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 Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 6:56 pm
Here's my poetry. Please give me feedback, I need it badly.
I am waiting patiently
for my knight in shining armor
my dark prince charming
to take me away with him
make me his true love
forever
just us two
no intrusions
no worries
only love
and passion
forever.
My prince arrives
astride his dark steed
“Come with me.”
he says to me
how can I refuse
“Forever.”
I reply
with my arms around him
my head on his shoulder
I ride with him
to his kingdom
deep below the sea.
Through the surf we ride
descending through the depths
the ocean floor parts
we ride deeper still
down into the darkness
into the silence
the silence is deafening
but most welcome
deeper we go
it seems we are riding
into oblivion.
Away from pain
Away from hunger
Away from hate
Away from sorrow
Away from guilt
Away from suffering
but not away from love
never away from love
never away from passion
they are always there
waiting to be released
as we finally reach his home.
A breathtaking sight
like all of my dreams
come true at once
deep dark forest
white sandy beach
gentle breezes
caressing my cheek
welcoming me home
to unending love
sweet and pure
forever to stay
with my dark prince.
DO NOT COPY THIS! IT IS PLAYMYDARKSECRET'S PROPERTY AND I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF IF YOU STEAL!
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Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 1:16 am
It's not really my favourite style of poetry, I couldn't find a steady rhythem or beat, so it didn't flow too well as I read it. I also wondered why the Prince lived under the sea, part fish perhaps - or maybe I've just completely missed the point. xd It's a decent poem though. : ]
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Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 6:09 am
Nice words! You obviously have a good vocabulary. Only thing is, Electrash is right, you've got no flow... I take it that was free verse? The repetition seems a little random and, there's very little structure? I think you should make your lines longer.
Is your prince on a seahorse? O_o
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 4:25 pm
Nah, it's kinda like we're in a bubble. But we're on a horse. Like an airtight bubble. And he lives in a cave underwater, the point was that the cave was also water-proof and that it was kinda like a big mansion in an underwater cave.
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