Lines You'll Never Hear

[Missing00]

*At the D&D roleplay tournament Cale Darksun, Nelowulf, and Elvisnake enter to kick a** and chew gum, and they're all out of gum. Just then, a mad beat entered the air and Cale decided to to throw down his skills, in both RPing and rapping.*

Cale: Be agressive B-E agressive,
be agressive B-E agressive.
Just one girly at the tourny and it's kill or be killed,
the dungeon master is the b*****d know as Pleenie B. Ill but I,
I could feel it, coming through the air that night,
oh lord my sword's out,
Jesus just advert your eyes.
Took me years to develop these skills,
Im untouchable thanks to these pills,
The way's paved with knaves that I boredly slayed,
see me commin' better run for those hills.
Listen up now, You got me killin', uh
you got me blind with feelings,
I crush your face, I take your jewels, you have no way of dealin',
Be agressive B-E agressive,
Be agressive B-E agressive.
Nelo: Mirror mirror, uh, upon the wall, uh,
who's the baddest ******** of them all? Uh,
Just like Columbus, uh, he get the bloodlust, uh.
Just like Columbus he get murderus on purpose.
Cale: You got me hurtin', uh,
you got me pullin' curtians.
You suckin' chille dogs while I go on my crazed berzerkin'.
Be agressive B-E agressive,
Be agressive B-E agressive.
Tens and Twenteys,
What's so ********' 20 10!
Sweet Jesus please just get me through this,
take me home again,
but Im all up in the Death Woods snap,
Im up all in the Death woods s**t,
Im up all heavy with the winnings not to mention all the sinning and now Im lost in the Death Woods crap.
In the valley of the shadow a Boo Berry attacked,
he was the hitman of the girly who survied to last,
she was the cuetest necromancer, I ever did see,
I almost wished myself to die so she could win the whole thing, but, but,
Be agressive B-E agressive,
Be agressive B-E agressive...  

[Darkened Angel]

Luke: Screw this hero stuff, I'm moving back to Tatooine to be a moisture farmer.
Yoda: Without you, lose we will. Save the day, you must.
Luke: I was raised in the kriffing desert with hardly anything. You want me to beat the Sith, give me a damned big screen or something worthwhile.
Yoda: Have that, we do not.
Luke: Then the Jedi are sithed. I'm outta here.  

[Missing00]

*GA Thrawn, leader of the guild, is dead. Taken from this mortal coil by a freak cooking accident involving a bucket of boilng water, butter, and an angry lobster. A reading of his will is taking place in a small office where his freinds, family, and guildmates wait on the edge of their seat to see what kind of loot they got from knowing the guy.*

Missing: As the executor of Mr. Thrawn's estate I am empowered to read Mr. Trawn's last will and testement.
Cale: Well get on with it the bars open soon.
Sayla: Oh poor dear Thrawn Whaaaaaaaaa!
Des: Oh there there Sayla.
Nelo: God how predictiably boring...
DA: I never worked for a kinder man.
Missing: If we are all seated I shall proccede with the reading.
Nelo: I knew it.
Cale: Heheheheh.
Missing: "I Grand Admiral Thrawn being of sound mind and body,"
Cale: That's a laugh hahaha
Missing: "Do hearby divide up my considerable estate as follows: to my overly emotinal sister Sayla,"
Sayla: Whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Des: Sayla darling he's talking about us.
Sayla: oh,
Missing: "Who grubbed with her husband Des voh, grubbed for everything they could get from me and cryed crocidile tears when I needed sympathy."
Sayla: What?
Missing: "To Sayla I leave, a boot to the head."
Sayla: A what?! *booted in the head* OW!
Des: Sayla are you okay?
Missing: "And another boot to her wimpy husband Des."
Des: *booted in the head* OW!
Cale: Hahahah!
Sayla: This is an outrage!
Missing: "Ah but still, you are my sister, and you have both admired my Rolls Royce and since I no longer need it,"
Sayla: Oh dear Thrawn he's too kind.
Missing: "I bequeth another boot the the head."
Sayla: What?! *booted in the head* OW!
Cale: Hahahaha!
Missing: "And one more for the wimp."
Des: *booted in the head* OW!
Missing: "Next for my alcoholic brother,"
Cale: Hey I dont want no boot the head!
Missing: "To dear Cale who has never worked a day in his drunken life,"
Cale: Im coverin' my head.
Missing: "I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey,"
Cale: ...Really?
Missing: "and a boot to the head,"
Cale: *booted in the head* Oh!
Missing: "and another for Sayla and the wimp."
Sayla: *booted in the head* Uh!
Des: *booted in the head* Ah!
Missing: "Next to my know-it-all nephew Nelowulf,"
Nelo: This is so predictible.
Missing: "I leave a boot to the head,"
Nelo: *booted in the head* Ah! I knew it.
Missing: "and one for Sayla and the wimp."
Sayla: *booted in the head* Uh!
Des: *booted in the head* Oh!
Missing: This takes care of family obligations. "And now to Ms. Angel,"
DA: Oh, I dont want nothing.
Missing: "Who took care of me faithfully these many many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea,"
DA: Oh I didnt mind.
Missing: "To Ms. Angel I bequeth, a boot to the head."
Da: *booted in the head* Oh!
Missing: "and one for Sayla and the wimp."
Sayla: *booted in the head* Ah!
Des: *booted in the head* Oh!
Missing: "And so to my cat, Mittens, I leave my entire vast- Boot to the head."
Mittens: *booted in the head* Meowwwww!
Missing: "And finally to my lawyer who has helped me on this will I leave not a boot to the head, but a rabid tazmanian devil to be placed in his trousers."? *Rabid tazmanian devil placed in pants* Oh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh ahhhh ahhhhh!! "and-I-leave-my-enire-estate-of-ten-million-dollars-to-the-people-of-Calgiri-so-they-afford-to-move-somewhere-decent."! *rabid tazmanian devil taken out of pants*
Des: Is that it?
Nelo: That's it?!
Cale: That's disgraceful!
Missing: there's on last thing for everyone.
Cale: Cover your heads everybody.
Missing: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of icecream."
Des: Icecream?
Cale: Icecream?
Nelo: Icecream? Is that all?
Missing: That's all.
DA: Well what flavor is it?
Missing: "Boot to the head!"
Everyone: *booted to the head.*  

[elvisnake]

Lenler: Well, now that I'm head of the rebellion, let's all... uh... Kill things!  

[Darkened Angel]

Charr: * eyeing Diana lustfully * Take your panties off.
Diana: No.  

[Sol Walker]

*A more likely scenario*

Diana sad Eyes Charr lustfully) Wanna see me take my panties off?

Charr: No. Now get back out on patrol.  

[Sol Walker]

*Spoiler alert!! Heres the Ending to Halo 3!*
----------------------------------
*MasterChief, Sergeant Major Johnson, Miranda Keyes, the Arbiter, and a Holographic Image of Cortana, look over a scarred battlefield of Earth. Downed Covenent ships, piles of Covenant and Flood Infected corpses littler the field. A calm has descended upon the scene of carnage. The war is over. The Enemy defeated, Earth safe at last.*

Miranda: I can't believe it.

Johnson: Believe it. We shitstomped those alien slimballs!* Looks to the Arbiter* Um...No offence...

Arbiter: *Ignores him* This was a costly battle. It will take many years for either of our peoples to fully recover. But with such a price, we have saved the universe itself.

Cortana: I detect no further enemy presences within the Sol System. We've done it, Chief. We've finished the fight.

*Master Chief remains silent, staring out at the field as though lost in thought.*

Cortana: Chief?

Johnson: Cheer up Chief. We beat the bad Guys, saved the planet, Galaxy, and Universe- Hell, you're the savior of known space. You'd think you'd have something to say about that.

Master Chief: Savior?

*He Slowly reaches up and removes his helmet. He turns back to look at the assembled party. Everyone is looking on in awe and shock.*

Master Chief: (revialed to be a Fettclone) I'm just a simple man, trying to make my way in the Universe.  

[Sol Walker]

-Ad for Team Fortress 2: Entropy Mod-

((Charr is walking back and forth before an assembled group of soldiers, as though instructing them))

Charr: "If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!" The Rodian warrior Philosopher Sa'an Tzuu said that. And I think he knows a little more about fighting than you puss spewing shiznos because He Invented it, long before you monkeys had even figured out how to throw your feces at one another. And then he perfected so no living sentient could best him in the ring of honor.
Then, because he was the father of mercenaries, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal in the galaxy. And then he herded them all onto a ship, dropped them onto his own planet, and proceeded to beat the crap out of every single one, devouring the still beating hearts of his prey as he mercilessly slaughtered them all for his own amusement.
*Gets a little teary eyed in admiration and sniffles* Truly an inspiration to his people.
*Snaps back to utter seriousness* And from that day forward any time a bunch of different animals were collected in one place it was called a Tzuu, translated to basic as Zoo.

*Camera shifts to reveal that the soldiers he was talking to were just decapitated heads with rebel helmits on*

Charr:*ponders a moment* Well...unless its a farm...thats something else entirely...  

[Nelowulf]

During one slow day for the rebellion...

Diana: There's got to be something to do.
Charr: Amuse the droid. It's bored too. Don't bother me.
Diana: But what am I gonna do with a droid?
Charr: I dunno. Clean, lubricate, rub down, play a game with it or something. Just busy yourself....


Diana: *ponders for a moment* You mean, you can really do that with a droid?
Charr: Sure, why wouldn't you?
Diana: But don't people think of that as unnatural?
Charr: Nah. Good owners do it all the time.
Diana: So its pretty common, then, would you say?
Charr: I guess so.
Diana: Have you done that then?
Charr: Nah. I don't really own one, so I don't have a chance every so often. Now go have some fun with it or something.

Diana:*begins taking off clothes* I guess it'll be a new experience. It may even be better than a hutt....  

[Darkened Angel]

Vader: Luke, I'm your father.
Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Vader: See? You even have my emo scream.  

[Missing00]

-Another ad for Team Fortress 2: Galactic empire mod-
((Nelowulf is sitting infront of a hovertruck on a box with a counter next to him reading "209" while strumming a guitar))
Nelo: Hey look buddy, Im an engineer, that means I solve problems. (a shot if fired into the hover truck behind him close to his head.) Not problems like "What is beauty?" because that would fall within the perview of your conundrums of philosophy. (two more shots are fired into the truck behind him) I solve practacal problems. (Nelo takes a swig of whiskey while a few shots beside him are fired and a scream of pain and death echo into the night. The counter beside him rolls over to "210") For instance, how am I gonna stop some big mean mother hubbard from tearing me a structually superfulous new behind? (a turret next to Nelo darts towards an enemy and fires a few rounds into him. The counter now reads "211") The answer? (a duel machine gun turret fires into another enemy. "212")
Use a gun, and if that dont work? (a rocket turret fires at another enemy) Use more gun. (Nelo waits and smiles when he hears the sound of an explosion in the distance. A dismembered hand lands near a turret and said turret aims at it seeing if it is a threat or not. "214" reads the counter) Like this heavy calibur tripod mounted little old number, designed by me,(Nelo kicks the arm and the turret fires at it.) built by me, (The turret then whips around to shoot another enemy. "215") and you best hope...not pointed at you. (The four different turrets surounding Nelo fire off at multiple enemies as the counter beside him keeps racking up the kills and Nelo keeps calmly strumming his guitar.)  

[Darkened Angel]

Palps: Vader, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Vader: I think so, Master, but an exhaust port... Bad idea.  

[Sol Walker]

Palps: You have faild me for the last time, Colonel Akaga. (Reaches out hand, Akaga begins to choke)

Akaga sad Snaps awake) Bloody hell....what a horrid dream...

Ford: (turns over in the bed to face him) Whats wrong honey?

Akaga: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Akaga: (snaps awake) What a horrid dream....(glances over to see a pistol pressed against his head)

Charr: Morning, sunshine. Time to die.

Akaga: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Akaga: (Wakes up again) Sith spit....just one bad dream after another....I'll never again have that many shots of Juri Juice again...

Kara: (Mumbling on the other side of the bed)...seal your hatch, sir...its 4 in the morning....go back to bed.

Akaga: (Blinks in disbelief) YES!!!!

Kara: (Wakes up in a cold sweat)

C4: (Lying next to her)

Kara: (nods) First I dreamnt I was Akaga, and that all these bad dreams kept happening to me....then I dreamt I banged myself as Akaga....It was horrid...

C4:

Charr: (Snaps awake in the middle of the night on the open veld near a dying campfire, his hobbled mount nearby. He doesnt say anything, merely grabbing his blaster pistol, setting it to stun, and shooting himself in the head, dropping back to sleep)

(Pan over across the dried grassy plain to where GAT sits at a desk in full Imperial Grand Admiral Dress.)

GAT: And now for something completely different.  

[Darkened Angel]

Vader: Master, the rebels are approaching.
Palps: Fire the SPECIAL-special BEAM-beam CANNON!-cannon

* Death Star fires a beam of energy that has an outer spiral layer, which makes contact with a rebel ship, resulting in a huge cloud of dust *

Palps: Ha! That got them.

* dust cloud clears, the ship is perfectly fine *

Palps: WHAT!? NO WAY!

* Luke busts in *

Luke: I CHALLENGE YOU TO MORTAAAAAAL KOOOMMMBAAAAAT!

Announcer: Round 1... FIGHT!
Palps: You'll never get past my SONIC BOOM! * launches an energy blast *
Luke: HADOUKEN! * launches an energy blast too, the 2 blasts cancel each other out *
Palps: You fool. You think you can defeat the Master? You can never win. To the pits of Hell with you, Strider Skywalker. HAHAHAHAHAHAHO!
Luke: SHORYUKEN! * uppercuts Palpatine *
Palps: GAAAAAAAAGH!
Announcer: FINISH HIM!
Luke: Ka... Me... Ha... Me... HAAAAA! * fires a massive energy blast, knocking Palpatine through the wall, blowing a hole through it that causes everything to be sucked outside, killing Palpatine, Vader, and himself in the process.
Announcer: HEADSHOT!
Announcer: MULTI KILL!
Announcer: KILLING SPREE!

Luke Skywalker was looking good until he killed his dumb self.

Yellow Team wins!

Jarjar: Mesa win! MESA WIN! Wait until Ani hears this! ... Ani? Ani, where are you, Ani? ANI!?  

[Shinn Matsunaga]

Jacen Solo: Finally, I shall rule the Galaxy as my ancestor had designed! The Universe shall tremble under the power of the Dark Side!

*Flash of light and five mandos in colored armor pose infront of Jacen*

Green Mando: Hold it, Solo. You're not going anywhere.

Jacen: *Whiny* I'm not Jacen Solo!! I'm Darth Caedus now!!

Green Mando: I dont care what you're calling yourself. You're days are numbered. Mandos, assemble!

Yellow Mando: Novoc Vevut!

Blue Mando: Goron Breven!

Red Mando: Isko Talgal!

Black Mando: Jaing Skirata!

Green Mando: Mirta Gev! And together we are...

Mandos: (In unison) The Mighty Morphin' Mandalorians! (Pose again)

Jacen: (speechless... for a few seconds) You're sithing me...*Starts laughing* You Honestly think that a bunch of Sentai Mandalorian protectors are going to scare me?! (ignights lightsaber and his cloak billows menacingly) You're all a joke! No Forceless little Mando punks can possibly stand up to Darth Caedus, the True Lord of the Sith!

Mirta: Oh yeah?

Jacen: (Smug) Absolutley. Without the Force, you are nothing! *Blasts Lightning at them*

*Mandos dodge and attack with blsters in an exciting fight scene that I dont feel like describing filled with explosions and seemingly choreographed fightingn where Jacen just barely manages to dispatch the Mandos. as they lie wouned and battered before him, he gloats*

Jacen: Behold the true power of the Dark side! No one can match my might!

????: I can.

Jacen: *spins about to face a white armored Mando* And who the hell are you? Another color-coordinated Mando thug?

White Mando: Something like that. You might have heard of me.

*Suddenly snap kicks Jacen across the face. Jacen's eyes go wide as he goes flying. The White Mando charges at him, bashes the stock of his carbine in Jacen's stomach, then elbows him in the face with practiced speed.*

White Mando: They call me Boba Fett. And its about time I hand you the a** kicking your daddy should have given you. Plus what ever I feel your old man should have gotten from our past association. Mandos! Rally!

*The Mandos, revitalized, form back up up. Fett leaps back and poses with them. Jacen staggers to his feet and scowls angrily, visibly drawing on the Dark side to power himself.*

Boba: Guess what, Jacen? Its Mando time.

*All the Mandos snap up high powered repeaer blasters in unison and-much to Jacen's surprise- open fire with solid sheets of energy, hosing the area with fire. Then they load and fire their grenade launcher attachments, then fire their back mounted rockets, then do a vigoruous blaster hosing until their barrells glow with heat. When the dust clears, Jacen is just a smudge on the charred floor*

Boba: Yeah...that was so worth the Power Rangers rip off.