Lines You'll Never Hear

[Sol Walker]

(Chancellor Palpantine is watching the Clone Legions mobilize for the first time and begin boarding Assault ships departing Coruscant.)
Palps:.....I think I just had an evilgasm.  

[Sol Walker]

Thrawn: You ask what is best in life? It is remarkably simple. It is to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.  

[ElladanKenet]

Borga the Hutt- Ya know, maybe we should've had Krayt burgers last week... *Is eaten*  

[Capn Deep Blusi]

Young Obi: Where in the world is my master, now?

Qui-Gon: *slurring* Hey, Obi Kenobi! Whatsh the matter? You look tenshe.

Obi: Well, no kidding! We have to negotiate Naboo's release, and you're wasted!

Qui-Gon: I'm not washted. I jusht took a few drinksh. Thash all!

Obi: That's all? You drank everything in the bar, then when you couldn't find more, you killed the barkeep and drank his blood.

Qui-Gon: Thash a delicashy in *hic* Rodia. Ashk any of those horn-headsh!

Obi: Those are Zabraks, master.

Qui-Gon: They're all the *hic* shame! They don't speak bashic!

Obi: Zabraks do.

Qui-Gon: Whatever, let's just get gungan-land free. *storms off*

Obi: No problem, Qui-Gon Gin and Tonic.  

[Sol Walker]

*Scene from Legacy 3*

*In an effort to find the missing Link, Sha'ra and Leida track down his parents, hoping they could help.*

Leida: [knocks on the door]

Mr. Darksun: [opens it ad sees the two of them] Well, aren't you little girls just cute as the dickens?

Sha'ra: You're Link's parents?

Mrs. Darksun: Yes, all his life.

Leida: [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!

Mr. Darksun: Well, he should be out now directly.

Mrs. Darksun: He's so excited about fighting the Sith now.

Mr. Darksun: Say, would you girls like to hear about the time we met the Loch Ness Monster?

Leida: [impatiently] No, that's okay-wait the what?

Mr. Darksun: Ooh... it must have been about seven, eight years ago.... Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the pre-Republic Era comes out of the water.

Mrs. Darksun: We was so scared, Force have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what in Space is that creature?"

Mr. Darksun: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...

Mrs. Darksun: Oh, it was so scary!

Mr. Darksun: ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fiddy."

[long pause]

Sha'ra: What's tree-fiddly?

Mr. Darksun: Three credits and fifty centacreds.

Mrs. Darksun: Tree-fiddly.

Leida: He wanted money?

Mr. Darksun: That's right. I said, "I ain't givin' you no tree-fiddly, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"

Mrs. Darksun: I gave him a dollar.

Mr. Darksun: She gave him a dollar.

Mrs. Darksun: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.

Mr. Darksun: Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!  

[Padme18]

Vader: 3PO, I am you father.
3PO: Oh no!  

[Sol Walker]

((An unaired Special Edition of Jeopardy smile )

GAT: Welcome back to "Star Wars Celebrity Jeopardy". I am your host, Grand Admiral Thrawn, taking over for Alex Trebek, who during the Comercial break had to be hospitalized for third degree Blaster Burns.

Cale Darksun: I told him to Dance. Sithsucker didn't dance.

GAT: Shut up you. Now, before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from using ethnic and specieal slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Nebuchanezzer Wulf has set a new "Jeopardy" record with -230,000 Credits.

Neb: Your aloof and Analytical persona will crumble before me, Blueboy. I will destroy your will in a manner similar to how I crushed Trebek's sanity.

Alex Trebek: Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? From Star Wars Legacy: Dark Resurrection and Factions, Freya Starsinger in second place with -$17,000.

Freya: Like Yay! I'm Like, so totaly yayful!

GAT: Right. And finally, back again, Cale Darksun in a commanding lead with $14.

Cale: Hey. Hey. Check out the podium. Look at this.

GAT: Mr. Darksun has apparently changed his name to Sith-hole Williams.

Cale: Yeah, that's right. Sith-hole Williams. It's a funny name.

GAT: Great. Let's take a look at the final board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables"; "Sharp Things"; "Movies That Start with the Word Jaws"; "A Petit Déjeuner" - that category is about French phrases, so let's just skip it.

Cale: Hey, uh, I speak a little French. Ee chuta, pardon my French. [ does a quick laugh ]

Freya: Like Ohmygod! My name's, like, French!

Cale: No it ain't you dumb broad. Shut your Sith-Hole.

GAT: Moving on.. "Animal Sounds"; "Condiments"; and finally, "Your a** or a Hole in the Ground". Mr. Darksun, unfortunately you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.

Cale: Yeah, I'll take the condom thing for, uh.. eight K.

GAT: ....That's "Condiments". For $400. "This condiment is made from mustard seeds". [ Freya buzzes in ] Ms Starsinger.

Freya: Like....its like...like you know...the red stuff.[ buzzer sounds ]

GAT: If you were trying to say ketchup, then you're wrong. [ Cale buzzes in ] Cale Darksun.

Cale: That's not my name.

GAT: Okay. Sith-hole Williams.

Cale: [ laughs ] Yeah, what do ya want?

GAT: You buzzed in.

Cale: No I didn't.

GAT: Yes you did.

Cale: Yeah, well, that's your opinion.

GAT: ...I hate my job. The answer was "mustard". Mustard is made from mustard seeds. Mr. Darksun, it's still your board.

Cale: Yeah well, why don't you give me, ah.. why don'tcha give me Ape Tit for 200.

GAT: It's not "Ape Tit." It's A Petit.. [ shakes head ] ..never mind! Let's just go to "Animal Sounds" for 600. This is the sound a doggy makes. [ Neb buzzes in ] Mr. Wulf.

Neb: Moo. [ buzzer sounds ]

GAT: No.

Neb: Well, that's the sound your mother made last night. [ Smirks ]

GAT: Okay, that's not necessary. [ Cale buzzes in ] Cale Darksun.

Cale: Who is, ah, Scooby Doo? [ buzzer sounds ]

GAT: No.

Cale: That was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van, smoked pot and, ah, solved mysteries.

GAT: That is incorrect.

Cale: No, that's correct. I remember he had a nephew...named crappy or something.

GAT: No. [ Freya buzzes in ] Freya Starsinger, the sound a dog makes.

Freya: Mew!! mewmewmewmewmew!! [ buzzer sounds ]

GAT: No! Good Lord! We would've accepted "bow-wow" or "ruff"!

Neb: Ah, rough. Just the way your mother likes it Thrawn. As I'm sure Cale can attest as well.

Cale: [ off stage ] Hell yes.

GAT: Come on, that's way out of line, but.. [ Cale walks up to GAT wearing a large foam cowboy hat ] Mr. Darksun, what are you doing?

Cale: Look, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It's funny.

GAT: No, it's not. go back to your podium

Cale: Sure it is. It's funny. It's funny because it's ah, bigger than, ah.. [ clears throat ] ..you know, a normal hat. And its all foamy.

GAT: I see that. Get back to your podium.

Cale: [ laughs ] Take a look at that!

GAT: Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. [ Cale goes back to his podium ] It's not funny. What's going on? Okay, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is.. you know what? I tell you what, just write a number. Any number, any number and you win. [ music starts ] We'll accept any number, any number at all.. a one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It's that simple, I know you can do this. [ music ends ] Let's start with Freya Starsinger, who's grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself. Think you've got the right answer?

Freya: Like totally!.

GAT: Well, all you had to do was write down a number. And you wrote.. [ shows Freya's screen ] ..Threeve. A combination of three and five. [ Freya nods ] Simply stunning. And you wagered.. [ shows his wager ] ...Besbin with a credit sign in front of it. I'm speechless.

Freya: Groovy!!

GAT: Shut up. Mr. Darksun..

Cale: Yeah, don't bother, I didn't write anything.

GAT: Good work, all right. Finally, Mr. Wulf.. the category was Numbers, and you wrote.. [ shows his screen ] ..a letter V. Well, I tell you what, my friend - V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered.. [ wager is revealed to use the V as part of a K in "Suck it Thrawn" ] "Suck it thrawn". [ Neb smirks. ] That's all the time we have. I will be getting back to he Chimaera so Ruhk can stab me.
[ fade out ]  

[Capn Deep Blusi]

I think I saw that episode. Cale was Burt, Neb was Sean, but who was Freya?  

[Darkened Angel]

(( Freya's a spoof of Adam Sandler's char... And now I got inspired. ))

GAT: Foreign Flicks for $200, and the answer is...
DA: * buzzes in *
GAT: But I haven't read it yet...
DA: Trey Feron, Bolba the Hutt, and Cale Darksun 924 times.
GAT: That's Foreign FLicks, not... Oh nevermind.  

[Missing00]

GAT: Mr. Missing what is this object?
MNI: Yes thank you, that's a umm... what do you call it when you umm... when you when you punish criminals in uh... in days of yore it was uh... and you put them in the square... and those...
GAT: You mean the stocks or a pillary?
MNI: Yes exactly. *buzzer*
GAT: it's a freaking hammer!
MNI: Well of course it is.  

[Missing00]

Capn Deep Blusi

I think I saw that episode. Cale was Burt, Neb was Sean, but who was Freya?

she was French Stewart.  

[Darkened Angel]

GL: Okay, I normally don't get involved here, but I need you guys to tell me who want as the new star. Luke is sick with the flu and can't save the day for another week or so.

Leia: Jarjar Binks.
Hans: Binks.
C3P0: Jarjar.
R2: Beep boo-boop. ( Binks )
Chewwie: Raaaarl. ( Binks )

...

Jarjar Binks: Mesa awesome!  

[Sol Walker]

((DA, I'd spank you for that if I didn't think you'd enjoy the act.....Screw it. *Spank* bad girl. No one likes Binks.))  

[Darkened Angel]

In a world where thugs and violence rule the streets...

Al'Ca Pown: If someone messes with me, I'll mess with him.

A handful of mercernaries decide to clean up Nar Shaddaa.

Ma'Loan: You wanna get Al'Ca Pown? Here's how. He pulls a vibroknife...
* scene showing a thug pull a vibroknife *
Ma'Loan: ... You pull a blaster.
* scene showing a merc draw his blaster *
Ma'Loan: He sends one of yours to a Bacta tank...
* scene showing a Sec Force officer being injured *
Ma'Loan: ... You send one of his to Corellia's Nine Hells.
* scene showing an outlaw ship exploding *
Ma'Loan: That's the Nar Shaddaa way, and that is how you get Al'Ca Pown.

Hayden Crappyson is Elle'Ut Ness.
Guest starring Canderous Ordo as Jimmy Ma'Loan.
With Jarjar Binks as Al'Ca P- Hey, wait a minute! Dammit, GL, this is MY creation, stay the @$*% outta my production!

GL: Sorry. I just wanna be part of something that doesn't suck. crying

With Johnny Depp as Al'Ca Pown.

The Official Star Wars Guild proudly presents...

The Unsithables, coming to Holonets in 25 ABY.  

[Sol Walker]

((Link and Ferno are about to duel each other, Lightsabers in hand))

Ferno:

Link: This one has no time for talk. He has come to put an end to your mad schemes!

Ferno: *Sigh*

Link: Oro?

((Running foot steps can be heard rapidly getting closer until Finally Cale burst upon the scene, panting and out of breath.))

Link: Oro?!

Ferno: ....

((Cale spends a few moments to catch his breath, then runs over and slaps Link across the Face.))

Cale: You Dolt!!! You just messed up a Cowboy Bebop reference!! When he says that devil and angels thing, you're supposed to say "I'm just watching a bad dream that I can't wake up from."-

Ferno: (To Link) See? He understood.

Cale:...And then he's supposed to say : "I'll wake you up right now." Then you say "What's your rush, Ferno? After all, it's been a long time." And then-

Link: Um, I really don't think-

Cale: Thats the problem! you dont think! Now tell him to say that first line again!

Link: Uh....

Ferno:

Cale: Huh?

Ferno:

Cale: Oh that. Well I'm reading the subtitles.

Ferno: <....subtitles...>

Cale: Yeah. All Star Wars movies have subtitles when important alien speakers converse in a different language from Basic. They crop up while you're talking.

Ferno: *Shakes his head slowly* <...Subtitles...Well then, mortal. Would you care to explain how you managed to even get here from over a century past?

Cale: With this (Holds up odd looking cellphone like device) my latest stolen toy: the 4th Door Device. It allows me to show up at random anywhere in time, space, and Gaian Guild by creating temporary holes in the 4th wall. Thats how I can also read the subtitles despite being a character in another Role Play.

Link: (To Ferno) And its for reasons like this that this one is glad he is not like his anscestor.

Cale: That reminds me. I have some final important wisom from the past to bestow upon you before I go. Come here my descendent.

Link: Oro?

Cale: *Yank's Link's underwear up over his head* Turbo Space wedgie! Thats what you get for being a jedi!

Link: (After a pause guestures with the Force and by itself, Cale's Underwear gives him a massive wedge, suspending him in mid air.) That was worth slipping temporarily to the Dark Side.

Ferno: