Lines You'll Never Hear

[Sol Walker]

Pash: (self Narrating) After the 4th Great Schism, the Galaxy was divided into two: Light and Dark.
This marked the begining of the era called the New Sith Wars...  

[Sol Walker]

((On a mission and in disguise, Pash gets a comn call from his Commander))

Cmdr: Pash, are you wearing that mask again?

Pash: (Wearing a Mask resembling Link Darksun) Yeah. For some reason it feels kind of... nostalgic.

Cmdr: Yeah well... for some reason I don't like it.

Pash: Why not?

Cmdr: Something about that face just rubs me the wrong way.

Pash: It looks fine to me... but if you hate it that much, why did you give it to me in the first place?

Cmdr: Well... that mask was originally created for use in another mission. An agent was supposed to disguise himself as a Sith officer and sneak into an enemy installation. We had it all set to go, but certain circumstances forced us to abort the mission. With the mission cancelled, the mask was going to be thrown away... but the guy at Republic Intell's tech division who created it pitched a fit...

Pash: Why'd he do that?

Cmdr: He said it was too good to throw away.

Pash: ...

Cmdr: According to him, that mask is a revolutionary new design that lets the wearer blink, something that wasn't possible up until now.

Pash: I'd think you'd want to make the lips move before bothering with the blinking.

Cmdr: Yeah, I thought so too, but for some reason he's obsessed with making it blink...

Pash: Whoever he is, he sounds like a crackpot.

Cmdr: Mmm. Well, he does good work. But I spend three days a month just dealing with the complaints we get about him... ah, well, never mind... Anyway, I decided to put this mask we had in storage to good use by hiding your identity from the gunship crew.

Pash: I get it... so this mask is based on a model somewhere.

Cmdr: That's right.

Pash: What do I do if I meet that guy?

Cmdr: That's not going to be a problem.

Pash: Why not?

Cmdr: The man the mask is based on is a Sith Army officer. You're in the Sith assasin's sphere of influence. Chances are you won't run into him.

Pash: If I do?

Cmdr: Beat the crap out of him.  

[Sol Walker]

Narrator: Due to the bickering between Stellar Magic and Sayla-girl, a thought crossed some of our heads. What if Stellar and Sayla were actually married. I'd like to present to you a recreation of a typical scene at the household of Mr and Mrs Magic. Enjoy.
--------------------------------------------------------------

Stellar: Honey, I asked you to bring home 3.785411784 liters of milk. This is 3.7854117835 liters.

Sayla: Its a gallon of milk. Just drink it.

Stellar: I thought we agreed that we would only use metric in this house. You disapoint me.

Sayla: scream I will suck the Marrow from your shattered bones!

Stellar: Now honey theres no need to be viole-

*********************************

Stormtrooper: TK-235 here.

Dispatcher: We've reports of a domestic disturbance again.

Stormtrooper: Let me guess. Same address as the last five?

Dispatcher: You might want to hurry. She's found his golf clubs this time.  

[Nelowulf]

And here's mine. Truely a line never heard.


Sayla: You wanna *eyes motion towards bedroom*.
Stellar: Well, I should probably prepare for military operations then.
Sayla: How long's that gonna take?
Stellar: Gotta draw up the battle plans, then i have to ask the quartermaster...
Sayla: Come on, its just an "under-cover" operation.
Stellar: Damnit... I'll have to re-calculate the vectors of the approach *Is dragged into the room by Salya*
Sayla: Why must I do all the work? mad *locks door*  

[Nelowulf]

Sayla catches herself singing her daydreams one day....

Well, if not, he's got inner beauty
And I dream of a place
Where we could be together at last

A matchbox of our own
A fence of real chain link,
A grill out on the patio
Disposal in the sink
A wash-mat and a dryer and an ironing machine
In a tract house that we share
Somewhere on Dantooine.

He rakes and trims the grass
He loves to mow and weed
I cook like a cooking droid
And I look nothing like Admiral Veed.
There's carbonite on the furniture
To keep it neat and clean
In the Pine-Sol scented air
Somewhere on Dantooine

Between our frozen dinner
And our bedtime, nine-fifteen
We snuggle watchin' Boba
On our big, enormous twelve-inch screen

I'm his December Bride
He's Thrawn, he Knows Best
Our kids watch Mandalore
As the sun sets in the west
A picture out of Better Farm and Vaporators magazine

Far from Skid Row
I dream we'll go
somewhere on Dantooine...  

[Nelowulf]

Changing gears... kudos to the guessing of the game



Johnny: We're a band of vicious pirates!
DA: A sailin´ out to sea.
Cale: When you hear our gentle singing...
Johnny: You'll be sure to turn and flee!

Nelo: Oh, this is just ridiculous.

Nelo: Come on, men! We've got to recover that map!
Cale: That pirate will be done for, when he falls into our trap!
Cale: We're a club of tuneful rovers!
Johnny: We can sing in every clef!
DA: We can even hit the high notes!
Johnny: It's just too bad we're tone deaf!

All: A pirate I was meant to be!
All: Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Nelo: Let's go defeat that evil pirate!
DA: We know he's sure to lose, ´cause we know just where to fire at!

DA: We're thieving balladeers.
Johnny: A gang of cutthroat mugs.
Cale: To fight us off ye don't need guns!
DA: Just really good ear plugs!

All: A pirate I was meant to be!
All: Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Nelo: All right, crew, let's get to work!
Johnny: Our vocation is a thing we love, a thing we'd never shirk.

Johnny: We'll fight you in the harbor.
Cale: We'll battle you on land.
DA: But when you meet singing pirates...
Nelo: They'll be more than you can stand.

Cale: Ooooh! That was a good one!
Nelo: No, it wasn't.

Nelo: No time for song! We've got to move!
Cale: The battle will be long, but our courage we will prove!

Cale: We're a pack a´ scurvy sea dogs.
Johnny: Have we pity? Not a dram!
DA: We all eat roasted garlic...
Johnny: ...then sing from the diaphragm!

All: A pirate I was meant to be!
All: Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Nelo: Less singing, more sailing.
DA: When we defeat our wicked foe, his ship he will be bailing!

Cale: If ye try ta fight us...
Johnny: ...you will get a nasty whackin´!
DA: If ya disrespect our singing´...
Cale: ...we will feed ya to a kraken!

All: A pirate I was meant to be!
All: Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Nelo: I´m getting so sick of you guys and your rhyming.
Johnny: We´re ready to set sail, through the cannons need a priming.

DA: We're troublesome corsairs!
Cale: And we've come to steal your treasures!
Johnny: We would shoot you on the downbeat...
DA: ...but we have to rest five measures.

All: A pirate I was meant to be!
All: Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Nelo: Stop! Stop! Stop!
Cale: The brass is what we'll polish and the deck is what we'll mop.

Nelo: You say you're nasty pirates...
Nelo: ...scheming, thieving, bad bushwhackers?
Nelo: From what I've seen I tell you...
Nelo: ...you're not pirates! You're just slackers!

All: A pirate I was meant to be!
All: Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Nelo: We'll surely avoid scurvy if we all eat an orange.
Johnny: And...!
Johnny: ...um...
Cale: Well...
DA: ...err...
Cale: Door hinge?
DA: No, no...
Cale: Guess the song's over, then.
Johnny: Guess so.
DA: Okay, back to work.
Nelo: Well gee. I feel a little guilty, now.  

[Johnny Malone]

Cale: When I was just a lad looking for my true vocation
My father said now son, this choice deserves deliberation
Though you could be a doctor or perhaps a financier
My boy why not consider a more challenging career


Pirates: Hey ho ho
You'll cruise to foreign shores
And you'll keep your mind and body sound
By working out of doors


Cale: True friendship and adventure are what we can't live without

Pirates and Cale: And when you're a professional pirate

Johnny: That's what the job's about

Cale: (Upstage, lads! This is my ONLY number)
Now take Sir Francis Drake, the Spanish all despise him
But to the British he's a hero and they idolize him
It's how you look at buccaneers that makes them bad or good
And I see us as members of a noble brotherhood


Pirates: Hey ho ho
We're honorable men
And before we lose our tempers we will always count to ten


Long John On occasion there may be someone you have to execute


Pirates and Cale: But when you're a professional pirate


Des: You don't have to wear a suit


Nelo: I could have been a surgeon
I like taking things apart


Johnny: I could have been a lawyer
But I just had too much heart


Des: I could have been in politics
Cause I've always been a big spender


DA: And me...I could have been a contender


Cale: Some say that pirates steal and should be feared and hated
I say we're victims of bad press it's all exaggerated
We'd never stab you in the back, we'd never lie or cheat
We're just about the nicest guys you'd ever want to meet
(Tell the truth, lad. Do you really think that Captain
and the Squire are planning to share the treasure with the
likes of us? And we being the rightful owners, who shed our
blood getting it here. Join us, lad! Donate your compass to
the treasure hunt, and get a full share!)


Pirates and Cale: ho ho
It's one for all for one
And we'll share and share alike with you and love you like a song
We're gentlemen of fortune and that's what we're proud to be
And when you're a professional pirate


Cale: You'll be honest, brave and free
The soul of decency
You'll be loyal and fair and on the square
And most importantly


Pirates and Cale: When you're a professional pirate
You're always in the best of company  

[Nelowulf]

Alternate scene in RotJ: Han watches Lando fly off with the Falcon.

Han: ***** stole my ship!  

[Darkened Angel]

Nelowulf

Changing gears... kudos to the guessing of the game

The Monkey Island games were great, weren't they?


Johnny: You know, Cale's obsession with being a pirate is just to hide a secret of himself.
Stellar: Like what, that he's really a BUTT pirate? LOL

( elsewhere )

Cale: ( having listened in ) Butt pirate? How did they know?
DA: You mean THAT'S why I always wake up feeling sore back there?
Cale: No, I mean... Er, yeah. That's why. Sure... Heheh... rolleyes
Missing: * pops out from under the sheets * SURPRISE!
DA: Missing, that was YOU last night? I thought it was Cale.
Missing: No, I just pretended to be Cale so you'd gaflobbity my gaflabbity. Giggity giggity goo! Heh heh, alright.
Cale: YOU SON OF A b***h! * starts a brawl with Missing *  

[Des Voh]

-Nelo drops off Cale and DA at the Coruscant Theater, then goes to find a parking space.-

Nelo: Alright, I'm gonna drop you guys off. Parking here is a god-bleep-damn nightmare.
Cale:Thanks, Nelo.
DA: We'll save you a seat.
-Nelo goes off to find a spot-
Nelo: Lets see here.
-Passes several Handicapped Parking signs-
Nelo: Jesus, got enough handicapped parking? Like cripples come here alot...
-Passes Thrawn Only sign-
Nelo: Oh, gimme a break..
-Passes several more reserved spots-
Nelo: Come on! Ergg...this is just painful, wait, is that, is that a spot?!
-Stops and checks and sees a speeder bike-
Nelo: -bleep-beep-bleep- speeder bikes!! Erg, hiding way u p in the front of tha-erraahh... -bleep-

-Switches to Cale, Nelo, DA, Ek, and myself all sitting around a camp-fire on Yavin-
Nelo: And it was fourteen hours until I found antiquate parking...
Des: Thats your ghost story? That was terrible!
EK:I was more scared than that when my grandma asked me to pick her up a package of condoms.
-All shiver-
Cale:Let me show you how its done.

Cale: Once upon a time I was in the middle of collecting payment from all those cantinas on Nar Shadda that owe me, when I noticed that I badly need to relieve myself.
Cale: I was lucky and I found a clean restroom in one.
Cale: I locked myself into a stall and waited for nature to take its course, but then...-makes knocking sound-
Cale: Someone was knocking on the door.
Cale: I didn't know who it could be because I was alone in the bathroom when I entered.-Makes knocking sound again-
Cale: They were...-knocking sound-..persistent.
Cale: No matter what I tried, no matter what I said,-knocking sound- I couldn't get that horrible knocking sound to go away!!
Cale:Finally I'd had enough, so I stood up and I flung open the door to leave without finishing my business.
Cale: And what was there in front of me, what had been knocking?
Cale: Nothing.

-All look displeased, then panic as a blood-curdling scream echoes through the forest-

All-What, what was that?!
EK- Run!

-Shows Missing, Jaden, Elvis(in a skeleton costume for some reason), and Sayla all around a a campfie, Missing screaming at the top of his lungs-
Elvis: Cut it out!
Jaden biggrin ude, you cant just scream, thats not a scary story, just to scream like that.
Missing: No, no, no, theres a dead body over here.
-Elvis gets up and walks over-
Elvis: Yeah, yeah, real funny, I'm the dead body.
Elvis: Oh man, there totally is a dead body. You know what this means?
Jaden: Ugh...what?
Elvis: Missing screams like a girl.
Missing: Not cool.
Sayla: The bigger issue of course is whose leaving blood-oozing corpses around in the forest.
Elvis: I guess...-shrugs apologetically-
Missing: Holy-beep-!!
Jaden: What is it Missing?
Missing: Theres a whole group of something over there in the forest.
Elvis: Their coming this way.
-All look at the group then at the corpus-
Sayla: All in favor of finding a new campsite
-All state 'I'-
Sayla: I's have it.
-All hurry off-

-Back to the Mod-Squad-

DA:Are they still there?
EK: I dont know. I think their leaving.-Steps in something- What in the -bleeping-bleep- did I just-bleeping-step in?
Des: Well great, we have a group stalking us and their leaving blood-oozing corpses behind them.
Nelo:We need to summon Mr Teif.
Cale: Mr...what? Teif?
Nelo: Yeah, he grants wishes and stuff. Watch, you just say his name and summon him.
Cale:Alright, hey, hey.
Nelo: Uh, Mr Teif.
Cale:Hold on a second.
Nelo: Mr Teif.
Cale: Nelo!
Nelo: Mr Teif!
Cale: Awesome, well done.
-Mr Teif Appears-
Mr Teif: I have come.
All: He's real?! Wow!
Des: Wow!
EK: I'll be damned.
DA: Woah.
Nelo: Awesome!
Cale: Oh god...
Mr Teif: What do you seek?
Nelo: Well, um, we have this thing, were out in this forest and umm...
-Mr Teif vanishes with a 'pop'-
Nelo: Crap.
DA: Where'd he go?
EK: I guess somebody else summoned him. Try again.
Nelo: Yeah, hes in high demand. Probably somebody else grabbed him before we could finish up.
Cale: What does he do exactly?
Nelo: Well the theory is he grants wishes.
Cale: But you don't know?
Nelo: No-body knows.
Cale: No-body knows what he does, but everybody knows that they need him...
Nelo: Yeah!
Cale: What is this guy, an Apple product?
Nelo: Mr Teif, Mr Teif, Mr Teif!
-Mr Teif Appears-
Mr Teif: I have come.
Nelo: Mr Teif, we need you to come help us out with a group thats stalking-Mr Teif 'pops' away-us...
Des: Gotta be faster.
Nelo: Alright, Mr Teif, Mr Teif, Mr Teif!
-Mr Teif Appears-
Mr Teif: I have come.
Nelo: -hastened- Mr Teif, group, group stalking, help us with!
-Mr Teif pops-
Des: Too slow.
Nelo: Ok, one more time.
Nelo: Mr Teif, Mr Teif, Mr Teif!!!
-Mr Teif Appears-
Mr Teif- I have co-
Nelo: -Spouts gibberish from his mouth-
-Mr Teif disappears-
Nelo: -bleep-!!
EK: Let me try. Mr Teif, Mr Teif, Mr Teif.
-Mr Teif appears-
Mr Teif: I have come?
EK:....
-Pop-
Des: Well?
EK:Sorry, I froze up.
Des: Amateurs!
Des: Mr Teif, Mr Teif, Mr Teif.
-Mr Teif Appears-
Mr Teif: I have come!
Des: Mr-
-Pop-
Des:......wow you really have to...
Nelo: Yeah.
Des: Like, cas hes really, he just, he just...
Nelo: Exactly.

-Cuts to random people summoning Mr Teif, then cuts to Palpatine summoning him-

Mr Teif: I have come.
Palp: Oh, thank god. I didn't think your were really real. I mean, I hoped, I dreamed.
Mr Teif: What do you seek?
Palp: I just want everyone to know that I'm not such a bad person at heart. Im not evil! These rebels keep trying to bloe up my buildings and before I can say so much of a "Hello, how are you today" they, -pop-
Palps: -Screams in anger and force chokes guard-

-Mr Teif appears with the Reg-Squad-
Jaden: Mr Teif, theres a group of moderators stalking us and their killing-pop-
-Mr Teif Appears near-by and his entrance echoes to the Reg-Squad-
Des: Woo-ho!!
Elvis: You bastards!
Des: Haha, suckers! -Pop-
Des: Ah dammit!

-Both groups see his bright flash and entrance off deeper into the forest-

Missing:Come on, lets go get him.

Des: There he is, that b*****d!
EK: Someone else got him?
DA: Maybe if we're really polite, they'll let us take there wish.
Cale: What, are you gay?
Nelo: Uh-oh, Cale. Remember what happened last time you sputered homophobic epithets?
-Scene of Cale calling another person gay-
Cale: You made me go to counciling...-sigh-
-Flash back to the session with people crying-
Councilor: Cale, your issues are creating a problem for the group, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Cale: What, are you gay?

Nelo: You don't want to go back, do you?
Cale: No...
Ek: Lets go!
-All start running-

Jaden: This is where he was, right?
Missing: Look at the ground!
-Large pile of dead bodies-
Sayla: Oh my god!
Elvis: What the hell happened here?
Missing: This reminds me of the time Jaden had that dumbass idea for a restaurant where the pizzas came down from the ceiling on little elevators.

-Close up to Jaden who remembers the event of people panicing-
Person A: Oh my god, people falling from the sky!
Person B: Run, lets get out of here!
Person C: Retreat!
-screaming in the background-

Sayla: Jaden...?
Jaden: What? Oh, I'd rather not talk about it.

-Mod-Squard comes around the corner-
Des: They beat us here?! They really are stalking us!
EK: And they've killed all these people!
DA: Look at that pile of soggy meat.
Nelo: Thats it, we need to do something. I have an idea, come here EK.
Ek: Huh, what?
-Weird sounds come from off-screen as it focuses on Cale watching the horrid act of Ek being attached to a giant crossbow bolt-
EK:Ow-beep-, get your fingers outta there,
-bleep-beep- get your hand out of my, ugh! Ah!
Cale: What are you doing?
DA: Oh the humanity.
EK: I feel so violated.
Nelo: Dont worry, I saw this on the internet.
-Attached the bolt with EK affixed to it into a crossbow-
EK: This is the dumbest idea you've ever-fired out of the gun- ahhhhh!!!
-Hits a tree and repels off of it into the ground, then starts attacking the tree as the Reg-group watches-
Jaden: Oh god, they've killed Sayla!
Sayla: I'm right here assface.
Jaden: Sayla, nooooo...!-crys-
Sayla: Thats a tree!!
Missing: Grumbles soemthing.
DA: Oh god, their gonna kill us!
Elvis: Their gonna kill us! Help!
-Yelling and screaming at each other ensues-

-Ewok jumps from a near by tree and comes between everyone.-
Cale: Well hey there lil'guy.
-Ewoks eyes glow and jumps on Cale and starts attacking him-
Cale: Ahhhh get it off me, get it off me! My face!

-More ewoks jump down and kill everyone-  

[Sol Walker]

((Des, I gotta say: Reading your post was like having teeth pulled. It was unpleasant and painful. I dont know what you're parodying here, but it sure as hell wasnt funny. Poorly written and executed, it was like watching Gigli. Come on man. Where's the funny? I swear if the next one you do is as bad as this last one, I'm gonna get your LYNH privalages revoked. This was just awful.))  

[Nelowulf]

((Its a directly ripped parody of World of Warcraft video on youtube. He showed me it like... a month ago, before I started ignoring whenever he sends me a youtube link. The video's like, seven minutes long, and its not any less painful.))

Des: Your both complete assholes, you realize this? Not a hint of compassion in either of you.  

[Missing00]

*DA reading a newspaper*
Newspaper: Rapist escapes prison.
DA: Good thing im not an attractive scatily clad girl...*sips coffee* Oh god I am an attractive scantily clad girl!
*zooms out to reveal a computer and Des sitting at it while Cale is reviewing his work*
Cale: That sucks.  

[Nelowulf]

*funeral scene*


Nelo: Cale Darksun, co-moderator of the Galactic Empire, has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. Kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last and gone to meet the great bed of light entertainment in the sky. And I guess we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, of such capability, the kindness of such unusual intelligence, should now be so suddenly spirited away at the age of 48, before he achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he had enough fun. Well, I feel that I should say nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading b*****d i hope he fries.

And the reason why I feel that I should say this is that i feel he would never forgive me if I didn't. Throwing away this golden opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him, but mindless good taste. I could hear him whispering in my ear last night as i was writing this, "alright nelo, you're very proud of being the first person to say "I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you pirates and your meddlesome Captain Cale." in an RP in the Guild, and if this memorial is in fact televised, I want you to also be the first person to be in a Guild RP and say, "Curse you Cale Darksun, you have foiled me once again!"  

[Sol Walker]

*Cont*

Cale: (Sits up in his casket.) Ok, my turn!

(Cale and Nelo switch. Cale takes the podium and Nelo lays down in the casket)

Cale: Ahem. Neil O. Wulf was many things to many people: Moderator, jedi, pilot, sharpshooter, friend, lover, arrogant wanker, smug son of a b***h, so on and so forth. All of these were adequete depictions of the man, the myth, the legend. And if it werent for the fact he didnt believe in it, I'm fairly certan he would be on a one way ticket to hell.

But above all, Nelowulf was a man of vision. It was his drive and his focus that crafted the guild we all know and love. At times it was his lack of either as he sometimes said. The guild was his vision, the Thrawn we worship a god of his creation to watch over us as we went about our star wars obcessed way. This Guild, and his constant but well deserved Holier than thou attittude will be what he is remembered for. It is his legacy.
For without him, none of us would be here. Literally. None of us would have crossed paths, and the large number of us probably wouldnt even be on Gaia.

Now he has taken his final Jump. And as a final departing gift, I have alerted the Site moderators to th echild pornography ring that the Great Convergeance has been promoting. They will be shut down, its moderators banned from Gaia. And we will all enjoy the last laugh as their hollow little world is kicked in.
Clear skies and Flowing seas, Nelowulf. May the Force Be With you.