Lines You'll Never Hear

[Missing00]

*a little ditty starts to play as DA takes the stage and grabs the mic and starts to sing about her recent mad science experiment.*
DA:This Was A Triumph
I'm Making A Note Here:
HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.
Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.

But there's no sense crying
over every mistake.
You just keep on trying
till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are
Still Alive

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data
make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLAD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are
still alive.

Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else
to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa. . .
THAT WAS A JOKE. HAHA FAT CHANCE.
Anyway. this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking
When There's Science to do.
When I look out there,
it makes me GLAD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are
still alive.

And believe me I am still alive.

I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.

I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.

While you're dying I'll be still alive.

And when you're dead I will be still alive.

Still alive.

Still alive...  

[Sol Walker]

(Scene: ESB; Luke leaving Dagobah)

Obiwan: That boy was our last hope.

Yoda: No. There is another.

(energy beams suddenly wrap around a startled Obi-wan and he's suddenly sucked into a strange glowing box slid underneath him. The Box seals closed on him and emits a loud hiss of steam. Cale and Missing emerge from the underbrush, Proton guns smoking)

Cale: That'll be 2000 credtis pal, plus an extra 1000 for a house call to the middle of nowhere.

Yoda: (Fumbling around for wallet) worth it that was. Enough of that guy I had when alive he was.

Missing: You also owe us the other half for that Qui-gon job too.  

[Sol Walker]

*Charr and Leny spy on some Stormtroopers guarding the entrance to the Imp HQ*

Leny: Hmm...How are we going to get inside?
Charr: I got a plan.

*Short time later*

Leny: Hey boys!
*Stormies look*
Leny: Look what I got here!
*Pulls Charr into the open*
Charr: Hey, where're all the human women at?

*Stormies charge off to arrest them and chase them out of sight. Sounds of a scuffle emerge. Ourheroes reapear clad in Imperial Armor andslip into the base*  

[Sol Walker]

((Episode 3 Fight climax))

Obiwan: Its over, Anakin! I have the High Ground!

*Clip pauses*

Darth Vader sad Suit voice, voice over) Ok, so here were my options: A. Look at the situation tactically and push Kenobi back with the Force, then jump the gap with an overhead chop and slice him in two, or B. Get angry, ignore him, then do a showboat jump over his head and get my limbs cut off.

*Clip resumes*

Anakin: You underestimate m power!

Obiwan: Dont try it!

*Anakin jumps over Obiwan, gets his legs and arm cut off and starts sliding towards the lava*

Darth Vader: (Voice over) Hmm. Should've gone with A.  

[Sol Walker]

*As Ritt buzzes the command deck of the Ashla*
Stryder: (Shaking his fist) MAVERICK!!!  

[Scott Li]

*the ship's captain activates the entercomm and announces to the crew*
"Preparing to jump to hyper, all hands prepare to row"  

[Sol Walker]

Pash's Commander: Jedi Pash Antilies. Welcome back.

Pash: Sir. I believe you have a mission for me?

Commander: Yes of course. Straight to the point as usual. Now, we have reason to believe the Sith are in the process of creating a new type of weapon, a bipedal combat weapon called a "walker". We need you to infiltrate a Sith weapon's plant destroy the prototype "walker", and capture the blueprints for it s we may broduce our own variant. *Sets items on the table* Now we will have to drop you from orbit with limited supplies. These are the only items you will be allowed to take with you.

Pash: *Looks curiously at items* Ok, whats this?

Commander: That is a two way interstellar comlink. It is untraceable and coded so the Sith cant tap in. Using this, we will communicate information to you as well as mission updates.

Pash: Sounds useful And this strip of cloth?

Commander: Thats a Bandana. It keeps sweat from getting in your eyes, keeps your hair back, and it also makes you look cool.

Pash:....Cool, sir?

Commander: Yes. It adds to your apearance and makes you more visually apealing to the Public.

Pash:....um, I thought what I did was off the record, sir.

Commander: Yes well, some things changed while you were away.

Pash: and what are the Tabacc sticks for?

Commander: The Eopie tabacc company is sponsering the mission. By contractual obligation, you are to smoke their brand of Tabacc sticks.

Pash: But I dont smoke.

Commander: You do now. Also, your code name for this mission is Snake....  

[Missing00]

Cont.
Pash: And what's in the box?
Pash's Commander: Oh this cardboard box? Nothing.
Pash: Nothing?
Pash's Commander: Yes nothing, but it is the perfect size for you to put over your body and seak around.
Pash: ...  

[Nelowulf]

Cont.

Commander: We currently have you signed up for a tournament that you will attend after you finish this mission. It should be a breeze for you.

Pash: Why?

Commander: Well the only other opponents are a pointy eared vibroswordsman, a greasy plumber, and a little boy with a wooden bat.  

[Sol Walker]

Guard: Who goes there?

Stryder: It is I, Malcom, son of Paamas Stryder, from the castle of Ankara. Lord of the Jedi Order , defeater of the Sith, Sovereign of all Tett!

Guard: Pull the other one!

Stryder: I am, and this is my trusty servant Raan Vaklar. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Ankara. I must speak with your lord and master.

Guard: What? Ridden on a horse?

Stryder: No! We rode a Speeder Bike!

Guard: You're using sound effects!

Stryder: ....What?

Guard: You took the engine sounds of a P-51 Mustang ariplane, a P-38 Lockheed Interceptor, and then mashed them together on your boombox!

Stryder: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the System of Cularin....

Guard: Where'd you get the Recordings?

Stryder: We found them.

Guard: Found them? On Cularin? Sound Designers are tropical!

Stryder: What do you mean?

Guard: Well, Cularin is a temperate world!

Stryder: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

Guard: Are you suggesting sound designers migrate?

Stryder: Not at all! They could be carried.

Guard: What? A swallow carrying a sound designer?

Stryder: It could grip him by the shirt!

Guard: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry an eighty Kilo sound designer!

Stryder: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Stryder from the Court of Ankara is here?

Guard: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

Stryder: Please!

Guard: Am I right?  

[Sol Walker]

*The Army of Light, a mighty force composed of Lords Stryder, Gohgei and his apprentice, and the knights Pash, Ritt and Altair arrives at a castle*

Stryder: Hello? [long silence] Hello!

Nakara: 'Allo! Whoo ez eet?

Stryder: It is Lord Stryder, and these are my Jedi Knights of the Bendu Table. Whose castle is this?

Nakara: Zis is the castle of my master, Grande Amiral Thrawn.

Stryder: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by the Force with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for this night, he can join us in our Quest for Revan's Shield.

Nakara: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't zink he'll be very keen... Uh, he's already got one, you see.

Stryder: What?

Gohgei: He says they've already got one!

Stryder: Are you sure he's got one?

Nakara: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a. [to other Sith] I told him we already got one. [they snicker]

Stryder: Well, uh... Can we come up and have a look?

Nakara: Of course not! You are Jedi types.

Stryder: Well, what are you then?

Nakara: I'm Sith! Why do you zink I have zis outrageous accent, you silly man?!

Ritt: What are you doing in Republic Space?

Nakara: ....Do I know you from zomewhere? You zeem verry familiar.

Ritt: Hmm....now that you mention it....its lik theres some mutual connection between us....but I cant place my finger on it...

Nakara: 'tis very wierd, no?

Stryder: Figure it out later! If you do not show us the Shield, we shall take your castle by force!

Nakara: You don't frighten us, Jedi pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called strAh-door lawrd, you and all your silly Jedi K-nnnnnnnniggits! [makes taunting gestures at them]

Aurora: What a strange person....

Gohgei: Indeed, my young padawan.

Stryder: Now look here, my good man —

Nakara: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
[pause]

Pash: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

Nakara: A-no! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
[slight pause]

Stryder: Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable...

Nakara: [speaks in Sith to a sithtrooper] Fetchez la vache.

Sithtrooper: Quoi?

Nakara: Fetchez la vache!
[Yet another Frenchman is seen preparing a bantha for something. Stryder is still speaking outside.]

Stryder: If you do not agree with my commands, then I shall —
[The bantha whizzes through the air with a loud BOING!]

Nakara: FREEDON NADD!
[The bantha squashes one of the "speeder bikes".]

Stryder: Right! [draws lightsaber] CHARGE!
[The army of light charges at the sith castle. The sith drop more animals on them, and a battle begins.]

Nakara: Yeah, this one is for your mother! There you go! And this one's for your dad!

[The Jedi quickly lose courage in the face of the fearsom animal onslaught.]

Stryder: Run away!

Jedi: Run away! Run away!...  

[Sol Walker]

Narrator: So, each of the Jedi Knights went their separate ways. Sir Altair rode north, through the dark cities of Corulag, accompanied by his favourite minions, who for some reason had decided to form a Minstrel band as they followed Sir Altair around....

Danson Kail: Bravely bold Sir Altair rode forth from Ankara
He was not afraid to die, oh, brave Sir Altair
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Altair
He was not in the least bit scared to be smashed into a pulp
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Altair
His head bashed in, and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
And his p***s split-
Altair: That's, er, that's enough music for now lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.  

[Darkened Angel]

( somewhere, Stryder encounters a Sith Master that is heading a force against the Republic, Stryder is his main opposition )

Master: You fool. You think you can defeat the Master? You can never win. To the pits of Hell with you, Strider! HAHAHAHAHAHAHO!
Stryder: ...?
Master: Wait... You're not Strider Hiryu.
Stryder: No I'm not. I'm Malcom Stryder.
Master: Oh, right. My bad.
Stryder: Who's Hiryu anyways?
Master: Nobody special, just this guy that fights the Master in the Strider games.
Stryder: I see.
Master: You know, I don't really wanna do this anymore.
Stryder: Yeah, me either. I'm gonna go to the nearest world's cantina and get a drink.
Master: I'd join you, but uh... You kinda blew up my ship.
Stryder: Want a lift?
Master: Sure.  

[Sol Walker]

((This one's dedicated to you, DA.))

NARRATOR: The Tale of Padawan Aurora.

[Thunder crashes and lightning flashes in a miserable spot of weather as Padawan Aurora trudges along her way. She stops and looks up seing a glowing shield atop a Fortress to the sound of singing angels. She picks up the pace and starts banging on the door of the fortress]

Aurora: Open the door! Open the door! [Pounds on it more] In the name of the Republic, open the door!

[the door opens and she stumbles in, the door sealing shut behind her.]

Girls: Hello!

Aurora: eek

Girls: eek

Siren: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to- eek oh... Um excuse me for a second.

Aurora: Um...of-of course.

[Siren confers with the other girls briefly then looks out at the audience]

Siren: Um...this really wasnt quite what we were expecting. We were expecting...you know...a man.

Aurora: scream Hey!

[Cut to Sith Castle]

Nakara: At least you weren't cast as the French Taunter.

[Cut to Altair and his "Minstrels"]

Altair: I got cast as the fellow who soils his armor!!

[Cut to the Army of Light]

All: Get on with it!!

[back to the castle]

Siren: But seriously. Another young girl? Ruins the joke doesnt it?

[cut to close up of Thrawn]

Thrawn: [booming, commanding voice] GET ON WITH IT.

Siren: stare fine. *ahem* [much less enthused] Welcome, Dame Knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

Aurora: The Castle Anthrax??

Siren: [bored] Yeah yeah. we know. The name sucks.

Aurora: You are the keepers of Revan's Shield?

Siren: The what?

Aurora: The Shield! It is here!

Siren: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!

Midget and Crapper: Yes, O Siren?

Siren: Prepare a bed for our guest.

Midget and Crapper: Aww...do we have to?

Siren: Away! Away, varletesses. [to Aurora] We have nice beds here. Warm, soft, and very big. Not that you would know what to do with it.

Aurora: What that supposed to mean?!

Siren: Nothing. by the way, Jedi. Whats your name?

Aurora: Aurora Sunstar...and I'm only a Padawan.

Siren: Mine is Siren. pleased to meat you. Now follow me.

Aurora: Look. Can you just please take me to the Shield?!

Siren: *Sigh* Thats it. I cant take it any more. I dont know who's dumb idea this was but this stopped being funny the second she walked in here.
We're a coven of sex starved young girls! What the hell are we going to do with another one? We tried to enjoy each other! Honestly we did! But It just isnt the same! You're on your own, Padawan. I'm out of here! [walks off screen]

Aurora: *Blink blink* um...I'm..I'm just going to look for the shield myself then...

[she wanders around until she stumbles upon the bathing chamber and stares confusedly at all the nubile bathing beauties]

Aurora: What in the Stars is this strange place?

[Siren suddenly appears, startling the girl]

Aurora: Siren! I thought you left!

Saria: No, I am Siren's identical twin sister, Saria.

Aurora: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

Saria: Where are you going?

Aurora: I seek the Shield! I have seen it, here in this castle!

Saria: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Siren!

Aurora: Well, what is it?

Saria: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Siren! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is shield-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. I told her to stop turning it on because all it does is attract more beautiful and sex starved young girls.

Siren: [off stage] I'm Sith. Of course I'm naughty!

Aurora: I'm not sex starved! I'm Chaste!

Saria: Poor poor deluded girl. Well shove off then. We've eight score lovely humanoids here and we dont have room for another. [starts pushing her towards the door.]

Aurora: Now just wait a minute! What about the Shield?!

Saria: Some sithling named Saul Amirr has it. Go bug him.

Aurora: But-

Saria: Get out you-

[Gohgei breaks in with two fellow knights]

Gohgei: Padawan! I've found you!

[dead silence dominates the room as all the inhabitants of Castle Anthrax spy Gohgei and his two body guards]

Aurora; Run master! You are in great peril!

Gohgei: What? from this lot? Its just a bunch of-

Saria: GET HIM! BEFORE HE ESCAPES!

All four Jedi: Oh Sith.

[cut to outside the castle. Aurora is promptly thrown out the door]

Saria: And Stay out! [slams and bolts door behind Aurora]

[Aurora rushes to the door and begins to bang on it]

Aurora: Hold on, Master! I'll save you! I'll go get help!

Gohgei: [partially drowned out by a chorus of feminine giggling] Take your time!!

Aurora: stare Well at least I know he's not gay...  

[The Lady Anne Boleyn]

rofl rofl rofl

Monty Python!!!!!!!!