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 Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:47 pm
I was surprised that at the length of this piece, how complete it seemed. At any rate, any thoughts or criticism are welcomed.
"A Love of No Escape"
Pain, I felt, when we could not be
A feeling I wished you just could see.
I tried to go, just run away
Yet in my mind you were content to stay.
Pain, 'tis said, makes us know what is real.
Is this the price that must be paid to feel?
In my mind, I see you, simply standing there
I try to let you begone; yet I know not to where
I raise the knife in the dark of that thought
Blade strikes down, to redeem the pain wrought
Even in dream, my hand doth freeze, I still choose not to hate
Is it wisdom I have found? Will the pain finally abate?
Pain sears me again, yet even in dream, I could never harm thee.
Have I found another cruel truth of life, or graven image of me?
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 10:04 pm
Good as far as the poem itself goes. Some of my suggestions may be nit picking, but I think could help take it up a level. A couple were to encourage clarification about meaning, or at least let me know what was intended if not make a change.
Fourth line, consider using content, without the -ed. It improves the flow a bit and the -ed seems unnecessary when you have already established the past tense by using "were" just before "contented."
Every time I read the fifth line I feel like it's skipped a word. I would rephrase it to be "Pain, 'tis said, makes us know what is real." That way it still rhymes and changes the line minimally. This could just sound better to me because of my own speech patterns.
Line 10 is phrased a bit awkwardly. "I try let you be gone" is okay, but "yet I know not where" seems somewhat at odds with the rest of the poem. It sounds like it is referencing the other person's physical presence in the world while the rest of the poem is concerned with a lingering memory. Does it mean the person is seen in the mind, but in an unfamiliar place? Or that you're trying to release the person, but you don't know where the person is going? Clarifying in the poem would be nice, but not needed if it is just something you want left to interpretation.
Line 12 I would consider using a different word in place of finally. Maybe "at last," "ultimately" or even "hereafter." "Finally" just sounded a bit plain when used in proximity to "doth" and "abate."
The last line I would use grave instead of graven. Just saying grave seems more appropriate to me, because it seems like it was meant to refer to finding a different side of yourself which was somber and dark in nature. Graven refers to a material image, like a carving, engraving or impression. Either could work, it just depends on what you meant to say.
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Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 3:03 pm
Thanks for the suggestions. For the clarification on line ten, it's referring to lingering memory, her seen in the mind. As far as the suggestion on line 12, I think it's alright as it is. It seems like the most natural word to use, and gets the meaning across. Also, on the last line, I understand what you were thinking of as far as the difference between graven or grave as being used in that final line. I thought graven was more appropriate, a different image of one's self, seeming empty and lifeless, yet I'll admit that there is also meant to be an understone of what you were thinking, of a different facet of myself, the thought os something darker, and perhaps more somber. Once again, thank you for the suggestions on the piece.
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Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 10:52 pm
Don't mention it. I probably went a little overboard... It's just that you asked, and I get overzealous when I have the chance to make corrections or suggestions about writing... sweatdrop It's just that this is the first poem in here I've seen with an open invitation for suggestions, and I hate making a bunch of recommendatiosn when it's not requested since, as I've already said, I go overboard. I'm just glad your reply wasn't, "Damn, is there anything you'd leave as it is? You weren't kidding about nit picking!" Though you were probably thinking it. xd
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Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 4:19 pm
Oh, I might have though about it that way at first when I saw how long the post was, but when it comes to the suggestions you made, they made perfect sense, so I went about implementing them. Actually, I'm going to be doing an assignment for my writing class, and if you'd like, I could always let you look at that, and I'd be glad for feedback.
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Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:11 pm
Oh my this is a very cruel, dark, sad, and lovely poem.
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Friendly Conversationalist
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Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 8:58 pm
What a lovely poem. Very sad, but amazing. I love it! (Well, not love as in I want to MARRY your poem, but you get it, right?)
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Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 2:06 pm
I really like your poem. It reminds me much of things in my life.
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