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 Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 7:21 am
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Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 8:23 pm
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Posted: Sat Mar 31, 2007 9:34 am
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Posted: Sat Mar 31, 2007 10:31 am
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Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Mando. Kathleen and Jaden enter - downwards (on wires)
Jaden: Morning
Angel (working as a waitress): Morning
Jaden: What have you got, then?
Angel Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Kathleen: Have you got anything without spam in it?
Angel: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Kathleen: I don't want ANY spam!
Jaden: Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
Kathleen: That's got spam in it!
Jaden: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
Kathleen: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.
Angel: Uuuuuuggggh!
Kathleen: What d'you mean uuugggh! I don't like spam
Mandos: (singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam ...
*Brief stock shot of a Mando battlefleet.*
Angel: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.
Kathleen: Why not!
Angel: No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage, would it.
Kathleen: I don't like spam!
Jaden: Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Mandos: (singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Jaden: ... baked beans, spam, spam and spam.
Angel: Baked beans are off.
Jaden: Well can I have spam instead?
Angel: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam?
Mandos: (still singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam ... (etc.)
Jaden: Yes.
Angel: Arrggh!
Mandos: .. . lovely spam, wonderful, spam.
Angel: Shut up! Shut up!
The Mandos shut up momentarily. Enter Link.
Link: Great boobies, honeybun, this one's lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam ...
Mandos: (starting up again) Spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Angel: Shut up!
Archie rushes in and bundles Link out.
Link: (confused) My nipples explode...
Cut to Stellar Magic.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'A HISTORIAN'
Stellar: Another great Mandalorian victory was at the Green Midget cafe on Dagobah. Once again the Mando strategy was the same. They sailed from these systems here, (indicating a map with arrows on it) assembled at Ord Mantell, and waited for the strong north-easterly solar winds to propel their heavy star frigates to Dagobah whence they sailed on May 23rd. Once on Dagobah they assembled in the Green Midget cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...
The backdrop behind him rises to reveal the cafe again, The Mandos start singing again and Stellar conducts them
Mandos: (singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, lovely spam, wonderful spam. Lovely spam wonderful spam ...
Jaden and kathleen rise slowly in the air
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'IN 2007 THE SECOND IMPERIUM LAY IN RUINS, AND THEN THE WORDS ON THE SCREEN SAID:'
Fade out and roll credits, which read:
THE SECOND IMPERIUM
WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND SPAM PERFORMED BY
SPAM CALE DARKSUN
NELO SPAM WULF
DES SPAM VOH SPAM
CELESTIA SPAM WHITESWORD
DARKENED SPAM SPAM
SPAM ANGEL
FROZEN SPAM EGG AND
CHIPS PHOENIX
NOSPAI SPAM SAUSAGE SPAM
EGG SPAM DEATHOUSE
ALSO APPEARING ON TOAST
THE FETT CLAN SPAM EGG
CHIPS AND SINGERS
RESEARCH STELLAR MAGIC AND SAUSAGE
MAKEUP PADME PADME PADME AND SPAM 18
COSTUMES EGG BAKED BEANS SAUSAGE AND TOMATO, OH, AND
PADME 18 AGAIN
ANIMATIONS BY NELO (EGG ON FACE) WULF
FILM CAMERADROID CAM(SPAM SAUSAGE EGG AND TOMATO)
BOT(NOT SUNDAYS)
FILM EDITOR GRAND (FRIED SLICE AND GOLDEN THREE DELICIOUS)
ADMIRAL (SPAM EXTRA) THRAWN
SOUND CHIPS SAUSAGE LIVERWURST, PHEASANT, SPAM, NEWSAGENTS, CHIPS, AND CELESTIA WHITESWORD
LIGHTING KAZE-KAGE (SPAM'S OFF DEAR) DAISUKO
DESIGNER ELLADAN ELLADAN ELLADAN ELLADAN KENET AND TOMATO
PRODUCED BY GRAND (MIXED GRILL) ADMIRAL THRAWN 7/&D
IBC SPAM HV
SERVICE NOT INCLUDED
Voice Over: The Nameless Mando and his Mandalorian hordes are currently appearing in 'Grin and Pillage it' at the Jodrell Theatre, Colwyn Bay. 'The Dirty Basic Phrase Book' is available from His Imperial Majesty's Stationery Office, price - a kiss on the bum.
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:44 am
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Ral Roke enters a pet shop:
Ral: Ol'val, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Ral: Ol'val, Miss?
Koth Ablon: What do you mean "miss"?
Ral: {pause} I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Koth: We're closin' for lunch.
Ral: Never mind that, my good bothan. I wish to complain about this mynock what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Koth: Oh yes, the, uh, the Vergresso Pink...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Ral: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, pal. He's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Koth: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Ral: Look, mate, I know a dead mynock when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Koth: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable ceature, the Vergresso Pink, idn'it, ay? Beautiful suckers!
Ral: The suckers don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Koth: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Ral: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) Ol'val, Mister Mikey Mynock! I've got a lovely fresh battery for you if you show...
(Koth hits the cage)
Koth: There, he moved!
Ral: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Koth: I never!!
Ral: Yes, you did!
Koth: I never, never did anything...
Ral: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ' OL'VAL MIKEY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes mynock out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Ral: Now that's what I call a dead mynock.
Koth: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Ral: STUNNED?!?
Koth: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Vergresso Pinks stun easily, Captain.
Ral: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of this. That mynock is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it "bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk."
Koth: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Asteroids.
Ral: PININ' for the ASTEROIDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him back to my ship?
Koth: The Vergresso Pink prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable critter, id'nit, Chief? Lovely Suckers!
Ral: Look, I took the liberty of examining that mynock when I got it onboard, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Koth: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that silicon based lifeform down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its claws, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Ral: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this thing wouldn't "voom" if you bolted a class .5 Hyperdrive to it! He's bleeding' demised!
Koth: No no! 'E's pining!
Ral: He's not "pinin'"! He's passed on! This mynock is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's packed his bags and made the last jump! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! his metabolic processes are now history! 'E's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, He's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and become one with the Force!! THIS IS AN EX-MYNOCK!!
(pause)
Koth: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
Ral: (To camera) If you want to get anything done in this alaxy you gotta complain till you're blue in the mouth!
Koth:(he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry chief, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of mynocks.
Ral: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Koth: {pause} I got a duck.
(pause)
Ral: (sweet as sugar) Does it, by chance, suck power from energy cables?
Koth: Nnnnot really.
Ral: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Koth: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Paradise City, he'll replace the mynock for you.
Ral: Paradise City, eh? Very well.
(Ral leaves.)
(Ral renters the same pet shop. Koth is putting on a false moustache.)
Ral: This is Paradise City, is it?
Koth: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Worlport.
Ral: (looking at the camera) That's public transportation for you.
(Ral goes to the hovertrain station. He addresses a droid standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)
Ral: I wish to complain, Mantellian-Railways Robot.
Beck: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Ral: I beg your pardon...?
Beck: I'm a masterpiece of Military Hardware! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Ral: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Beck: Well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.
Ral: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Paradise City hovertrain and found myself deposited here in Worlport.
Beck: No, this is Paradice City.
Ral: (to the camera) The Bothan's brother was lying!!
Beck: Can't blame Mantellian Rail for that. Rou do and I'll vaporize your organs.
Ral: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
(He does.)
Ral: I understand this IS Paradise City.
Koth: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Ral: You told me it was Worlport!
Koth: ...It was a pun.
Ral:(pause) A PUN?!?
Koth: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Ral: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Koth: Yeah, that's it!
Ral: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Paradise City" would be "Ytic Esidarap"!! It don't work!!
Koth: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Ral: Well.
(pause)
Koth: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Ral: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
*Text scrolls*
And thus with that fateful run in at a petshop in Paradise City did Koth and Ral first meet and begin their adventure filled partnership. Next week, the origin of DA's aversion to clothing!
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:00 pm
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:28 pm
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 10:25 pm
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 9:18 am
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 11:52 am
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:Han and Leia at the Echo Base Cafetreia:
:Han is by himself at a table, polishing his blaster:
:Leia walks up. She asks Chewie if he wants to try some of her stew. He refuses:
Leia- Hey, Han!
:Han looks up:
Han- Yes, your worshipfulness?
Leia- I... er... made some stew. It's not much, but it's hot.
:Han is skeptical, but politely takes it:
Han- Hm... Thank you.
:Han tries the stew, which is steaming hot, despite the frigid temperature. He finds it disgusting, and slurps it up, a very unappeased look onn his face:
Han- It's... good.
Leia- REALLY?
:Han nods. She starts walking away. Just as he is about to dump it, she returns:
Leia- My father told me you once served with Thengel, my grandfather.
:Han is utterly confused:
Han- Who?!
Leia- Er.... oh, sorry. Wrong script. Can we do that over?
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 2:36 pm
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Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 12:58 pm
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((Just when you thought it was over))
The Jedi have defeated the sith countless times. However, a new enemy confounds and defeats even the mighty Jedi order...
Several jedi are seen "riding" banthas, which are of course not there. They come to a mighty palace in the middle of the tatooinian countryside, as the leader raises his hand to hald the party. A non-force user blows a horn to announce their arrival.
Luke: Hello?
No answer is returned, however, the knights persist.
Luke: HELLO?
Suddenly, a sith pops out of the top of the palace.
Sith: Hello? Who is it?
Luke: It is Luke Skywalker, and these are my knights of the Jedi Order. Who's palace is this?
Sith: This is the palace of my crime lord associate, Zorba de 'la Hutt!
Luke: Go and tell your associate, that we have been charged by the Force, with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holocron.
Sith: Well I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very clean. Ah, he's already got one you see?
Luke: What?
Corran: *turns to luke* He says they already got one.
Luke: Are you sure he's got one?
Sith: Oh yes, its very nice. *turns to three other sith* I told them we already got one. *all laugh*.
Luke: Well, um... Can we come up and have a look?
Sith: Of course not! You are Jedi Types!
Luke: Well what are you then?
Sith: I'm Sith. Why do you think I have this outrageous skin tone and poor dental health you silly Master?
Corran: What are you doing on Tatooine?
Sith: Mind your own buiseness!
Luke: If you will not show us the holocron, we shall take your palace by force!
Sith: You don't frighten us you jedi gammoreandogs! Go and boil your bottoms you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you so called Luke Master! You and all your silly Jedi Kinnnn-igits! *blows raspberry*
Corran: What a strange person.
Luke: Now look here you...
Sith: I don't want to talk to you no more you empty headed vaporator moisture collecter wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a kawakian monkey lizard and your father smelt of Juma berrys.
Corran: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
Sith: No. Now go away or I'll taunt you a second time.
Luke: *looks at corran* We cannot repel firepower of that magnitude!
Corran: *looks back* Han will have that shield down, we just have to give him more time!
Elsewhere...
Han: Chewy, set a course for Tatooine.
Chewy: *rawr*
Han: Maximum warp. I'm about to commit a direct violation of our orders. Any of you who wish to object should do so now. It will be noted in my log.
3P0: Captain, I believe I speak for everyone here, sir, when I say... to hell with our orders.
Han: Red alert. All hands to battle stations. Engage.
The Falcon warps to Tatooine, where a furious battle is being waged around a cubic power generator far from the palace. A MC 80 is seen flying around.
Helmsman: Main power's off-line. We've lost shields. Our weapons are gone.
Ackbar: Perhaps today is a good day to die. Prepare for ramming speed!
Helmsman: Sir, there's another starship coming in. It's the Falcon!
Leia: I have a patient here who insists on coming to the bridge.
han: Welcome aboard the Millenium Falcon, Admiral Ackbar.
Ackbar: Thank you, sir. Home One?.
Han: Adrift, but salvageable.
Lando: Tough little ship.
Ackbar: *incredulous* Little?
Han: Admiral, we could use some help at Tactical.
(when Ackbar takes control of Tactical, Lando approaches him)
Lando: You do remember how to fire Blasters?
(as he sees ackbar indignant, he walks away smiling)
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Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 4:09 pm
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-RotJ: Luke Confront's the Emperor-
Luke: I am a Jedi, like my father before me.
Palpantine: So be it, Jedi
(Elevators open suddenly. A Bald fellow with white skin and a decorative Red Tattoo over his face and chest is reading off a piece of paper and looks to the three confused Force Users in the room.)
Kratos: Which of you mortals is the one known as -glances at paper- "Palpantine"?"
Palps: *Points to luke.* Him.
Kratos: Right. *Looks to Luke* Ok pal, the Gods have had it with your shenanigans. Killing all the jedi, plunging the galaxy into two of the messiest wars in its history, and, more importantly, for your incredible hubris. Seriously, Ive met and killed some egotistical bastards in my day, but you rank at number one.
Palps: Why thank you-*Claps his hand over his own mouth*
Kratos: *Peers curiously at Palps, then eyes Luke* I take it you're not Palpantine.
Luke: Do I look evil and old as all hell?!
Kratos: Good point. My bad. *Chaos blade flicks out from his wrist and spears Palps as he tries to sneak away. Kratos gives a sudden tug and the old man flies towards him.* Get over here!
*Insert messy evisceration sceen*
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Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 4:44 pm
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Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 7:28 pm
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