at least place. neutral I write one every year but they're never really very good. I was thinking about entering another one that my social studies teacher told us about today. The maximum length for the poem is three pages, so I could make it as long as I wanted, but I dunno. The theme's supposed to be "Less Than Perfect" and it's supposed to be about the holocaust.
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