|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2007 6:00 am
Welcome!
To me, and many others, poetry is a way of expressing oneself. This is one of my hobbies. I will share two poems in this post. The first one is quite sad and I don't expect you to grasp the true meaning. The second poem is less saddening and promising.
Lost Unicorn, Shattered Dream
One step, two step, then I take three steps backwards.
My head pounds as I am swept into the night desert.
Cold all around...
I walk the path so long ago which I've found.
As a strong river flows beside me,
Crying and weeping loudly.
And from the night desert sprang unicorns.
All gastly white with silver horns.
Then suddenly the river swallows them whole
And all but three are no more.
But I can still hear their cries,
Desperately fighting not to say goodbye.
And with only unicorns of three it becomes unbearably lonely.
But my heart is as bitter as the cold night desert.
And before I know it I began to believe that I will never leave this place,
Not ever...
In my fear I try to bring back what has already gone.
My other unicorns, lost in a world far beyond,
Only to realize they've been trapped inside the depts of my soul for so long.
Then my world becomes empty and evermore lonely.
One step, two step, then three...
I began to fade away into nothing.
Leaving behind the one thing that kept me so free...
Is now a broken dream.
Cherry Blossoms
Even in winter she does not fade
On comes the snow to cover where her blossoms have laid
And in the winter she does not weep
For her heart is strong and she will earn her keep
Her soul cries out but she will wait
She tells winter to take as long as it wilt' take
Her faith stays strong and her heart does not wither
She waits for the day for spring to come hither
scream Thank you for reading my poetry!! scream
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 9:33 pm
Both poems sound like freestyling. That's a good thing, mind you. Were you listening to music and putting your poem into it? I do that sometimes, when working on rhythm and flow. Some lines have too many syllables, but it depends on how each person reads it. Rhyming is inconsistent, but if it's really free verse/freestyle, then rhyming is irrelevent. I'd suggest using different words, as repetition of 'juicy' words gets to be a bit boring. Use some abstract words for "night desert". I like "Cherry Blossoms" better for it's structure and rhyme scheme (just a few syllables are off), but the first one has better imagery. Also, make simple words like "cold" 'juicier'.
...I have a craving for Orange Juice.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
