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 Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 5:52 pm
This is posted on Fictionpress.com, but I thought I'd give it a try here. Please give me negative comments in specific, so I know what to change. Postive comments are also welcome, but TELL ME WHAT EXACTLY YOU LIKE! I'm tired of, "I like it, it's good." That's not what I'm looking for.
The Dewdrop
Frozen sunshine trapped in glass
Twilight reflection, invisible
More than just water on grass
Metaphor invincible
Bubble of warm frost
Summer rains wash it all away
The dewdrop is so lost
Just like us someday
Mirror images everywhere
Modified by wind and waves
Smallest drop of water there
Only sitting there unpaved
Untouched by all pollution
Don't ever change
There could be a solution
That's never within range
Like the single dewrop showed us
that humanity can change.
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Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 6:21 am
Since you said so.
Your first two don't feel like an introduction to me. You do have a large vocabulary of words though. Your rhyme scheme is inconsistent, and it breaks up the flow of your words. Some lines are repetitive, like the repetition of "there" in:
"Smallest drop of water there
Only sitting there unpaved"
It makes me twitch when I see that. Oh, I just looked over your rhyme scheme again. Some of the words used seem like the line is based on them, rather than the rhymes going with the lines. (Clarification: a few of your rhymes seem forced.)
It gives a vague message about humanity, but I can see the concept you tried to display. Is your poem one whole idea?
Edit: I DO love the imagery though, especially in your first two lines.
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 7:30 am
That's what someone else said, too. Thanks for being brave enough to criticize smile I'll probably be posted a revised version soon, and we'll be able to see how that check out. Thank you once more smile
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 10:43 pm
No problem. biggrin I have a poem titled Dewdrop too! I shall post it straightaway.
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