LONG JOKES!!!

[PrincessDarkFire]

Please do tell your long jokes here...
I do have a few myself. wink  

[PrincessDarkFire]

One day a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy accros the head and Tommy yelled out, "Ouch you fu**ing wanker!" Later that day in church, the mother went to talk to the priest. She said, "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." The priest asks, "Well, have you tried smacking them?" She replies, "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" The priest says, "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, Timmy and Tommy came down stairs for breakfast. The mother asks Tommy what he wants to eat. Tommy answers, "Well, gimme some fu**ing waffles." The mother backhands Tommy so hard that he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. Timmy, shocked and terrified of what just happend becomes very quite. The mother asks Timmy what he wants for breakfast and Timmy answers, "Well, you can bet your sweet as* I don't want no fu**ing waffles!"  

[Flateyrarhreppur]

rofl rofl rofl rofl blaugh  

[R.lone wolf]

blaugh blaugh rofl  

[Takis B. Temory]

rofl i got one


Three men approached the gate to heaven and as
there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said
that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied,

''Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair
behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth.
I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act.
When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom.
The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair
wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower.
I looked all around the house to find the guy.
I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside.
I pounded them until he finally let go.
When he fell he landed in some bushes and
God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the
refrigerator out the window to finish him off.
After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.''

Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied,

''Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my
apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary
bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side.
I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot
started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed
in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived.
But then that same idiot threw his
refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.''

''That, too, is horrible,'' said the gate keeper.
Then he asked the third man the same question.

His reply was, ''OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...''  

[Arai Kasai]

The pregnant lady ...............


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately, moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20
years old) what he had to say for himself

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the
lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat
down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I
grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's
Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'

... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"  

[Pride The Greatest Sin]

The Burglar and Jesus

>A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
>around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to
>place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
>saying, "Jesus is watching you."
>
>He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
>When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
>himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on
>and began searching for more valuables.
>
>Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
>Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he
>shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the
voice.
>
>Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam ca me to rest
>on a parrot.
>
>Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
>
>"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
>
>The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
>
>"Moses," replied the bird.
>
>"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird
>Moses?"
>
>"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."  

[Beautiful Crimson Moon]

ComradeChe

The Burglar and Jesus

>A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
>around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to
>place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
>saying, "Jesus is watching you."
>
>He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
>When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
>himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on
>and began searching for more valuables.
>
>Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
>Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he
>shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the
voice.
>
>Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam ca me to rest
>on a parrot.
>
>Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
>
>"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
>
>The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
>
>"Moses," replied the bird.
>
>"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird
>Moses?"
>
>"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

i've saw that joke on flowgo.com, only instead of the bird name being moses n the dog's jesus, the bird's name was jesus n the dog's name was god.  

[phantomtuba1]

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !
"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.
"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"
To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"  

[phantomtuba1]

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.
When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine.

"No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.

The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
"No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.

He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in August."

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on.
To which the Chicago man replies.....

"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"  

[Dirty Dirty Shisno]

Bob and Joe are always trying to get rich quick.

So one day, Bob is sitting on the computer looking up weird laws in other countries trying to get a laugh, he finds one law in perticular that intrests him. The law says, simply, Bungee jumping is illegal in mexico.

So Bob sees an opprtunity to get rich quick and he poses the idea to Joe. Joe likes the Idea and so they get a bunch of bungee jumping equipment and sign making materials and they go down to mexico and set up on a bridge. They get everything set up and a crowd is gathering below where they're going to be jumping off.

Bob realizes they're confused about what they're doing and decides to set up a demonstration. So he ties himself to the bungee cord and jumps off. When he comes back up Joe sees Bob looks like he was run over by a horse and so he tries to catch him but he misses and for some strange reason the crowd below is cheering. Bob goes down again and comes back up looking like he was run over by a rhino. So Joe tries to catch him again but still he misses! The crowds cheering louder now. Bob goes down one more time and when he comes up he looks like he's been run over by a mountain. Joe tries to catch him and this time he does. The crowd below is going wild when Joe asks Bob "What happened?!? Was the cord too long!?!?!?" And Bob replies, "No no, the cord was fine but, what the ******** a piniata???????"  

[phantomtuba1]

MutantPanda

Bob and Joe are always trying to get rich quick.

So one day, Bob is sitting on the computer looking up weird laws in other countries trying to get a laugh, he finds one law in perticular that intrests him. The law says, simply, Bungee jumping is illegal in mexico.

So Bob sees an opprtunity to get rich quick and he poses the idea to Joe. Joe likes the Idea and so they get a bunch of bungee jumping equipment and sign making materials and they go down to mexico and set up on a bridge. They get everything set up and a crowd is gathering below where they're going to be jumping off.

Bob realizes they're confused about what they're doing and decides to set up a demonstration. So he ties himself to the bungee cord and jumps off. When he comes back up Joe sees Bob looks like he was run over by a horse and so he tries to catch him but he misses and for some strange reason the crowd below is cheering. Bob goes down again and comes back up looking like he was run over by a rhino. So Joe tries to catch him again but still he misses! The crowds cheering louder now. Bob goes down one more time and when he comes up he looks like he's been run over by a mountain. Joe tries to catch him and this time he does. The crowd below is going wild when Joe asks Bob "What happened?!? Was the cord too long!?!?!?" And Bob replies, "No no, the cord was fine but, what the ******** a piniata???????"

rofl rofl rofl blaugh LMAO  

[polaknazawsze829]

This boy named bob always sleeps through his sunday school class and the girl that sits behind him really likes him and doesn't want him t o get kicked out of class. So while the boy slumbers the teacher asks
"Who is our holy savour, bob?"
The girl behind him pokes with a pin and he jumps up in he air and says "Jesus Christ!"
the teacher says "good boy Bob" then continues on with the lesson and bob falls back asleep.
Then the teacher asks "whos our father in heaven?"
The girl pokes bob again, Bob jumps up and yells "God almity!!!!!!"
The teacher sontinues on with the leason.
then the teacher asks "What did Eve say to Adam after thier seventh child?"
Again the girl pokes him. He jumps up and yells, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
The teacher fainted..  

[gothchick159]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.  

[Elemental39]

One day a guy named Bill wakes up and realizes that somethings wrong with his elbow and asks his friend what should he do his friend told him:
"Go to the drug store in the back is a computer insert $10 and a urine sample it will tell you what's wrong and what you should do"
Bill thinks that he has nothing to lose and decides to check it out. He goes the the drug store, goes to the computer, inserts the $10 and a urine sample. The computer starts making various noises and lights starts flashing, then out pops a piece of paper printed on it is:
You have tennis elbow soak you elbow in warm water, don't lift anything heavy. It will get better in a week.
Bill goes home and thinks how good this machine is and how it can change medical technology and then thinks "can it be fooled" so Bill gets a jar adds tap water, a stool sample from his dog, a urine sample from both his daughter and wife, on top of that he masturbates in the cauction. The next day he goes to the computer in the drug store, inserts the money and the sample. The computer makes the various noises and the lights start flashing and on the piece of paper is printed:
Your water is hard. Add some softener. Your dog has worms, get him vitamins. Your daughter is doing cocaine, put her in a rehab clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twins, they are not yours. Get a lawyer. If you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.